The Pharaoh's Corrupting Our Schools!
by Sour Schuyler
Summary: So says Yami Bakura, in his OOC Diary! Watch him tackle everything from Eminem, to stingy tomb keeper's in the rain, to girls! And watch as his brain cells rapidly deteriorate! RANDOMNESS IS FUN!
1. Eminem is CORRODING RYOU'S BRAIN! AHHHHH

Diary-stupid-small-spirally-metallic-cardboard-and-recycled-tree-thing! Hi! My name is Bakura! I'm cool. And a tomb robber. And I'm cool. And I rob tombs. But not anymore. Now I'm stuck in the 19th/20/21st whatever century with my reincarnation, who's a little wimp. His name is Ryou Bakura. HE STOLE MY LAST NAME! DARN HIM! My first name isn't nearly as impressive... it's Akiffa. AKIFFA, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! WHAT THE HECK WAS WRONG WITH MY MOTHER? -.- No wonder I killed her off...

My stupid reincarnation yelled at me for breaking his new cd. I was only trying to save him from "da RAP!" (He called it that!) This "M&M" figure is trying to brainwash my Ryou! ---Seriously. The song said: "The voices, the voices, I hear them, and when they talk I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow them the voices," etc. It was evil I tell you! Ryou seemed kind of mad, though. But if you ask me, CDs shouldn't even have bad words in their titles. What happened to extrovert G-ratedness! WHY? WHY? WHY? Now it doesn't feel as good to cuss... U.U;

Eh, Ryou wants his body back... I'll have to close this up now. But I'll write later. Promise.

:Later:

Stupid slave-thingy! After we split into two separated bodies for a little while, he yelled at me some more about breaking his cd. Except, apparently, it wasn't his cd, it was Yami's, and now the Pharaoh's really mad about it. Who knew that the Pharaoh was corrupting our children? Next thing he'll be promoting violence in the schools! Stupid him... I bet he won't even let me help!

I've decided to name you Jim Bob. Just so you know, you're a light blue pocket spiral. I write small, though, so it's all good. I have to go to Marik's now, and I'm taking you with me. Ryou's driving me... with his neighbor's car. Apparently he's upset that I stole the neighbor's car, but, as long as it's there... we need a form of transportation, right? We'll just ditch it, and then my hikari can walk the two miles home in the pouring rain. ---Problem solved, right? Except that maybe that stuck-up Malik won't let Ryou borrow his rain coat... the meanie. But I've got the Millennium Ring. So we shall see.

That car just blew up! It was a Volkswagen, light blue. Hmm... ---Pretty! The shower of sparks that flew up were so... twinkly. Hm... yeah!

I start to laugh evilly, but Ryou looks at me with a horrified expression. So then I laugh even harder. It's so fun being evil. Evil people have special priveleges, like getting to cut in line and being able to listen to "Mosh" without being offended, no matter what political party we back. Also, we can hide grenade launchers in our pockets. :D Evil people get really big pockets. Like Claire Redfield's pockets. Now there is a woman with large pockets. She could fit a steering wheel in there…

Ryou grits his teeth and keeps driving, carefully avoiding the pieces of the car that just blew up. There's been a number of Car Hunters lately. There's always hunters for everything… Rare Hunters, Shoe Hunters, Yo-Yo Hunters, it stinks! Think of an original name already! Like mine: The Pharaoh's Power Chasers. Hah! H-Ha ha ha! Take that you moronic fools!

Alright, we've been stuck in traffic for an hour now. This is even more boring that reading that book, Farenheit-something-or-other… Oh wait we're moving now!

O.O o.o -.- o.o O.O o.o -.- o.o O.O ((O)).O –BLINK BLINK TWITCH-

There's a COW in the road! What the heck? Why isn't anybody doing anything about it? This isn't India! This isn't even America, which Columbus THOUGHT was India! This isn't even Bangladesh, which used to be known as EAST India! THIS IS JAPAN AND WE CAN SHOO THOSE COWS IF WE WANT!

…In other news, I feel smart for knowing so much about India.

Stupid Ryou isn't doing anything… so I decide to do something myself!

-Third person scene-

"Go on, get!" Bakura slapped the cow hard. The cow lowed in response and flicked him with his tail. "THE COW JUST FLIPPED ME OFF!"

"O.O It was just trying to shoo you away, Bakura," Ryou informed him.

"Shut up Ryou, I know what I'm doing."

"K."

-End Third Person scene-

Stupid Ryou, thinking he knows everything. Cows are dangerous! And evil! The Evil Society Made Up Of Cows And Other Things That Are Produce In Dairy (TESMU OCAOT TAPID) are coming and they're coming fast! And once they catch up to us, there's nothing we can do. Nothing I say! NOOOOOOOOOTHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

---

Sour Schuyler: Hi! I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, but I hope you enjoy this nonetheless! I'm going to try to make it the funniest... fic... I shall ever write! I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, Farenheit 451, Resident Evil 2, "Mosh" or Eminem.


	2. Christmas is funner when it doubles as a...

Well here I am at Marik's helping set up Christmas trees / 

with weak knees /

somebody said that Keanu Reeves/

sucked in the Matrix and his performance didn't please /

Ryou, please /

Won't you saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave me?

Wow, I'm horrible at making up songs. Maybe there's something to this Eminem guy after all. But I could probably just rob him of his lyrics in the event that I actually develop an inferiority complex. Of course, an inferiorty complex is based on a clandestine ego and the phobia of humility. Since my boastfulness is no big secret (not to brag!) and I am not afraid of humiliation this shouldn't happen anytime soon. Maybe tomorrow, though. Or Thursday. I rather like Thursday.

Anyhoo, I'll get to the point. Not that this actually has a point, being a diary and all. I'm sorry, Bob, that you lead such a wretchedly useless existence. Maybe somebody will study you for psychological purposes someday in the future, though. Huh? Would you like that? That's so cute.

Ryou did decide to stay at the Ishtar's after all. This strongly supports my theory that Ryou is suicidal. We left the car in a ditch. It was actually an accident, because Ryou swerved to avoid running over a pretty little kitty. Which we're gonna keep! YEAH! We named it Maybelline after some cow that Ryou knew or something. I dunno. I do remember something about when Ryou grew up, there was a lot of cows. Maybe that's why he's so messed up. Those udders ARE pretty weird.

Don't stare at me that way, Bob! I'm not the messed up one! Ryou is! Think of it! He puts marshmellows in everything he makes. He put marshmellows in Sprite and drank it without being repetant. He also put marshmellows in his family's last Thanksgiving turkey! That time was kind of fun. We got to visit the therapist afterward. I still have the guy's foot, too! Isn't that cool:D

Ryou isn't really helping decorate. Ishizu isn't either. They're both looking at the cat and fussing over it like a married couple. Now THERE'S a scary thought. I don't think I could stand being related to Marik. Well, technically I wouldn't be, but since it says on my forged documents that I'm Ryou's brother, I would be. That would suck.

(It also says in those documents, that I have severe multiple personality disorder. We get welfare because of that. It keeps my host happy because it doesn't have to pay everytime I break something... which happens a lot. Ryou can sleep at night and is capable of psychological security because each month, exactly one dollar of Japanese taxpayer's money comes directly to our doorstep.

One dollar. What is that, light, fifty yen? Seventy five? Some people on welfare blow the money off on drugs, but Ryou could blow it off on bubblegum and tiny, shiny stickers.

Hey, look Bob! I rhymed! "Tiny" and "Shiny" :D)

Anyway, this "Maybelline" character (I'm beginning to think she's a witch in disguise, because apparently she's hypnotized Ishizu and Ryou into making cooing noises. I reiterate (ooh, big word,) that they're acting like a married couple and treating that cat like a maybe) has silky, long white fur, a delicate pink nose, and pink padded paws. She also has clear, blue eyes. She's actually a very fine specimen. In Egypt we would have pretended we loved her and then sacrificed her to Bast. Yes, Bast...

"I think she should be named Bast," I tell Ryou. He looks at me weird.

"Uh, sure, that can be her... middle name."

Since middle names are always so much better than the first and/or last, I shall take this as a full compliment to my suggestion. Meaning, I'll stoke my ego for a spell. Wow, I am just so cool. I mean, I'm so great. I love me. Go me.

"Uh, a little help here!" We turn to see that baka Marik hopelessly tangled up in Christmas lights. The lights are blinking on and off, on and off, on and off. It's quite nerve-grating. I hope I can find a block of wood to rest my head against after I mutilate a tree with only my forehead.

"Odion?" Marik yelps. "Uh, help!"

". Get untangled yourself, you little nutjob," I heard Odion mutter before beaming and saying, "Yes, Master Marik!"

OO Well, that was disturbing. The angsty, yet beamish bald man has a fuse. Who knew?

"Hurry up before Nekhbet comes and eats me or something!" Marik mews complaintitively.

"Don't be silly," Ryou laughs. "There aren't any vultures within a hundred miles of here."

Then what is that I see on the window... Man, it sure looks like a vulture... Oh, but it's stuffed. Yeah. Stuffed with Yami no Marik's arm! It must be, both of Marik's are still attached (al-be-them lost within a sea of flickering red lights). Oh my Ra! What have they done to Yami no Marik!

Just then, Yami no Marik comes sneaking up behind me. He's beamish because he sees my expression. "It's a fake arm!" he said. "I twicked you!"

Twicked? How lame. I still wanna know why the Ishtars are doing Christmas in July...

Wait a minute!

1 minute later...

A lightbulb has appeared above my head, Bob! This must mean... Eureka! I have an idea! (On an off-note, wow, you REALLY sound gay when you yell "eureka" unexpectedly. I wonder if Michael Jackson yells "eureka." I bet he does. I also bet that if he did, it would be in a movie, just 'cuz the people in Hollywood know that the populus is dumb enough to pay money to see a pasty-looking pedophile prance around yelling interjections and expletives. Heck, it could be a TV series. Maybe it already is. And if it isn't, I smell a pilot.

No Bob, not that type of pilot. I meant pilot as in premier. Oh, you already knew that? Then why are you staring at me like that? You had better not be looking at me THAT way! There is no way I'm going to tolerate having a homosexual diary! No way no how! --Unless you're a Ledd Zepplin fan, than it's all in the good.)


	3. How Much Money Can We Save On Just One S...

_Please, _if you have some spare time, _please _read and review _"Ma Proie"_! Please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please… I've spent _so _much time on it…

My hikari and I are going shopping! Shopping is an enlightening experience that strengthens your body and soul! A lot like yoga, except you get to push people over who have overstuffed shopping carts!

OO Why is the Pharaoh here? What? He's shopping with us! YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THIS!

Oh. We're shopping for Yugi's birthday party. SUPER! Off to the tinker-toy section, then.

…What? Why are you looking at me like that, Pharaoh? Why are you laughing, Ryou?

Oh. I get it. Yugi doesn't play with those anymore. Well then, let's just buy him a Barbie doll and move on with our lives.

…What!

The Pharaoh is asking a question about Bob. Yes, that's you, Bob. Don't worry Bob, he can't keep you away from me!

…The Pharaoh is saying something about "counseling?" Why is Ryou suggested medicinal needles?

I fear for my life.

…Oh, wait, I'm a spirit. I can't die. A-HAH!

…My pride can be severely wounded though.

Ow. ;;

Ryou is chuckling because I am crying. Wait a minute, no, I'm not crying! I'M NOT CRYING, DARN IT! What's the Pharaoh? You can see what! YOU CAN NOT SEE TEARS, YOU FAKER!

FAKEEEEEEEEER!

So, we've got to decide on what to get the little runt. And fast. Yami (that's what everyone who isn't cool calls the Pharaoh; note, the Pharaoh even calls himself Yami) suggests that they get him some sort of game, but Ryou thinks that Yugi already has too many games.

I suggested a Speedo.

…

…

…What? Why are they all staring at me like that? Even that lady over _there, _whom I don't even know! YEAH! I SEE YOU! GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK!

I am baring my fangs menacingly, to ward off my enemies! I AM NOT A VAMPIRE! Stop saying that, PHARAOH!

Gah… They're all stupid. This is pointless. I say we get him a Britney Spears CD and then get the heck out of here.

How do I know who Britney Spears is, hikari? Because I watch the Internet, that's how. Silly hikari.

Why is everyone staring at me confusedly like that! Grr! STOP IT!

…What's this? The Pharaoh is agreeing with me! FOR REAL? (I saw somebody say that on TV, it sounded cool.)

The Pharaoh thinks that we should buy Yugi a CD. But not Britney Spears.

Jessica Simpson? my hikari suggests, smiling. Why does he smile? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Yami, I mean, the Pharaoh (I call him that 'cuz I am cool) suggests somebody called "Smashing Pumpkins".

THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN!

…

Ryou, why are you telling me to put my hammer away?

Why is everyone so mean to me today? ;-;

So anyway, we head off towards the CD section. Except we kind of get lost. But, being three guys, we are above asking for directions. So I steal a large map of the mall instead. Except I didn't really steal it, I just stood next to it and laughed manically as if I had stolen it, while Ryou and Yami consulted it with serious-looking faces.

Ryou tells me to shut up. Why does he have to be such a puler?

So, we figure out where we are supposed to go. We get to go on an ESCALATOR. It is this cool staircase that moves when you stand on it, and when you don't. Like an inferior magic carpet.

Ha ha ha! Yami's—er—the PHARAOH'S pants got stuck in the escalator! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ryou, exasperated, jerked on Yami's—the Pharaoh's—arm and it freed him. ;-; Awwwww. But the best part is, his pants ripped! Now one of his pants legs only goes down to just below his knee! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Ryou quickly goes to buy some scissors. I laugh at the Pharaoh. It is so much fun, Bob! LAUGH WITH ME, BOB! MUA HA HAH HA HAH AHAH HA HAAA!

Ryou comes back and he cuts Yami's pants up. Now the Pharaoh is wearing capris. …Ew. He needs to shave.

OFF TO THE CD STORE!

When I get five reviews, I'll update it.

_Please, _if you have some spare time, _please _read and review _"Ma Proie"_! Please oh please oh please oh please oh please oh please… I've spent _so _much time on it…


	4. Season Premier: When Old People Attack

_Hm… OH! Special credit goes to my sister Allie-chan, who told me to do something with Chuckie Cheese. Her idea, specifically, was…_

_Mokuba: OH BOY! Chuckie cheese!_

_Ryou: Anything for you, darling._

_Mokuba: OH BOY! The ball pit!_

_(I was trying to think up an idea for _Ma Proie; _trying to figure out what they would do on their "date"-type thing. (I'm not calling it a date 'cuz it'll make Akio-chan shudder! Ha ha.) Anyway, thank goodness I decided not to use it for that… I think this story makes use of it much better. But I want to give watashi no imoto no Allie-chan credit nonetheless!)_

_Thankees to Lauren, C.J., and Megan (Akio the Dragon Master) for proof-reading this and giving me confidence:)_

_Akio-chan! Arigatou for telling me that my chapter had mistakes! I'll go back and look it over when I get a bit of respite. (HAH! The vocab words own all!) Make sure to tie your shoelaces, Akio-chan, and eat looooooots of butter! He he!_

_cwthewolf- Hmm… okay! _

_Raven- I needed inspiration. I re-read some of my favorite ficcies, and got some inspiration. _

We are at the runt's birthday party. It is at Chucking Cheese's. Ryou tells me that it's Chuckie Cheese's, but that boy sitting over at that counter (it looks suspiciously like a bar) apparently disagrees with him. He keeps throwing cheese at Ryou. I wouldn't really care if we weren't sharing the same body today. You should've seen the way Yami entered with Yugi.

"Oh boy! Oh boy! CHUCKIE CHEESE!" Yugi screamed, practically wetting his pants. Yami—The Pharaoh—smiled.

"Anything for you, Yugi." Bleh. Make me barf, why don't cha. Get a room! …Oh wait, they rented this whole Chucking Cheese place. And they're not gay. So far as I know.

…That would be awkward.

"Oh boy!" The midget pointed. "The ball-pit!"

And the midget leapt in. All you could see was his pointy hair. Then he swam around like a shark, scaring the other retards away. "Aww…"

So now I am cowering—waiting, I mean, in the Millennium Ring, hoping—er, confident that Yugi won't want to talk to me. But, for some reason known only to Ra (and Ra is very stingy with his secrets!), he does. Maybe he's just stupid. In fact, that's probably it.

He's bounding up to me right now, with those eyes… so huge… so innocent… they should be illegal.

I need a shove. (As opposed to a hug, you see. Someone of a magnitude of manliness such as mine would never require something as mortal…ish, as a hug!)

"Hi Ryou." Yugi beams at him like a…gopher, or something. Hey! I know what a gopher is. They're furry and dig tunnels underground in the Hundred Acre Wood. And the wear hardhats! See, I'm smart!

My hikari smiles. "Hello, Yugi. Happy birthday."

"THANK YOU!"

Dear Ra, what is wrong with this child? Was he bred to burst eardrums? Ryou's smile falters (a funny word) and his eyes waver in fear.

FEAR! Fear is good. F.E.A.R. is the Ferociously Evil Aerobics Ritual. It's like Yoga! –Only not.

"Happy birthday." Ryou's whispers become a shaky chant. "Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday." Calm down hikari.

"Bakura hasn't told me happy birthday yet," Yugi points out. He looks at Ryou expectantly. Oh, no. Hikari, don't you DARE throw me in control—

/But the world will have no cabbage if I do not/

What the heck? Did my hikari just say that?

--Yes, my hikari just said that.

That tears it. I'm going to stop feeding him. It's his fault that I have to perform this wretched birthday wassail. The Pharaoh's brat is imploring me with those large, hypnotic eyes.

He could rule the world with those things.

"Happy birthday." Gods, I sound like Frosty.

The gopher-boy darts away to receive his wassails from the others. Tea and that freaky old guy are here. Yugi goes up to Tea—that girl whose name I wish I did not know.

"Hi Tea," he says. She grins at him.

"Happy birthday, Yugi," she says in monotone. Holy Ra, here eyes are like two 'at' signs. She's higher than Bill Gates' weekly income!

She pats him on the head appreciatively, then draws her hand away like she's been bit. "Ow!" She whimpers pathetically. "It stings…"

The midget smiles sadly. "That's OK, Tea." What the heck?

He scampers—SCAMPERS I SAY!—over to his butt-ugly Grandpa, who, by the way, looks like he has abhorrent stomach cramps. (Abhorrent is a long word.)

"Hi Grandpa!"

Does this kid have an OFF-button?

"It's my birthday!"

You're not kidding! Wow! Amazing! I never would have guessed! It's sooooooo unexpected! GAH! Let's skip this and EAT THE CAKE!

The old fart nods his head. "I know. I made you a cake. Unfortunately I dropped it off at the wrong Chuckie Cheese's."

";-; Aw…"

Yugi scampers over to the edge of the ball-pit and stares deeply at it, as if he can see his reflection in it. How repugnantly vain. (Repugnantly is a long word.) I do him a favor and tip him over. He falls in face-first. The Pharaoh glares at me.

Well, POO ON YOU, Mr. Pharaoh! I stick out my tongue and cross my eyes.

Yugi's not-so-grandfather comes towards me, probably to admonish me. (Admonish is a funny-sounding word, isn't it? Why do I keep talking about words? And where do I learn them all?) Bring it on, geezer!

… 0.0 He's got a knife! HOLY RA! He's foaming at the mouth too! What's he planni—

Again, when I get five reviews, I'll update it.

Holy COWZERS! I TOTALLY forgot about this fic! O.O I thought I had up to chapter 5 up. But I don't! So… SORRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEE! (goes on hands and knees) Sumimasen sumimasen sumimasen SUMIMASEN! And sporks! Anyway… SORRY! This chapter was just rotting digitally on my harddrive… again, I'm sorry I forgot about it.


	5. Anti Old People Tshirts!

_Note: This chapter was started last year. Any sequence referring to anything scientific, if disliked, must be blamed on a woman known as "Ms. Mallek." And yes, I know that that's dangerously close to "Malik". It had me laughing all year. XD_

Zzz…

Zzz…

Zzz…

But mommy, I don't want to ride the green pony! It looks like somebody's guts! It was kind of fun to squish them together, though, but next time can I eat the brains, too?

Zzz…

Zzz…

Protons are positively charged particles composed of quarks inside the nucleus of an atom.

Zzz…

Zzz…

You are the worst thing to happen to theatre since Andrew Lloyd Weber!

Zzz…

Zzz…

Real men in Vietnam use extra guns.

Zzz…

Zzz…

I'll never let go, Jack…

Zzz…

Zzz…

Hamsters… with shovels… piloting invisible helicopters… I have to pee.

I woke up. Immediately I feared an attack by The Evil Society Made Up Of Cows And Other Things That Are Produced In Dairy, or as you'll remember, TESMU OCAOT TAPID. However, once I actually opened my eyes I found something a lot worse: Yugi's Grandpa was lying on top of me, his eyes all lazy. His tongue was hanging out of his mouth and he was drooling on me.

The worst part was when the Pharaoh's bratty vessel got a look at him. The midget started howling about how it was so unfair, and was he all right (obviously his grandpa wasn't all right; he was drooling like a mental defect on my hikari's new sweater!) and what had happened. The Pharaoh, of course, being the _fair _and _wise _and _impartial _JERK that he is, put it down for his hikari like this:

"It was Bakura's fault."

Ryou separated from me so he could help Yami remove me from the Chucking Cheese. He was flying off the handle, asking me how I could've NOT dodged an idiotic old gimp who was wielding a plastic knife. That knife was plastic? How come I didn't notice? Why is there only saliva on _my _sweater? Why doesn't Ryou have any on _his?_

At least Ryou acknowledges that it wasn't my fault! …He's yelling at me just the same, but there wasn't really anything I did! The big — er, short — idiot came rushing — er, shuffling — after me with a potentially dangerous (plastic) weapon! And he hit me! And then he _driveled _on me! ;; I could be emotionally traumatized! But does anyone care? No one but you, Jim Bob. I think I'll snuggle you right now.

…Ryou's giving me odd looks. Perhaps later. Anyway, that old coot totally humiliated me! I _must _kill him. His time's about up, anyway.

…EW, his saliva is in my HAIR! Ryou, I need a SHOWER!

…And of course, we just _had _to walk to Chucking Cheese. I suppose we really did "have" to, since our neighbor's car is still in that ditch. Apparently, as Ryou explained it, Mr. Dee's too much of a lackadaisical barfhead to even get up from the couch and call a tow-truck. Owch. What's a barfhead? Ew. In other words, Ryou thinks our neighbor is a git. That's probably why he agreed to "borrowing" his car to take to Malik's in the first place.

--Speaking of Malik, he's over there in a shoe store. Jim Bob, you might be curious as to why Malik Ishtar is in a shoe store. I shall disclose a very secret… secret, to you, Jim Bob: Malik Ishtar is buying shoes.

Oh.

My.

Ra. (Or Re, or Amon, or Amon-Re, or Pharaoh, although the Pharaoh's technically only half-god. Think of it: a half-god can't keep control of his sixteen-year-old hyperactive koala-child's grandfather long enough to keep him from jumping on me and slobbering on my hikari's (quite lovely) powder blue sweater. It's really a shame. And, yes, Jim Bob, I do think that Yugi resembles a koala. His eyes have that huge, "I KNOW YOU'RE HIDING MY BAMBOO! WHERE IS IT?" look to them. Very sweet and innocent. And mushy. Ugh.

But anyway. I think Malik just saw me. I _think _he saw me, but I'm not sure. He's glaring at me, you see, and scowling, and flailing his arms around. So I'm not sure if he actually sees me or if he's just trying to knock the person fitting his shoe size unconscious.

…No, he was just trying to knock the person fitting his shoe size unconscious. Go figure. Malik hates shoes. n.n Which is why I _loooooooooove _shoes!

Do not be alarmed, Jim Bob! I have no gone crazy and formed incomplete sentences! "n.n" is meant to look like a face! –A happy one, like when an anime character's eyes arch up or when people on the Internet substitute the shifted 6 for eyes! n.n Don't you think this face looks _happy!_

…Well, you're just a journal. It's not like you have the right to vote or anything. Hey, if you have a problem with it, then start some Journal's Suffrage Union, or whatever.

…Ok, _now _Malik _definitely _sees me. He's stolen some shoes (moccasins? O.O) and is heading over towards me and Ryou. I mean, Ryou and I. Darn you, English class! DARN YOU! Not that I ever went to school, mind you. I just bum off of Ryou's learning. That way I don't have to deal with Mrs. Skeever, that teacher with the disgusting wart above her lip…

Ewwwwww… Just thinking about that porky lady makes me want to shudder. Or chunder. Or shudder _while _I chunder, which would look _very _interesting.

…Malik just punched Ryou in the nose. Malik, why did you do that?

…Ryou does _not _owe you money. What kind of a currency is a knut? What's a galleon? What do you mean, you bet your Firebolt away during the Quidditch World Cup?

Why do I get the feeling that Malik's being an incredible geek? And why am I suddenly hungry for jelly beans?

Anyway, Ryou just ran away from Malik, probably to find something to stop his nosebleed. I, for one, didn't think he found Malik that attractive. What's that, Jim Bob? You think that Ryou's nose is bleeding because Malik punched it? Eh, what do you know, you're a book. –Owch. I bet that stung, huh? Hehehe.

Now Malik and I are free to do whatever dastardly things we so desire! We can even poke old people! Or we can go to Hot Topic and steal stuff! Or we can drag the old people _into _the Hot Topic and poke them there while Malik picks out a new skirt — er, _shirt _— to buy! In fact, that sounds like a great idea!

…Except we can't find any old people… Seriously, it's like they all just suddenly disappeared. Is it because of the "I Hate Old People" T-shirt that Malik is wearing, which portrays an old man getting beaten by a stick figure wielding a stick? How does that work, anyway? The stick just looks like a part of the stick figure's arm. But I…. _digress. _(Ooh, fancy-schmancy word! Yeehaw.)

Malik and I can't find any old people… so maybe we should just grab the next person we know and who would be too afraid to sue us, cover them in green paint, spin them around until they're about to throw up, and then dump them into a large water fountain for everyone to laugh at!

…And here comes Weevil. -

---

REVIEW! You know you want to! I do not own Family Guy, nor the "witty" acronyms thought up by Ms. Mallek to help me remember certain things in IPC. I also don't own the Titanic, Chuckie Cheese, Harry Potter, or Hot Topic. I certainly don't own Ms. Mallek. Oh, and I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. …But I do own the (lack of) plot for this story, as well as TESMU OCAOT TAPID! So review! Review! Review… (passes out from lack of air)


	6. How To Make Money Off A Dinosaur

Finally! I got this out. n.n Rejoice! I hope I get lots of reviews. I'll need a few before I update this again.

I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh or Levi's. Or Hadoken. n.n Or Taylor, who is actually one of my friends, or her Togepi, whose name is actually Heavy Metal. n.n Or Snapple, Resident Evil 2, Superman, Smallville, or Animal Crossing.

…I'm in trouble, Jim Bob. Ryou is very unhappy with me. Something about dumping Weevil into a fountain after covering him with green paint, I think. I'm pretty sure that it wasn't my fault. Anyway, I'm stuck up here in my room, grounded, all alone with my magazines… and you, Jim Bob:)

Of course, just because Ryou grounds me doesn't mean I have to _listen. _I could leave my room anytime I want to. …I just don't want to. I could probably use my Duel Monsters cards to give me an edge, but I think Ryou scared Dark Necrofear last time I brought her out, and the Man-Eater Bug won't eat Ryou because he's convinced he's a girl, so there's really nothing I can do. U.U

Except, what's this! Here, in my _Psycho Monthly _magazine, they are advertising a Chibifier 5000! n.n That sounds perfect! I could chibify Ryou and never have to listen to him again!

…But then who would drive me places? And cook for me?

…

--Eh, petty details can wait, can't they? I'm gonna order one! It's $59.99 plus shipping and handling. So where can I get that kind of money without earning it?

…Dinosaur boy. He was screaming something about finally winning a small sum from the… lotaly? Something like that. Ryou explained it to me once. Actually, I think it has the letter 'r' in it. But anyway, he has some money!

I know I have to be subtle about escaping from the house, finding Rex, and shamming him into money. Unfortunately, Ryou's friend Taylor says I'm about as subtle as a Togepi named Heavy Metal. If Yugi had an eggshell around him, he could be a Togepi.

When hikari left the house to do some shopping or knitting or whatever the heck it is he does when he leaves the house, I busted out my flamethrower and melted my window. Only it wasn't such a good idea, because a bird flew in and crapped on my bed. Unfortunately, _you _were on my bed, Jim Bob. So I washed you off with soap and water, but now you're all wet and it's hard to write on you. I may have to… replace—

EEP! I'm sorry! Don't kill me! Or give me paper cuts, or something dastardly like that! Or I may just dull your edges with Snapple!

So, like I said: I take out my flamethrower and melted the window. Then, I nimbly leap out. Some melting glass sticks to my pants. Now I have a cool glass design thing on the bottom of my jeans. :) Well, it's sort of a design. It's really more of a lump. O.O My Levi's have lumps!

So, yeah. I hop out of the window, all badass-like, hopping like a ballerina, and then I fall out of a tree and slink all the way to the Domino Museum. Yes, I slink all the way there. After this, I can say that I _slunk _to the museum. Is slunk a word? Maybe it's slinked. Well, however it's spelled, I did it! All the way there. Which basically mean I skulked over to the Museum in a suspicious and shifty fashion. n.n It was fun!

Then I get into a fight with a hobo over some cordon bleu. I win, but I spend all the cheese gambling at an Indian casino.

_Then _I arrive at the museum. I go inside. Then there's guy… his nametag reads Schuyler. What kind of a name is Schuyler anyway? Pfff! Is he, what, a shoe or something? Stupid name. But this Schuyler apparently wants me to… to _pay _to be inside the museum.

I shudder.

So I use my Hadoken on him. What's that, Jim Bob? You say I don't know how to use Hadoken? Oh, you'll find out…

Anyway, so the guy is… dead. …Well, actually, he is twitching a bit — or rather, convulsing. Like a defeated licker in Resident Evil 2. How do I know what that's like? _I don't know. _

I mosey (yes, mosey is a fun word for children of all ages to enjoy!) over to the part of the museum where they have large, statuesque dinosaur bones on display. And there's I find him.

_Fex. _

…I think that's his name.

"Hey, Fex!" I call out, using Bakura's voice. You know, sounding all _nicey-nicey _and stuff — it's sickening. Fex doesn;t turn around. "I said, 'Hey, Fex!' …HEY, FEX!"

Finally, dinosaur boy turns around, and looked around, bewildered. …I guess his name isn't Fex. Maybe it's Gex? It's worth a try.

"Hello, Gex," I say, stepping up to him and — ugh — smiling. But other than the smiling, I am so cool! Because I'm Bakura. And I'm a tomb robber. And I have a headless beanie baby collection that _nobody _knows about! And I stole the beanie babies from children! Mwahahaha! I'm so sadistic.

Gex turned to me. "Uh, you talking to me?"

I nod and smile — I mean, continue to smile. Dang, Ryou smiles a lot. "Of course, Gex."

"My name's not Gex."

I frown. What the heck is this ugly punk's name? "Of course… I'm just messing with you, Hex."

"It's not Hex either."

"Lex?"

"That's the bad guy in Superman, right? And in Smallville. Or is he the bad guy in Smallville? I dunno, I don't really watch the show. In any case, he's not me."

Dang.

"Uh… I'm just kidding, I knew it's… Rex."

Rex's eyes lit up. "Bingo! Ha ha, you sure had me going. What can I do ya for?"

He sounds like somebody from Animal Crossing. …Where do I know that game from?

"…Do you wanna give me sixty dollars?"

"Huh?"

"Wanna make sixty dollars?" I say. I try to do what hikari does when he asks somebody to do something for him, and smile _reallyreally _bigUnfortunately I don't think I'm doing it right, because the dino-boy grimaces and looks like I've just made a really foul smell—oh, wait. Never mind. H-ha ha ha.

Rex's eyes light up like two… big… headlights or something. "Sure!" he shouts in my ear. It bleeds. ;-;

"Ok then… I'll need you to give me sixty dollars." I hold out my hand. With my other hand, I write all this down in my journal. That's why this is in present tense, you know!

"Ok," Rex says. And like a fool, he gives it to me. "Now what?" he asks, but I am already rushing towards the exit of the museum. "Just tell me what to do when I see you later!" he says, waving. "Thanks Bakura!"

That fool… n.n


	7. That Yugi Sure can Tackle

I do not own Godzilla. Who would _want _to own Godzilla? You'd have to feed him like, all of Rhode Island everyday. I also don't own Adam Sandler, Waterboy, or Captain Insane-o. Cologne is from Ranma 1/2 and therefore is property of Rumiko Takahashi.

So now, Jim Bob, I have my money. This is fantastic. If I chibify my host, then there is no way that he can keep me from leaving the house when I'm grounded! Mwahahahahaha!

"You're grounded!" a very obnoxious, ugly-sounding voice says. Wait, I know that voice.

_3rd person perspective_

Bakura looked up and sniffed indignantly at the Pharaoh. "So what?" he demanded.

"It's just that you're out of the house anyway," Yami pointed out.

Bakura blinked his chocolate brown eyes. "So I am," he grumbled. "Not that it's any business of _yours, _Pharaoh."

Yami held up his hands defensively. "I'm just saying," he said. "Just saying..."

Bakura narrowed his eyes, wondering just what on pirate potty island was making the highly-esteemed King of Games act… "nervous…"

"YAMI!" What was surely a lung-bursting scream made the Earth rumble beneath the two powerful spirits' feet.

_Bakura's journal again!_

Amon-Re! The Pharaoh's monkey host just let loose a cry like Godzilla! Yami looks extremely nervous now. In fact, he looks... he looks _scared! _H-ha ha ha.

Oh, Ra! The midget's coming outside. And he looks steamed! In fact, steam is coming out of his ears, and... o.o; Is his hair _drooping?_

It _is! _H-ha ha ha ha ha! It looks like a wilted flower partially melted on his head. And he's screaming his head off at Yami. Yami turns his head in fear, and--

AAAAAAGH! I'm being blinded by the Pharaoh's monstrous hair!

--------,-------- It's so SHIIIIIIIINY! I'm blind!

I think the Pharaoh put waaaay too much hair gel in today. What's that, Jim Bob? What are you saying?

...Oh, yeah, that's right; nothing; you can't talk. I forgot. No offense or anything. I know you still have a soul...

Anyway, I think that's what Yugi's screaming about. He seems really, really upset. Like Godzilla. Ah, my ears! His screams are like... loud or something... oh, like nails being scratched against a chalkboard. Ryou's teacher in 4th grade totally did that. It was awful. One time, a kid's eardrums actually popped and he ran out of the room screaming bloody murder. Nobody could figure out why he was saying that, though. What did "Bloody Murder" have anything to do with nails across a chalkboard?

"Yami!" the oh-so-short one screams. "You used all the hair gel, you--"

O.O My, my. I didn't even know the Pharaoh's brat _knew _that sort of invective. Maybe he, too, has been listening to _da RAP! _That CD, after all, _was _the Pharaoh's to begin with, so it seems only natural that the idiot picked some of those words up. Maybe Yugi listens to the voices as well...

Now that kid is _charging _the Pharaoh! O.O He's like Adam Sandler in Waterboy! ...He just pulled a Captain Insane-o move, too! The Pharaoh's down! Yugi is... wow... is it healthy to chew jeans?

Since when did the Pharaoh start wearing jeans, anyway? ...EW! His legs! I'd forgotten how hairy they are. My leg hairs are BLONDE! They blend in with my perfect skin. I should pose.

...I'm posing.

Yes, I am hot. There is no one as hot as me. ...Except, perhaps, Ryou. He's _close, _I guess. But not really. He doesn't have that certain charismatic je ne sais quoi, even though he's sort of a scion of mine. That is, my descendant, heir, kin, progeny. He's kind of like a femmy spin-off of myself. After all, I am 200 certain that I do not look anything like a girl.

I throw my miniature thesaurus at the Pharaoh, turn, and run away laughing my head off. Now I have the sixty dollars I need to--oh, wait, I already went over this. Well that's repetitive. -.- Uhm...

So, yeah. I'm running. But I already said that. _Also _repetitive. Anyway, the thing with the Pharaoh and the hair gel is disturbing. I love _my _hair. It's naturally fluffy and requires a minimal amount of shampoo! Even back in Ancient Egypt, where I didn't really bathe very often... ok, so this one time, I went like a month without bathing... but that's because one of my victim's bled in the bucket where I was keeping my water. Gross.

Luckily Yugi lives close to my host's apartment. Well, not really, but I run pretty fast. Alright, so I'm making a little old lady give me a piggyback ride. She looks rather ugly, though... Her nametag says "Cologne." Ew, she's gross. Oh, here's Ryou's apartment!

...She wants me to PAY her? O.O What does she think I am, some kind of _honest _person? Just because she got me here in 1/100th of the time it should've taken an old lady to, that doesn't mean I owe her anything!

Ok, I sent her to the Shadow Realm. No problems now! n.n

So, Jim Bob, here I climb up the stairs. There's this thing called an elevator, but it's really only for cripples, invalids, and people that flee there in terror of me. n.n

What's this! O.O I hear _music _behind our door! Gah!

...What in the name of Osiris...? o.O


	8. Iffy kiffy izzy oh

_"I don't brag I mostly boast/From the va to the L.A. coast/Iffy kiffy izzy oh!"_

Iffy kiffy izzy wha?! O.O Good gullible Gollums, Jim! Ryou must be once again listening to _da RAP! _Although it sounds very different this time. Like, as different as a rabbit and a chimp. But they're basically the same!

I summon my Man-Eater Bug and have him raze the front door. n.n And by _razing _it he _raises _it above my head! …Before tossing it swiftly down the hall! n.n He's such a good boy! Who's a good wittle… uh, big bug? Um, you are. O.o

Ryou is gaping at me through the (now, hehe) _doorless_ doorway.

"The door was open!" he protests. Lies! "Well, it was unlocked!"

I think my host knows that I caught him listening to _da RAP! _He's retrieved the CD from the small stereo he has and has speedily placed it on the counter. Missy… Elliott. Also an evil person whom I must compete with—wait, Elliott? "That was a guy?"

My host blinks his muddy brown eyes. "That was a girl."

"Hey! No way," I say. "Hey! I rhymed! I just did it again!"

Ryou gives me a puzzled expression. I put it in my pocket. Then he looks at me like I am a _madman! _Madman I say!

…Oh wait. Hehehehehe.

"So what did you do today?" my lighter half asks, trying for a conversation while pouring milk. …_Milk… _I seethe. TESMU OCAOT TAPID has been here.

"n.n I went to the museum!" I chirp, hoping Ryou will become distracted from the dairy product's evil influences.

"…Why's that got you so happy?" he wonders aloud.

"n.n Fex gave me money to turn you into a chibi."

A tiny bit of milk spills onto the counter. Score!

"Pardon?" Ryou looks at me with wide, startled eyes.

"I said I met a FedEx guy who bought me a martini," I lie smoothly. His eyes narrow at me. Oh yeah, baby; he doesn't suspect a _thing._

…Jim Bob, I know you're not a baby. You and I are grown men. Yet we can still talk about our _feelings. _Gah. That's an awful word. It's longer than four letters, that's why. Plus it has the word _feel _in it. And I really don't care much for the _ing _part, either.

"You really shouldn't be drinking," Ryou advises me as he wipes the white blot from the counter. Take that, cows! "Where was this?" he ponders innocently. He turns to me. …Wait just a bloody cotton pickin' minute, his eyes say. His eyes like cotton.

"I thought I grounded you," he accuses.

"Sweatdrop."

"…You just narrated your sweat drop," Ryou says, amazed.

"In the Shadow Realm," I change the subject.

Ryou gasps falsely. "How'd you get there?"

"The Pharaoh crept into my room and sent me there while I was sleeping. I fell asleep during Oprah."

Ryou nods; this has already happened dozens of times, so there's really no reason not to believe me.

"How did the Fedex guy get there?" he inquires.

"Yami probably sent him there, too. Probably didn't get his _Seventeen _magazine or something."

"I thought that was UPS," he mumbles. "And he bought you a martini because…?"

"You ask too many questions," I say. He glares at me. "Well, you do! Just ask Jim Bob!"

"Qui est Jim Bob?"

"O.O Depuis quand est-ce que tu parles en français?"(1)

"There are many things you don't know about me," my host replies mysteriously.

I lean back, cross my arms, and make my eyes half-lidded. Classic thugster look. Or, I may look like a druggie. Or the author. "Fair enough," I say.

"I'll tell Yugi that Yami sent you to the Shadow Realm," Ryou assures me. "He'll get in trouble for that."

Oh, I know… He's already in trouble with the Yugi. "The Pharaoh's midget friend should be a football player," I say. Ryou gives me a really bizarre look. I exchange it with the puzzled look in my pocket and eat the puzzled look like a cookie.

"He tackled the Pharaoh… the other day," I explain/lie. "He totally knocked him over! And then he tried to pull the Pharaoh's hair out."

Hm… Jim Bob! I wonder what Ryou's future occupation will be? He could be an archaeologist like his pop… :) He should be a doula!

- 3rd person scene! –

"A doula!?" Ryou sputtered. "Why would you think that I would want to be one of those?"

Bakura took a guess. "You like kids?" Ryou sweat dropped outrageously.

"I would _not _make a good doula!" he screeches.

Then, Bakura said something utterly stupid: "I didn't say you would make a good one… I said that you _should _be one." Ryou's fierce gaze heated the room. Bakura loosened the collar his t-shirt didn't have. "Is it hot in here? Or is that just my _godliness?!_"

Ryou fell over.

- End 3rd person scene! -

My host always picks the most inappropriate times to laugh. -.- Hmph!

(1) "Who is Jim Bob?"/"O.O Since when do you speak French?"


	9. Les Fieres It's French!

_Author's note: I've decided, in case you can't tell, to give this a general plot, however weird it may be. Well, not really. It's more going to have "arc" like things. The first arc is the "chibifier 5000" arc. The next arc… well, we'll see, shall we? (That just means I haven't written it yet… U.U Akio-chan asked me to update this, so here the update is! A week or three after she asked, but whatever… - sweat drop - )_

Ryou confined me back to my room, Jim Bob. I'm still not sure how a sixteen-year-old pale British kid with no upper body strength can confine me to my room, but somehow me manages to. By the way, I'm on a bus.

The Chibifier 5000 is made by some company called Les Fieres. That sounds French. I hate the French. Actually, no, that guy who antagonized me in that bathroom in Belgium was Flemmish. Apparently he didn't appreciate me kicking the stall doors because it was his job to clean them. Who cares? He should've gotten a better job!(1)

Anyhoo, so I'm going to Les Fieres headquarters. The only problem is that it happens to me in these stupid part of Domino City that is called… wait for this Jim Bob… Oh, wait, you're a notebook.

… No, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings! I'm sorry! I'll try to be more considerate to you, if you don't tell anyone.

…So, the section of Domino City that I am traveling to is called 'Francetown.' While 'Chinatown' sounds like a perfectly normal place to have in a city, 'Francetown' sounds like a name some unimaginative kid named his town on Animal Crossing. And that game stunk after I dunked the cartridge into a glass of sour milk. Actually, the game stunk anyway. It smelled faintly of rotten cheese. Nintendo needs to sort that out. I'm sure we could've gotten a new cartridge with the warranty.

So, Jim Bob, I am on my way to Les Fieres headquarters. It's starting to rain outside, and… uh-oh. That's bad. o.o Whenever it starts to rain and I'm grounded, Ryou will invite me downstairs to watch TV with him, because he's just that retarded. …Or was the word I was looking for nice? Meh, whatever. He'll figure out that I'm gone if he goes upstairs. Good thing I left a decoy of sorts.

Anyway, I guess this would be the ideal time to monologue aloud on why the bus is the crappiest sort of transportation. The woman sitting next to me is breastfeeding her baby, which is gross, and the worst part is that when I asked her if she would stand up so that I could stretch my legs across her seat, she said no! That's really rather inconsiderate. …And now she's glaring at me, because like I said, I'm monologuing out loud.

"Monologuing isn't a word." That's what she just said. "Well guess what, woman? You happen to be found in errorI looked it up in the dictionary. It can also be spelled m-o-n-o-l-o-g-g-i-n-g. I guess that's what you get for having kids and giving up on your education. In high school, you were probably a…"

She _punched _me! Geez. I think I'll just move to another section of the bus… Shoot! I just missed my stop! I should really slap my forehead, Jim Bob. How could I have missed the stop where the odor of many types of cheese wafted through the air and people kept cursing at people in a language that made their vituperation sound romantic? Not to mention the electronic voice on the bus said, "Now arriving at Francetown. Please exit. _On arrive maintenant a Francetown. Partez s'il vous plait. Furansutoun o kimashita. Deguchi ni ikimashou._ _Wir sind hier, dumm. Essen Sie meine Kurzhose. Esto no es un taladro. Dispararemos a todos ladrones de tumbas en este autobús._" It also went on in several other, badly-translated announcements, like Russian and Norwegian and pig Latin. Since I need to get to Francetown, I wait until we get to the next stop, then hop off to find myself surrounding by pasty-white figures wearing black-and-white striped shirts.

Goodness Jim Bob! I've just hopped off in Vampires-in-Jail town! …Although now that I think about it, this looks a little more like Mimetown. So I must be there.

…Domino City's just a little too big, if we have a Mimetown. Although it is very interesting here. There's this one guy who's standing in a hunched over position, his hands resting on his stomach, and he's making a motion as if he's about to vomit drunkenly all over the sidewalk.

"That guy hasn't moved in ages!" remarks one guy.

"You're not supposed to talk, stupid!" another one retorts. "What kind of mime are you?"

The guy who hasn't moved in ages isn't even blinking. His eyes are large and wet-looking, like those of a fish. He has pale, ashen-colored lips, and multiple face piercings that his mother must be ashamed off. On his forehead there is glued a piece of paper that says, "Hi. My name is Strings." That's just retarded.

However, there is a gaggle of girls surrounding him, staring at him appreciatively.

"There's one guy who won't say something stupid," this one blonde girl says. She turns and grabs the arm of some shorter kid that looks similar to her and is shuffling through a deck of cards. "C'mon, Colton, let's go."

"But you said I could buy Magic cards!" the blonde kid argues.

"I'm not going to mime my way through telling the person at the register that I want some cards. Let's just go."

The kid looks disappointed. His sister pulls him my way. And… O.O

. She's so… cool!

JIM BOB! Takes notes. I think I'm in love.

…Oh, that's right—I'm the one who takes notes. In you. Hm… There's a sexual innuendo in there somewhere, but I don't feel like looking for it. I know it's there, though.

But ANYWAY! Yes, I must be in love. I haven't had this much affection for something since new episodes of _Sheep in the Big City _came on. I should abandon my plans to chibify Ryou and buy her a cookie! …No, that's just crazy; I'll just put them off for a bit while I follow her in inconspicuous fashion.

…_No, _Jim Bob, those people aren't staring at me. I'm a tomb thief! I'm too good to be caught. They just happen to be staring through me at a completely boring brick wall. That's all. Maybe under the cow cult's influence. You know—TESMU OCAOT TAPID. …Oh, wait. My fly is down. They ARE staring at me. Dang.

(_Zip._) Yes, Jim Bob, I just wrote down the sound of my zipping up my pants. That's called something like a narrated onomatopoeia. I can't believe I spelled that right. I can't believe I know I spelled that right. But, I ain't-gotta-pee-a, so I think I'll follow that girl instead.

…I think I lost her.

Dang.

Hey, I can see my hikari from here! Hi hikari!

…Wait, I don't _really _call him hikari… People look at me weird when I do that.

"Oi! Stupid -----!"

Ah, there. Now he knows I'm here. …No, he didn't hear me. Dang.

3rd person view

"Bakura?" Ryou turned around, frazzled. Hadn't he told the delirious delinquent to stay in his room? Still, Bakura was about two feet away from him, scrabbling into his notebook with a pen, and muttering, "I can't believe he didn't hear me…"

"Bakura?" Ryou reached out and touched his darker half on the shoulder. "Is that you?"

"If it isn't, this scene'll be pretty awkward," said a fat man in green pants and a white shirt who was passing by. "He he he he he."

Ryou blinked. "Bakura, look at me!" He shook Bakura's shoulders. When that didn't work, he grabbed his chin and forced the spirit to look at him. …Or tried to.

"Look at me," he commanded, but Bakura's eyes were averted to his notebook. "What are you writing in that thing? Why aren't you in your room? Why do you smell like picked plums and how do I know what those smell like?"

Bakura's P.O.V.

Ryou is still ignoring me, Jim Bob! This stinks! …Why do I smell like pickled plums?

"BAKURA!" I look up.

"Hi," I say. Looks like he's finally paying attention to me. …Suddenly I get a cold feeling that permeates throughout my body, like I'm about to get chewed out. Maybe it's the smell of pickled plums.

"Bakura, why aren't you in your room?"

…Oh, yeaaaah. My room.

"The house is being robbed," I tell him. "I came to warn you."

Ryou crosses his arms. "And a fine job you did at it," he says. I thank him. He sighs. "Why didn't you just scare the burglar out of his wits? I know you're lying…"

"He had a tattoo," I blurted lamely—I mean, carefully planned out.

"…Um… right." Ryou scratched an itch on the tip of his nose.

Bakura's P.O.V.

I think he's buying it, Jim Bob.

"Well," my wussy half says. "…You're saying that out loud you know." The wimp doesn't suspect a thing. "…Go home and tell that guy with the tattoo to hand your butt to you," he says, miffed, and then walks away. Well, that went well. And, look, Jim Bob: drama! See: The sun is setting as he walks into the horizon… wait, the sun is setting!

o.o This is terrible, Jim Bob. And I'll tell you wh

(1) This is based off of a real-life experience I had in Belgium… (sweat drops) I kicked the bathroom stall door because my sister was in there and we were fighting. I was in 3rd grade.


	10. My Lurid Blossom

When the sun sets, Jim Bob, I turn into a Supervillain.

Not that I'm not a super super supervillain already. I am. I am the shizz. I'm a hot ticket, too. But at night, I become even morecrafty than Macaroni & Cheese.

Why is this bad, Jim Bob? I bet you're dying to know. Your paper heart is thumping away in sheer suspense! …Or sumthin'. Anyhoo, the bad thing about being a capital-S-upervillian is that I can't show my real identity. Because Supervillains can't do that. So I don't get to take credit for all of the awesome things I do.

So, Jim Bob, I in the car with Ryou as he drives me home. Yes, I know there's no verb after "I," but who needs one? I'm gangsta! That means ignorance! Anyhoo, so I bein' driven' home. After all, that's where my Supervillain costume is. Once I get home, I've got to change into it while "To The Threshold" by Hatebreed sounds rebelliously in the background.

My Supervillain costume is the shizz! I don't care what Malik says. It makes me look AND feel pretty! The earthy tones of my (forest green) nylon cape really set off my eyes! And my hat is comparable to that of Darkwing Duck! Ha ah! And Malik flouted me! What a retard!

Anyway, so, once I get home, I'll change. Usually, I would go and bother the Pharaoh, but today I think I'll try something different. I should try to find… _that girl._

I shouldn't tell Ryou about her. Many friends (if I had any) would give me smiles of approbation if I hinted that I, Bakura, wanted to… _date _girls, despite my hair flamboyantly hinting that I may be gay. Which I'm not. Ew. To assuage these rumors, I _would _get this girl to… to… to _like _me! Yes! And we could form a grand coalition against the Pharaoh! And we would preach of the wonders of decadence and expostulate with the ignorant masses for being pure and for listening to hackneyed Britney Spears music!

…E, x, p, o, s, t, u l, a, t, e… that's _eleven _letters! No one can say I'm not smart.

So, I'm taking a hiatus from embittering the Pharaoh. Besides, I'm out of boa constrictors, so there's nothing fun I could do to him anyway. …Unless I had whipped cream. That's not an innuendo; I'd put it on his hair. With some pigeon poop. That might be interesting. He's go nuts.

So… where on Earth can I find that girl? Did she even say her name? …Did she say the name of that person she was with?

…_Colton._

Colton's an unusual name. How many Colton's can there be in _Japan, _after all? I mean, what a weird name. Why doesn't he have a normal name, like Tatsuya or Ichiro or Yuu—no, Yuugi is _not _a normal name. I _hate _that name! It stings… it burns…

…What the heck are we _listening to?_

"Girl I've been shaking, sticking and moving tryna get to you and that monkey, tryna get to you and that monkey, tryna get to you and that monkey."

"A monkey? Just what on Earth is this? A zoo?"

"The radio, Bakura," Ryou says, lessening the volume a bit. "And I'm glad you met a girl."

"…You've been reading my thoughts!"

"-.- You've been thinking out loud."

"Oh." Well that's embarrassing…

"I would suppose so."

"Dang it!"

We come to a red light. Ryou floors the pedal, raging past the intersection before even _I _can make the tiniest guttural noise. He just ran a red light. Ryou can be pretty cool sometimes. I must be teaching him well. My evil is interceding his purity, like Yugi tackles Yami when he's about to do something stupid. H-He he he…

As if sensing my approval, Ryou makes sure to stop at the next red light in plenty of time. He emits a jaded sigh. My vocabulary rocks.

"So what are you going to do?" Ryou asked. "Give her flowers?"

Flowers? My lurid blossom deserves nothing less than a severed head as a gift!

"…Your lurid blossom?"

"Dang. Did I say that out loud, too?"

"Yeah…" Ryou grins slyly at me. "Well, I'll un-ground you if you're actually trying to find some female company. That's meritorious enough. Just make sure she has a cute friend."

Is he kidding? I really thought Ryou was a 2—you know, bi but leaning more toward the opposite sex, sort of in that grey bisexual area.

"You—are—still—talking—out—loud," Ryou says in a steely voice. What's his problem? Man, is he peevish. There's nothing more annoying than a petulant host.

"Living with you, it's my prerogative to be in a constant state of agitation," Ryou says. "You have the most provincial… uhm… okay, that word doesn't really work in this sentence."

"Nice try, though."

"Yeah."

"So… uhm… I'll help you," Ryou says. "In fact, let's simulate a conversation."

Ah. Stupid boy has nothing better to do at a stoplight than pretend he's a pansy _girl. _Well, fine, I'll bite. As politely as I can muster, I say, "Hello, my name is Bakura. What's yours?"

"Bite me." I glance at him oddly. "Well, that's probably what she'll say, if she's as lurid as you say she is."

I smile. "Yes, yes, that is what she'll say! Of course!" Ryou chortles at me. Gah! He's laughing at me! And I thought he'd transcended pansihood and was becoming closer to the evil being that he's meant to be. Apparently my umbrage was incorrect.

"I can't believe I got you to say 'Hello, my name is Bakura' in a polite manner," Ryou giggled. He's _giggling! _For Ra's sakes! He was being unctuous and earnest to help me so that he could _laugh _at me! The _witch! _Yes, he is too girly to be a warlock! He's a witch! He's _ugly! _He's… he's…

He's laughing harder.

I hate him.


	11. Insert disastrous bug pun here!

_Thanks everyone for reviewing in such a timely manner. - So, I've written this faster than I would have… much faster than I would have. I'm glad everyone liked the last chapter! Heh. Enjoy this little present as school begins and we are all plunged into the academic abyss once again…_

So, we arrived home, and I died a little inside. But, Jim Bob, the night is still young! I'm gonna go get a phone book! But, because Ryou's been a… well, a jerk, I took over his body. Now there's just one of us. But _I'm _in control. H-hehehe…

So, I got changed dramatically. The disappointing thing is that I couldn't find my hat. And my cape ripped when I tripped over it. So I changed into all black clothes. I looked like a hawt goth dud3. Yes, hawt. I'm a tomb robber. Spelling isn't something I need to be _too _concerned about… but how to you spell 'Colton' in Japanese? With katakana?

"Was Colton his last name?" Ryou asks me through our mind link. "Or his first? It'll make a big difference whether you're searching for Colton Smith, or Smith, Colton."

"His last name is Smith?"

"No, I was just using an example. And you said he was a kid? He might be under his parents' names instead of his."

Aw, screw it. Maybe I'll just wander around town until I see her, or that kid she was with. It could work, right? Never mind it's around 10 at night now. So I sneak outside unseen.

"Get off my lawn!"

Well, almost unseen. The neighbor's back, Jim Bob. I think he's wondering where that dent on his car came from. Ryou sends a flash of guilt my way, and I book it down the street.

_MUCHO LATERISH!_

I just had to confirm that it is, in fact, mucho laterish. (Does this phrase make me sound _Spanish? _…I doubt it.) I'm back in Mimetown. I figure maybe she'll come back. At 10 at night. To a place she expressed disgust with. I look around… Everything looks like it's in black and white. They could really ameliorate the tourist attractions of this place with some nice pastels. Or free food. Whichever. As long as the food wasn't black and white. That might be kind of weird, depending on what kind of food it is. I don't eat white apples, or black strawberry smoothies. I do eat charred peanuts though, even though my host claims that's disgusting, and those are black as a mole on your backside… although you are a notebook, Jim Bob, and light blue pocket spirals do not have moles. They don't have backsides, either. Maybe I'll draw one in sharpie on your back cover when I get home.

Anyway, looking for the girl that Colton guy was with…

So, I stride through the monochrome setting with a certain aplomb that us hawt goth dud3s can stride with. I have two goals: one, I have to find that _girl. _Second, I have to buy some noshies and soda. –Er, I meant steal! 'Cuz I'm thirsty. And us hawt goth dud3s gonna drink when we be thirsty. (Does this phrase make me sound _ignorant?_ …Nah, not really. Lots of people talk that way…)

The noshies and soda, I decide, come first. I see a Texaco—what? So what if I'm in Japan! There's a black-and-white _Texaco _in Mimetown, okay Jim Bob? Sheesh. …Are you _doubting me?_

…Anyway, so I go inside. Luckily these people don't look like mimes. In fact, some bombastic-looking manager is talking to some callow-looking boy with bright green hair behind the register. Is that… it is!

Weevil Underwood. In living flesh. And color! He had to be the only colorful thing in this whole section of town! Still, that doesn't make him pretty to look at.

"It's not _my _fault the moths were stuck in the Icee machine!" Weevil avers, Ewww. Just how obsessed with bugs is this guy? "I love bugs! I would never want to _drink _them!" Bugs taste gooey… Er, I mean…

I think this guy needs a super hawt goth dud3-given wedgie. But first, the soda.

While bugbutt is arguing with the—ok, Jim Bob, I know, _bugbutt _is a lame insult. But whatever.

3rd person P.O.V., babeh

The self-proclaimed hawt goth dud3 inched over towards the aisle, where frosty freezers housed oodles of insect-free soda, just waiting to be sipped. Bakura waited until Weevil was spouting out a very steady tirade of drivel before opening up the door. A blast of cold air hit him, and this was the very epitome of surprise. Meaning—

CRASH!

Bakura fell to the ground and hit a stack of cans of strained peas. Why they were selling strained peas in Texaco, our hero—er, SUPERvillain—did not know, but they were, and the cans crashed to the ground.

"And another thing!" Weevil screamed. "I don't know why you keep those strained peas in the middle of the aisle like that! That guy just tripped over them!"

The manager's face paled. "They're… they're placed there to exhort people to buy the—sir, are you okay?"

Bakura's P.O.V.!

Jim Bob, I think my brain is exposed…

Some guy is coming up to me! I must act as if I didn't steal the soda! …Oh wait, I haven't yet… But this man is coming to kick me out of the shop, with his ex officio powers! EX OFFICIO POWERS! FEAR THEM, JIM BOB!

"He's talking to you, snob!" Weevil turns his nose up at me. The manager squints at me a bit more. He has a tight black ponytail, and eyes that appear to be just two tiny dots. Weird. Maybe he's on something.

"Sir?" He pokes my shoulder. EEK! He's infringing on my privacy! HE TOUCHED MY BODY! I FEEL VIOLATED!

"DON'T VIOLATE _ME_!" I scream like something primal, leaping up and forming a clawing position with my hands. The manager blinks at me.

"Erm, sir? I wasn't trying to…"

"GET OUT OF MY FACE AND LET ME SHOP!" I roar. Roar, Jim Bob, roar! Yes! I am fearless! Primal! I am Tarzan! I don't _need _a loincloth to be brave! I…. wait, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. And, maybe if I were Tarzan, I would keep the loincloth.

The manager dud3 seems totemo confused. He backs away, raising his hands up, palms toward me in submission. "S-Sorry," he stammers.

Weevil is apoplectic (boy, is that an impressive word). "Why are you being nice to him?" he screams at his employer. "Now I have to restack all these cans!"

The store manager stares at Weevil like he's an interloper. (Another good word! I'm on a roll! …Or maybe a croissant. Mm. Yummy.) Then he says these great, great, great words of wisdom:

"…Yes. Yes, you do."

Weevil angry. Weevil smash. Weevil hurt hand on strained pea can.

I guess Weevil isn't an ingratiating kiss-up like Rex or Yugi. Ah well. His eyes are bugging out. Maybe if I take a picture of it, he'll pay me for it. After all, his intrinsic passion for all things insectual (ooh, see what I did there! I made him look _bad, _Jim Bob. He he) will always come out.

"You stupid idiot!" Bugboy inveighs against me. "Now I have to clean up all these cans of strained peas! …UGH!"

Bugspit fakes lassitude as he practically drags himself across the store to where I am, Jim Bob. He's ignoring me. I grab my head and pretend to be in great pain. I let out an Oscar-worthy groan to show how ouchy my boo-boo is. Still he ignores me. He even kicks my foot out of his way. He squats down, his pressed pants crinkling… oh how he deserves a wedgie…

"That isn't nice," Ryou tells me from deep inside his soul room.

"Bugger off," I say to Ryou _and _to Weevil. That way I can feel Ryou getting miffed, _and _watch Weevil's eyes bug out to about the size of Yugi's normal eyes. (Maybe _Yugi's _the one who's on something, then?)

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!" the green-haired boy explodes. "_I _should bugger off? I _work _here!"

"Gasp! Ex officio powers! Oh no! Not a lowly _register _boy!"

Weevil glares at me. Yay!

"Keep stacking those cans," I say as I get up. My chest hurts. The Millennium Ring pressed against my skin when I fell down and it hurt, Jim Bob. But I won't cry! I… am… _a man!_

…My lesser half is laughing at me. That's it. _He's _not getting _his _body back for awhile. Hmph.

I glower at the manager, trying to get him to back off because of my hawt goth dud3n3ss. He blinks at me. Man, he has tiny eyes. Did I mention that already? They are like… the opposite of Yugi's eyes…

"Sir, you are welcome to a free soda," he said.

"An cult soda?" I like being difficult.

"Er… what? The _club _sodas are over there…" He blinks again. Darn beady eyes.

"The cult soda," I repeat. "You know, like 'Killer' soda and that."

"…That's sick and unfunny."

"But the taste is so great!"

"Sir, can I ask you to leave?" The manager eyes me warily. Ok, quoting things from Scary Movie was a _bit _over the top… stop looking at me like I'm a rapist, Jim Bob! Dang!

"Sure." I open the door to the freezer again, grab a Pepsi, (because I have been paid to endorse this product,) and leave. The door closes automatically behind me.

I pop open the can and take a loud sip.

And glaaaaaaance to the left.

And glaaaaaaance to the right.

Ok. Nobody saw me _not _steal that soda. Man, that would have been embarrassing if I'd been bought not stealing something. I take another loud sip. Mmm. Tastes like… Pepsi. (Who has paid me to endorse their product!) _Almost _as good as a stolen product. Hooray.

………..Soooooooooo… that was pointless, eh, Jim Bob? No, Jim Bob, I am not Canadian.

"WATCH OUT!"

_EVEN MORE LATERISH!_

…Why is there a dead fish on my head? Ewwwww! The… wetness—juices?—from the fish are permeating my hair! Where did I learn that word? AND WHO'S THIS GUY STARING AT ME?

"Hi! My name is Mako!" says… Fred? Did he say his name was Fred? It sounds familiar. "Are you okay?"

I sit up, but my head is swimming. Everything feels painful. I think I see purple eyeballs precipitating from the sky and a fat lady in the clouds in a towel. Ewww.

…Owwwwy, my head huuuuurts…

"Why does my head hurt?" I snap. I bet Fred's wondering why I'm writing everything down in you while I'm talking. I'm sorry if the handwriting's messy, Jim Bob. My head hurt-es. …Shoot! I spilled a bit of Pepsi on you! Luckily it just dampened one of your corners a bit.

"A guy on a skateboard hit you in the head," Fred says. That explains the wheel marks on my face. And the _pain. _Did I mention the pain? It hurts! I bet the punk who hit me worked for TESMU OCAOT TAPID. Maybe it was a cow. Do cows skateboard?

"Cows do not skateboard," Ryou tells me. Bah. I bet he's wrong.

"You need a place to stay?" Fred asks. I ask why he asks. He asks why I asked why he asked, and I reply that I want to know why he asked why I asked why _he asked, _and he asks about that, and then I just ask why he asked in the first place.

He points to my pants and shoes. "You look like a hobo. Maybe a shower? You can take one at my place."

"Suuuuuuure," I say sarcastically… Very sarcastically… He's still looking at me with concern… I don't think this Fred guy gets it. He pulls me to his feet—er, my feet—um, I can't really tell, and then leads me down the street, while—get this—_still holding my hand. _

"My hand," I say. He looks at me weird, then drops the contact.

"Sorry. I thought you might try to run away."

"…Were you planning on chasing me if I did? Where are you taking me?" I demand. He looks at me weird.

"My apartement," Fred says.

"You just said apartment with two 'e's. It's not spelled that way," I correct. He shrugs. "There's an 'a,' I say," I say. Lookies, Jim Bob, I rhymed again!

"There's two 'a's in apartement, not three."

"You just said it with an extra 'e' again," I point out.

"Apartment. How can you tell? Anyway, it's not exactly a mansion, but it's home."

"Of course it's not a mansion. You said it was an apartment."

"Whatever. Let's go."

"I have a place of my own, Fred."

Fred pauses and looks at me. This would be about the time I realized he wasn't wearing a shirt. _I _look like a hobo? "Uhm… you're just barely hobbling along right now."

"Not true."

"Uh, yeah it is." He points once again to my pants. "I mean, look at that."

"Just because my pants happen to have a large amount of blood on them, where I probably fell down and scraped my knees, doesn't mean I can't wa—" Oof. Hit the lamppost. The sucker just jumped out at me, I swear.

…Why is there two of you, Jim Bob? Everything's so blurry…

"Just go with him!" Ryou screams in my ear, exasperated. Dang, for someone with no corporeal form right now, he sure is loud…

"Are you coming?"

"Ok, ok…"

This sucks. At least I'm bloody, though. Blood rocks. I'd draw a big smiley face here, with a large grin and a Mohawk, if my hand wasn't shaking. Uhm… Was did I just slosh through? A red puddle?

Oh poo. Is that _mine?_


	12. A fishy marital situation

3rd Person P.O.V.

Mako's apartment was adorned with a cheap brown couch and a cheap blue couch, a TV that had Satellite, and a few lamps twisted like something out of a Dr. Seuss book. The kitchen was connected to the funny bone—I mean the living room. Splitting off from the living room was a dark hallway, where one could reach the bathroom, (where you could use the John while having a dead fish stare at you from a plaque) the bedroom (where a plush fish could be found next to a teddy bear), and another room… a trophy room, filled with fishing trophy after fishing trophy. There were also several fishing shows recorded on VHS in a stack in the corner. Now that's just sad.

But who cares? Time for what Bakura has to say! Wooooooooo wave your hands in the aiiiiiiir! Like ya jus' don' caaaaaaaare! Ungh! Ungh! …Ok, I'll stop that now.

And now, for our feature P.O.V.:

What the heck is with all the fish1!1111!

Fred dragged me two blocks down the street, into a dingy-looking _apartment _building. Then I climbed three flights of stairs while Fred helped by grabbing my arms and practically carrying me. All the while, I left a nice trail of red clues for any homicide investigators to… investigate, like they're supposed to. After all, this Fred guy _is _pretty pushy. I bet some prison time could fix that.

His apartment is filled with fish. Not live fishes in aquariums, but gutted trophy fish preserved and staring and glossy-eyed and scaly and creepy and _dead. _Fred has _really _loused up the interior decoration with all of these… dead things. Not that I don't like dead things, but usually, I gouge out their eyes. Maybe he wants people to know they're fresh; I've heard you can tell by their eyes.

Mako seems really proud of all these fish, though. He has some harpoons on plaques right above his TV! He should be proud of those! Sharp, stabby-stabby things! Hoorah! …Boy I feel light-headed.

Fred pulls out a futon for me and tells me to lie down. He gets out plenty of bandages and then comes over and tells me that I need to take off my pants. I'm like, _"I don't _think _so." _So he sighs and tells me to roll up my pant leg. I don't know why my leg is bleeding, since I got hit in the head, anyway… Oh yeah. I scraped my knees. But I mean, geez? Are the darn things falling off? Why are they bleeding so much? And what kind of PG story has this much blood? Man…

So I roll up my pants leg. Why Fred works on my leg, I look at his _hair. _It's dark-colored and pointy. It looks like a wig. :-D I bet it is! So I tug on it.

"OW!" Fred grabs his head. "Don't do that!"

"I'll do what I want, Fred!"

Fred stands up. "My name is _Mako Tsunami,_" he says proudly. "I am _not _Fred. Do not call me Fred."

"…What kind of a last name is _Tsunami_, Fred?"

Fred sweat drops. "A dumb dub name," he confesses.

I am _so _glad my host didn't get a dub name. Seeing as how much of a girl he is, they'd probably give him some kind of softy Toontown name, like Ginger Gigglefidget Cream Puff Daddy. … Yeah. Something like that. I'll just let that joke sink in for awhile…

Cream Puff Daddy. Snort. –I did _not _just narrate my snort, I swear! -.- Why did I only bring a pen wth me outt hear?

"So…" Fred looks at me with some concern. "Let me just finish putting these bandages on you, and then I'll get you some food and drink, ok?"

"Sure," I say. I add, silently, that of course I deserved food since this guy is really my kidnapper!

"I didn't kidnap you!"

Ok, so maybe I added it not-so-silently.

"Look, just stay still. Then I'll feed you."

"…What kind of food?" I ask. Fred runs one hand through his dark, clown-style hair. And he _kneels _there, thinking about what he's going to feed me _after _he fixes me up—meanwhile, don't mind me I'm just bleeding to death while sitting on your white carpet. SOMETHING SMELLS FISHY HERE BESIDES _YOU—_and all of the fish.

"…This carpet is quite nice" I say in an attempt to intercede this fishbrain's mindless thoughts. It works; I see a flicker of, y'know, rational thinking stuff in his eyes. "Shame what I'm about to do to it."

The flicker grows into a flame. "What do you mean?" Fred inquires, perturbed. I point to my knees. A droplet of red liquid is rolling off to the side of the small pool of blood resting on my right knee. It oozes ever so slowly and ever so dramatically downward…

"Noooooo!"

O.O I have _never _seen someone grab a paper towel so fast. That droplet never stood a chance!

"Must—save—carpet—" Then why did he set me down here? Mako dredges multitudes of paper towels in what I call my knee-puddles. (Hey, it's not a funnier word than knickerbockers.)

"Make sure he uses some anti-septic," Ryou reminds me. I didn't know my host didn't like Jews. "I said anti-_septic!_" Ryou exclaims exasperatedly. Oh.

"Make sure to use anti-septic," I repeat. Fred nods. I lean back.

"Lean back," Ryou thinks, "lean back, lean back, lean back."

Gaspeth! Is Ryou reciting da Rap? In my _mind? _That's awful. MAKE IT STOP!

"I stopped quite some time ago," Ryou says to me.

Oh.

"Mako's staring at you. You were speaking out loud."

"I'm speaking out loud?"

"Uh, yeah you are," Fred claims, sounding a bit embarrassed.

Oh again.

…Why am I an embarrassment! Fred looks at me oddly.

"So… uhm… what kind of food?" I ask again.

Fred/Mako looks at me. "How 'bout fish?" he suggests lightly, as if maybe all of the fish is going to be too much for me.

"Sure."

"Who's 'Ryou' and what's wrong with him?"

"Wha?"

Mako stands up. "You said something about Ryou reciting some rap music. Who is he?"

"Oh… he's…" I think fast. "He's my ex-wife."

"What?" Mako looks at me _very _oddly.

"WHAT!" Ryou screams.

"Just kidding," I correct suavely, "he's actually my brother."

"Um…"

Thinking fast again, I add, "I sometimes get those words confused."


	13. Stop saying that this chapter is unlucky

A quick reviewer's response I was just dying to put in here!

ReaperRain: Jim Bob is very happy that you love him. - However, he is currently not accepting any applications for dating because he has decided that love is just a one-way street to pain. Jim Bob is very deep for a notebook.

Also, R.I.P. Suicide-n-Murder.

And thanks to the others who reviewed! I love you all. …Seriously, I'm outside of your window right now…

**And now, in the famed words of Bakura…**

You know how in video games, you open a door, and because you have to be really quiet so you can hide from zombies/ghosts/bad voice acting, the door opens REALLY loudly, creaking open and then slamming shut?

Of course you don't, loser. You're a _notebook. _Your purpose in life is solely to listen to the grandiose thoughts of that wonderful tiger that is ME! Anyhoo… you know that type of annoying, user-UNfriendly door?

Mako has _two _doors of that type.

"Hey!" Mr. Clown-hair runs after me as I hobble down the stairwell. "What are you doing?"

"Um… I'm going to avenge the death of my father!" is all I can think of. Stupid _Princess Bride _references. No matter that it's a good movie. …I don't remember my dad… Huh.

Mako pauses. "Oh, well that seems cool. See ya!" He waves after me as I trip and tumble face first down three flights of cement stairs. _Owch. _

Ok, so… yeah. Pain sucks almost as much a Hoover. …I don't really get that expression. Why would Hoover suck? Doesn't he run the American FBI? At least my teeth aren't broken… I don't want to be a buck-toothed hillbilly… I guess that statement isn't really nice to hillbillies… But I don't really care about being nice! Mwaha! Mwaha! Mwahahahhahahahahhahahahaha! …Where was I?

Oh yeah… so I escaped from Mako's apartment. Really, it had to be done. For one, his apartment was frigid as Antarctica. Probably to preserve all those fish in his cooler. It must not be cold enough in there, or something. Also, there's something wrong about another man pressing tissues against my knee. Don't ask me why; there just is.

PLUS! His hair is almost as silly as Yugi's. If you died it different colors, like an Easter egg, he could give Yugi's ridiculous crown of hair a run for its money. And _that, _Jim Bob, will probably be the weirdest thing I'll ever write about.

Although… since that image in my mind is so weird, and it may be the weirdest thing I ever write about, that means there's no more weirdness in my life! So why even bother keeping you anymore, Jim Bob? I might as well throw you out. …I'm hurting you because I love you, I swear.

"You love the notebook," my host states incredulously in my head. Yeah, you're just totally in awe of the awesome bond my notebook and I have, arent'cha, Ryou?

"…You mean you and the notebook are like… _friends_?" If Ryou was in charge of the body right now, he would be _smirking_. Corporeally. When Ryou smirks, it's not pretty. Well, it's pretty cool, but it's just pathetic next to _my _superb and sinister smirk. Anyhoo, since nothing weirder than Mako's easter egg colored hair vs. Yugi's spiked bird nest is gonna happen, I guess this is goodbye, Jim Bob.

"…STOP GIVING ME WET WILLIES!"

…I hear a voice down the street. Anyway, it's not weird enough.

"I MEAN IT! LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU GIANT CUCUMBER!"

…I'm listening…

"PUT DOWN THE SPORK!"

…Well, okay, the whole spork thing is a little cliché now… everybody digs sporks. It's not cool anymore.

"I SAID, PUT DOWN THE _SPROK, _YOU DANG PANDA!"

…A sprok, eh? Who the heck is that yelling, anyway?

"I'M NOT A STUPID OC!"

…Someone who's not a stupid OC? …Ok, maybe that is weirder. An original character that's _not _stupid? Impossible. Unheard of. Untrue. It's probably a Mary-Sue.

I rush over to the source of the shouting. Indeed, there is a teenaged boy there. No wait… that's a girl. With…

Blonde hair and ice blue eyes.

…Ok, looks like we're not going to find an 'un-stupid' OC here, Jim Bob. Just another Mary-Sue. But there _is _a panda. And a giant cucumber. And a sprok.

I love sproks. I should tell you why I love them so…

I forgot what I was writing about. I'm too lazy to look back; like I said, you're a pocket notebook, so my writing's pretty tiny… and I don't want to squint. It's really dark out, too. After all, I did sneak out of Mako's at midnight. I'm hoping, since it's the witching hour, that something cool will happen. …But it's already 12:11 and so far, nothing. I guess I'll just proceed with my plan, which _iiiiiiiiiis… _to go and find Les Fieres! Sure, it's 12:11 in the morning, but I'm sure they'll be open soon. Besides, then I can proceed with my plan to make Ryou a—

"To make me a what?"

…Nothing.

"No, no, go on," Ryou insists. I must have been talking out loud again, because the androgynous blonde and her cucumber pal are staring at me. (At least, I _think _the cucumber is staring at me.) The panda's eating the sprok though. How dare he eat the sprok!

"…It's nothing, Ryou," I say aloud. Anyway… to the bus!

(insert spinning background and cue the background theme music)

Doo doo de la la loo! BATMAN!

(exit the spinning background)

It's mucho laterish, Jim Bob, and I am now at… _the bus stop! _And would you believe the bus runs this late? Wow…

"Where are you going?" Ryou keeps pestering me. It'll be a good thing when what's going to happen to him, happens to him. "What's going to happen to me?"

I can't wait. "Can't wait for what?" It's gonna be cool. "What's going to be cool? Tell me!"

…The bus is coming! Yaaaay.


	14. A Solilililililoquy, Of Maps and PlayDoh

:) Yay! Five reviews for the last chapter! Thanks y'all! When I started this chapter, it was only November, but the Christmas spirit was already here, probably because it was so much colder here than it usually is. Anyhoo, who the heck wants to listen to me? You're all here for…

_Bakura, Bakura,_

_With his awful theme song!_

_Bakura, Bakura,_

_It's only this long!_

_Thaaaaank gosh._

…Yeah, I seriously just did that. I hope this chapter is great, Bakura-centric, has a cameo from a character from a different anime, and may even make you LAUGH! How hard remains to be seen! **ON WITH THE FIC!**

_Sour Schuyler presents… a soliloquy, by Bakura, on the subject of buses and other things._

The time is 1:11. I've been on this forsaken bush for an hour, and—

Ryou just pointed out that I just wrote 'bush' instead of 'bus.' Oh, so I did. Heh, riding on a plant. That would be funny. Maybe it would be one of those large hedges cut to look like a giant animal! I could've been riding in a leafy giraffe, or a platypus! …Do they make hedges shaped like platypuses? …They shouldn't.

Anyhoo, so it's 1:12, which means I've been on the bus about an hour. I think the bus driver is new, because he keeps frantically pulling out this gigantic map and glancing at it instead of paying attention of the road. This map is just about the size of… oh, say, Rhode Island. It's seriously about that size. When he folds it back up, (taking both hands off the wheel to do so,) there are so many folds that, if the folds were pages, it could be a copy of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I had no idea Domino City was that big.

-

It's now around 1:32. I've kind of been staring outside the windows for the past twenty minutes… it's a really dark blue out. The window's are in poor condition, I guess; I can't really see the neon lights. Or maybe we're in Mimetown, or Gothtown, or one of those –towns were there's very little color and everything is dark and I could be out there stealing from people by the dozens and nobody would ever know… he he he…

Now it's 1:33, and… crud! This crazy guy just swerved! He's got that stupid map out, too. Did I write about how big it is? The letter _M _in the phrase _Main Street _is as big as the old man's head. Great gods…

So… what else can I talk about? Hmmmmmmmmmmm…..

-

Hmmmmmm…. It's 2:33. I've been thinking of things to think about. And I've actually come with some… for one: why is it called a _bus_? Ryou said he thinks it's because it busses people around, but to buss somebody means to kiss someone, and I'm pretty sure that I'm not traveling on a giant set of lips. And don't you bus a table? What's with that? And why isn't the plural of bus in German 'Busen'? Adding –en at the end of a word in German makes it plural… so what's up with busen? Is it just that way so German women can have fun slap unknowingly inappropriate tourists?

There's this kid sleeping on the bus, sitting across from me… some guy with _glasses. _Ew. Glasses could carry nose-germs!

Why do people sleep on buses? The seats are so incomfortable… or discomfortable… or whatever the opposite of comfortable is… Things like that aren't important. Duel Monsters cards are important, not good grammer.

These buses have the seats pointing towards the middle of the bus. It's not like a school bus, where you can lean against the seat in front of you and snooze. I guess on school buses people sleep because they have to get up so darn early. That makes sense… actually, why would kids get up and drive to school, when they could get into so many awesome car accidents because they're sleepy, when they could just ride the bus and sleep for an extra half hour or however long it takes for their bus to get to school? I guess they could sleep in later if they drove to school… but then they'd be sleepy when they drove to school. They could get into a car accident. Worse yet, they could get into a car accident and I wouldn't be there to see! The fact that that somebody's probably in a car accident right now and I'm not there to see it depressing… in fact, is cusks. …I meant to right _it sucks._ Darn Ryou for only having a pen in his pocket.

You know, when I write things "in italics," I just turn my notebook at an angle so the word will be at an angle, but when Ryou writes "in italics," he writes in this girly, curlicue cursive. HIS HANDWRITING IS GIRLY.

…His handwriting's just fine, he says. What a girl. HE HAS NO SHAME.

-

It's 2:45. And the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round… round and round… round and round and hey… wait a minute, I can't see the wheels on the bus. I'm inside of it. Eh. How does the rest of that song, go?

(Ooh, I think an author's note goes here:P I had to go and _look up the lyrics _on the Internet because I forgot them. Pity the loss of my childhood memories!)

…I asked Ryou, and he said something about swipers… I think he's thinking about Dora the Explorer… It's kind of gangster, how they say her name, isn't it? Dora the Explora'. As if Joey was saying it, or something. Just to make it rhyme. …Ohhhh, WIPERS. Ok. The wipers goes swish swish swish… swish swish… wait, it's not raining.

…JUST as I wrote that, Jim Bob, it started pouring! O.O I am MAGICAL!

So, Ryou says that after the wipers go swish, the horn goes beep. …Hm…

"HEY, BUS DRIVER!" I shout down the aisle toward the harried man. Harried is a cool word, isn't it?

"WHAT?"

"LOOK OUTSIDE!"

He puts down the ENORMOUS map (did I mention the map yet?) and sees the car in front of us! And there's a bumper sticker… and it says… "Honk if you love Global Positioning Systems!" ……Okay then…

And the bus driver honks the horn sooo loudly, that the boy across from me starts and his glasses fall to the ground. Ewww. Glasses. The glasses go clink clink clink, on the ground… in lieu of money, which was next in the song.

Skipping the part about the driver saying "move on back," we can go right to the part where this boy cries! Hooray! I shall enjoy this.

…He's not crying. He doesn't care about his glasses. …They aren't broken. NOTHING EXCITING IS HAPPENING ON THIS BUS!

The Bakura on the bus says sh—

"Stop," says Ryou. - -# Ryou's no fun. I'm sick of this song now.

-

…….

…

…The _wheels _on the _bus _go _round _and _round…_

It's 2:55 and I _still _can't get that song out of my head. Although I guess 10 minutes isn't very long. …Although I bet that would be too long for Homer Simpson to wait for a donut.

Wait a minute, when did I watch the Simpsons? …_Did _I watch the Simpsons? Ryou says that I didn't, but I know about Homer from him. So he's watched the Simpsons.

…No, _Duke _watched the Simpsons and then explained it to Ryou, who heard about it from Yugi, because Tea was talking about it one day in school, and she heard about it from Mokuba, who was in America and saw a commercial for it and noticed that everyone had yellow skin. Well, now that _that's _cleared up…

Why does Homer say "D'oh"? Is he advertising PlayDoh? …

…Omigosh…

Jim Bob…

IMAGINE YUGI'S HAIR MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF PLAYDOH!

It would slide off of his head, and then we could recycle it into PlayDoh spaghetti! …Why is it spelled Play-DOH, anyway? Is it a law that small children cannot know how to spell the word DOUGH? It's like a drive-THRU. It's a government conspiracy, I tell you. They're trying to make the people more dumb…er.

…If Yugi's hair fell off, how would he keep his image? O.o Leather pants are NOT enough to make it seem… eh… Yugi-ish. I guess he could make PlayDoh hair. Bald people with PlayDoh hair… practicing karate at a PlayDoh Dohjo… I want to play with PlayDoh now.

…You know what? I want to poke the guy across from me. Stupid idiot… doesn't even cry when he drops his glasses… what kind of a sissy is he?!

So I lean as far as I can across the aisle, and only _just _manage to poke his knee.

He looks up at me and blinks. "Can I help you?" he asks.

…Crap. I didn't think of anything to say. I point dramatically at him and freeze. He raises his eyebrow.

"Yes…?"

"WHO ARE YOU!?!?"

He does that anime-faint thing. Or maybe he just faked it. Making it an anime-feint.

"I am… moving to another part of the bus."

"…That stinks," I say.

"Are you really that desperate for conversation?" Ryou and this guy both say at the SAME TIME. Pretty creepy.

"…No, not really. Actually, I don't care. Get away from me." I lean back and cross my arms, and put on my "mug of indifference." That's a face, not a coffee mug, Jim Bob, so you don't have to be scared. I know you're afraid of coffee stains…

"What are you writing?" this kid asks. So I tells 'im:

"I'm writing something about how I, the Darkness, will gain the seven Millennium Items and defeat the Pharaoh!"

Hey, he's not looking at me as if I'm crazy! He looks… mad.

"What are these Millennium Items!? Are you going to steal them from a museum? …Are you Dark?"

"…It's kind of rude to comment on my skin color, but no, as you can see, I'm quite pale."

"Don't play dumb with me!"

"…Whatever." I think I'm going to ignore this guy…

-

It's 3:00! …And that guy is glaring at me… In my mind, I can hear Ryou yawning. If he were propererly (that means more properly!) awake, then he would probably be glaring at me too. He doesn't like getting up early, either… but the earlier you are, the easier it is to steal from people.

Why is that guy glaring at me? Who is 'Dark'? I'm the dark_ness_… He must be crazy. I thought only old people were crazy… which could explain why I'm crazy... Just a tad, though. I'm somewhere in-between 3,000 and 5,000 years old, depending on whether you're listening to 4Kids or you happen to know that Pharaohs didn't rule 5,000 years ago. 4Kids is dumb.

Anyway… yeah, old people are crazy. Which is why they shouldn't be allowed on buses. Yugi's grandpa, for example, shouldn't drive a bus. …Or, for that matter, drive one. Or drive anything. I saw that man drive a go-cart once… it was scary… this little girl's pigtails were ruined, and her go-cart sustained substantial damage…

He doesn't seem to care though. He has no guilt. And he's shifty! And he looks around with his beady… okay, so no Motou has beady eyes… but he looks around with his eyes like a sneak, and then sometimes I swear he clamps his teeth together in a pattern, trying to communicate with the squirrels. Maybe he's making an alliance with the squirrels? Hopefully not a malevolent one, like the one the cows have with animals that make similar dairy products… the camels are in on it… the CAMELS are in on it!

Hey, that guy IS moving to another seat… Jerk. Just because I'm gesturing wildly with one hand, and writing furiously with the other, DOESN'T mean I was necessarily bothering him!

…Oh, he's trying to help the loser bus driver with that ridiculous map. The one that's so ENORMOUS. The lowercase letters on it are the size of my hand—no, _Yugi's _hand. …Yes, Yugi has large hands… all the better to tackle you with, my dear. …Wait… what?

Hm… Jim Bob, if I'm writing too hard on your surface or something, tell me. I know I usually do… hurting you… abusing you… You're so unlucky. :( No matter WHAT Neko-Kikiru says. How did I get on the subject of writing hard? …I guess because Yugi has big hands… or… something.

…Why did the bus just stop?

-

…It is 3:30. That kid and the bus driver are trying to figure out the gigantic map, and they've stopped the bus to do it. I guess because I'm the only other passenger, they figure it doesn't matter. This has to be the most ghetto bus ever.

-

…It's 4:00. I'm getting off this bus. Let somebody else think about buses or busen or whatever for awhile. I walk down the aisle… (no, I'm not getting married!) and push that kid into the bus driver.

"Let me off!" I yell. The bus driver looks at me with large eyes, and opens the door. I hop off and find myself in…

_Sooo… the anime character cameo was Satoshi Hiwatari from DNAngel… I just kind of randomly put him in there… _

_Gimme at least 6 reviews or Bakura will NEVER get his chibifier! That's a promise!_


	15. Trip Down Memory Ln Blocked by Mothballs

_When we last left off, Bakura had just shoved Satoshi Hiwatari into a smelly bus driver and hopped off of the bus to find himself in the section of Domino known as…_

…What's this? What's this? …Christmas town…? Hm…

Ok, now that I have the urge to imitate Jack, the Pumpkin King, out of my system, I guess I should figure out where the hell I am. Oh, wait! There's a conveniently located sign right in front of me. It says I'm in…

….Why does Domino City have a section of it called Mothballtown? I wasn't aware that mothballs are considered an ethnicity whose culture is rich enough to constitute the mayor of Domino City designating a whole section of the town so that everyone can go and experience the mothball culture. …Eesh. The sky looks like the bottom of somebody's bed, if that's possible. Everything here is so dusty. There are folded piles of old out-of-fashion clothes neatly littering the streets! Giant white things are blocking the roads! Yep, I'm either in Mothballtown, or a _lot _of people having decided to go streaking at the same time.

In which case, I would like to leave…

I don't remember what time it is. There was a digital clock near the bus driver… but he was on the bus. And the wheels on the bus go round and—dang it! That same song again.

Anyhoo, so I'm leaving Mothballtown—Mothballtown, geez, how ludicrous—

"I'm talking Champagne wishes, caviar dreams/You deserve nothing but all the finer things/Now this whole world has no clue to do with us/I've got enough money in the bank for the two of us."

…What?

"It's from a song, oh darkness of mine," Ryou informs me in a fruity sounding voice. "Hey!"

Geez, I say one word and Ryou starts "singing" rap in my head. I really have no idea what he's talking about most of the time. Oh, but I do deserve finer things. Anyhoo… what was I—? Oh yeha. I mean yeah. Stupid pen.

Mothballtown happens to be right next to where most of Battle City took place. Funny, I don't remember being able to see this place from the hospital window. This section for people of mothball origin must be new. Why did they put Mothballtown next to Battle City, which is one of the city's biggest attraction for dueling tourists? Yes, Battle City. What a glorious—oh, wait, no it wasn't. It sucked. That's when I met Marik, and he, being a spoiled brat, offered me a shiny prize if I won him some cardboard with little shapes and writing on it. At first I was a little wary of the idea. I mean, me winning him some cards? Even if they were called God cards? What was I? His boyfriend? Ew. "Get me those God cards, 'Kura!" Like a girl who tries to get her boyfriend to win a stuffed animal at the carnival. Gods what a scary image.

The other thing that sucked about Battle City was my stay in the hospital. Now, Jim Bob, of course it was fun getting _in _to the hospital; hurting "my" body was fun, although I shouldn't say that because my diary is rated K+. And then my lesser half leaned on Malik like the weak little boy he was/is, and Malik dragged him roughly down the street, until Tea and Joey came into view. Then he was gentle and pretended to be concerned and friendly. Anyhoo, I could swear that when Tea met Malik, she was _very _interested in "Namu…" Bleh. But, soon after getting in to the hospital, I couldn't wait to get out. My stay at the hospital was less than enjoyable. One reason: Mr. Mutou.

_I _never ASKED for him to stay with me in the hospital, and he loomed over me the ENTIRE time. Staring at my sleeping form with those large Mutou eyes, poking me to ask me if I was awake or if I wanted something to drink, and, when he thought I was sleeping, he would _change the channel _on the TV in my hospital room! How DARE he!

Hm… I wonder if that girl… Colton's sister… ever has people changing the channel when she's watching something too… How awful for her! …I wonder where that girl lives… did I already look that up? Eh, I don't remember, so I guess not.

So, Jim Bob, I am leaving Mothballtown. There's the hospital I spent some time in, with that wicked weird old man… I should get rid of him… I'm still kind of in shock over how he treated me at Yugi's birthday party. That was bizarre. What would be a funny way to torture that man? Hm…

I could knock him out and put him in a dress. …But then I would have to touch his clothes. Ewwww. You ever notice how he wears the same clothes everyday? Kind of like Yugi changes his outfit once per tournament. Disgusting!

Then again, it's not like the tournaments last a long time… Duelist Kingdom lasted something like two days… same for Battle City. Actually they're rather short, so I guess it's okay for him to… NO! He wears the same school uniform EVERY DAY! I will not allow this to happen! _Yugi Motoh must have new clothes. _…How many different ways have I spelled his last name? I'm not sure…

"Let's not talk about how badly Yugi needs new clothes," Ryou snaps. And then: "Weren't you going somewhere?" Ryou asks annoyingly.

"No," I snap back.

"But you said you _were _going somewhere! And why did we have to take the bus if we're just meandering?"

Meandering… stupid big words.

"I learned the word 'meandering' when I was in elementary school, actually."

…

"You were talking out loud again," Ryou said explaini…torily. "Explainitorily isn't a word."

"Oh… dang. I really ought to stop that."

So… I guess I was headed towards… the place I was headed.

"Dang it, why won't you tell me where we're going?" Ryou snaps.

"It wouldn't be any fun that way," I say out loud. People walking by think I'm crazy, yes CRAZY, for talking to the air. …Or they would if there were any people around. There's only one person around—a girl with long hair, putting up posters saying that somebody is missing. Somebody named 'Cologne'. Hm. Poor person. Must've had bad parents.

…Hey, that looks like the little old lady whose back I rode on to get away from Yami several pages of my diary ago. Didn't I send her to the Shadow Realm? I guess some people actually miss her.

…

…

…

…

…Oh well. It's no skin off my nose. Whatever that means. …That sounds weird. 'Skin off my nose.' Gross.

Now I remember where I'm going!

"Where?"

I'm not telling Ryou, though.

"Hey! This is _my _body! You can't just—"

That's it; Ryou's about to get it. Just watch what I'm about to do, Jim Bob!

"…What are you going to do? Does it involve Doritos?"

"Yes, it's horrib—NO, it does not involve Doritos! I'm going to shut you up!"

It's fun to threaten Ryou, Jim Bob. And really fun when I get to do horrible things to him! Guess what I did!

_Suckiest cliffhanger ever, right? It's stupid. Well… it's a short chapter, but I've got a little writer's block and I'm going to be in New York and New Jersey over the next few days. I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, D.N.Angel, or "Glamorous" by Fergie, featuring Ludicris, the part of which was partially sung by Ryou in the chapter. Oh wow, how funny would it be to hear Ryou rapping to this song on the show? I also don't own Doritos, which can apparently be used in awful things. I DO own Mothballtown, not that I'm very proud of it. O.O So, uh… I want lots of reviews when I come home! Hop to it? Please? Or else you may never find out just how gruesomely Bakura is about to treat Ryou! On that note, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!_


	16. Enter the french subtitles

_So… 3 reviews isn't so bad for Christmas break. :) Thanks to you 3! You know who you are. Anywaaaaay… I'm here to nag again about my story "Playing House". Maybe it's the summary that sucks? It was a really, really fun story to write. It's a crossover between Yu-Gi-Oh, Inuyasha, and Full Metal Alchemist mostly, with side characters from all over the place, from Sonic to obscure things like 12 Oz Mouse. Anyyyyyyyhoo, my penpal and I work really hard on it, and I would REALLY love it if it got a couple of reviews a bit faster than the rate it's been getting them at. So I'm not going to update this again until that's got a couple of reviews as well, okay? Remember that now. _

_Sooooo… I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. I also don't own Nine Inch Nails, NWA, H.I.M. or their songs, the song "Guilty Conscience," Carl or anybody from Aqua Teen Hunger force, Jean Girard (who's got a cameo in this chap), "No One Else" by Weezer (I'm not even sure why that is in here), Monty Python references, OR the fanfiction I mention in the author's note you're probably going to skip over when you come to it. I own the other stuff, I suppose. _

_Thanks to my friend Ashley for looking this over a bit during lunch!_

I banished Ryou to his soul room. Now he should shut up. …Don't look at me like that, Jim Bob. …Yes, you _can _look at me, because I pasted googley eyes on your front. I also drew a mole on your back cover with sharpie, like I promised to a few chapters—er, awhile ago. You're more "personable" now.

So… where am I now? I kind of lost my train of though… uhhhhhh…

…

…

Uhhhhh…… Hey, a bead! I'm picking it up, Jim Bob, and I'm putting it in the spiral part of you that makes you a "spiral notebook"! My hand is underneath the bottom, so it won't fall out.

…Where was I?

…

…

Uhh……

Oh! Frenchtown. …I'm in it now! That was easy. I guess the author wants to the plot to move forward some more—I mean, uh, uh… there is no author! THERE IS NO SPOON! MY LIFE IS NOT DICTATED BY ANYBODY!

Anyhoo, so now I have to find the headquarters of the company that sells the Chibifier 5000 that I saw in Psycho Monthly magazine. Do I capitalize the 'm' in magazine? …I doubt anyone cares… It's not as if people are reading this, anyway… only you, Jim Bob, know of what is written here. And Ryou, for bits of it. Anyway, no to find the Chibifier 5000.

"The what?!" is what he would say if he were here.

"Nothing…" I would say. Heh, I think I would scare him. Yes, I'm scary! Scary like a song by Nine Inch Nails. Although Ryou might say I'm more scary like NWA… But then I would tell him to shut up, and then he would start talking about ponies or something, and I would have to send him to the Shadow Realm and I'd be right back at where I started in this entry.

The building, as it turns out, looks a lot like the building in that episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force when Carl is turned into a girl. …Not that it's made of the same material, but that it's a rainbow-y color. …Oh wait, that's not it… thank goodness. I didn't want to go in there if it was that building. Ryou's been afraid to even buy a medium soda ever since seeing that episode.

Les Fieres, as it turns out, has its headquarters in a very square-shaped, seven-story high building that seems to squat low to the ground despite its height. And it's made of concrete-looking-ish material. I am good at describing things. Ph33r meh!

…And as I see the giant redwood door, (at least, I think its redwood… because it's red, and it's made of wood,) "No One Else" by Weezer gets stuck in my head. Why?! I heard that song _once _on the radio, and… that was in the _90s_! Ryou was like… how old? Gah… This is weird. I hate it when this happens. I'll have to think of another song to get this one out of my head, but then _that _one will get stuck in my head! Sheez…

Anyway! The door is big. And it's also locked. …But I shall get past it! Expertly!

_Borin' ol' 3rd person point o' view_

Bakura, the crafty thief, attempted to expertly pick the lock with a hairpin Ryou had in his pocket for a reason that will remain undisclosed. Then, failing, he tried to open the door not-so-expertly. This didn't work either. The tomb thief rattled the doorknob viciously, growling and cussing. (Shield your ears! 0o0) Jim Bob was tucked under his arm. Bakura tossed his diary—NOTEBOOK! I meant notebook, NOT a diary—on the ground. It hit the ground with a flopping sound. (That rhymes.) The small bead mentioned previously flew out of the spiral part of the spiral notebook and, defying natural physics, lodged itself into the lock. There was a soft click as Bakura opened the door.

The tomb thief blinked in surprise. "…I am so good, Jim Bob," he boasted, bending over to retrieve his di—er, journal…

_And we delve back into the intimate thoughts of Bakura!_

I am one bad mofo, Jimmy B. I opened up the door. I op-ened up the do-or! Op-ened up the do-or! Hoo! Haa…! …Er, anyway. Inside the door, there is a large, dark hall. It is vast, and it is very black. It is big and it is also quite difficult to see in. It is—ok, I'll stop now. A/N: This is in homage to "College Days" by Sonic19902, which I'm pretty sure has been taken down now. It kicked BUTT. This is too petty for it.

Although it is gigantic in here and there is very little light, I can hear… the voices!

I remember something Ryou said once…

"The voices, the voices/I hear them, and when they talk I'll follow/I'll follow, I'll follow them," he sang. If you don't believe me, it was in the first entry I ever made in you, Jim Bob… sadistically pressing my pen against your paper-y flesh… writing all over you and graffiti-ing your paper limbs… Muahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!

…But I still _love _you. :)

…

…

Yeah, Ryou's not around so I can say that.

Anyway, as much as I hate to admit that _da RAP! _has taught me something… I _do _hear "the voices" and "when I do" I _do _"follow." These are weird voices, though. They sound… warped in a twisted way I cannot even begin to describe. Meaning…

They sound French.

I follow the voices to the opposite wall, where I find a big door made out of… wood! I stub my toes. Oh noes. …Hey, another rhyme, Jim Bob! Or should I say… _un autre…_

_3rd person once again! Sorry._

Bakura hides behind the crimson door/while the summer is killed by the fall/alive behind the crimson door/while the winter sings:

Er… What? It's a good song. And H.I.M. is a good artist. Shut up.

So, Bakura hid behind the particularly reddish door, which he opened just a little bit, listening to the goings-on in the room next to him. There was a long table, made of nice wood, and there were a group of (presumably) executives sitting around it… speaking _in French. _Since Bakura does not know French, I've decided to take over and loosely translate for him. But remember, Bakura doesn't know any French… except for _fromage. _And, apparently, _un autre._

"Nous avons vendu beaucoup de Chibifiers," said one dude. "Je ne sais pas comment." We've sold a crapload Chibifiers. I dunno how.

"Taisez-vous! Vous ne pouvez pas parler maintenant," said another. Shut up! You can't talk now.

"Pourquoi?" Says who?

"Je l'ai dit!" Me!

"Tu es le merde d'un singe stupid." You're retarded monkey's poop.

"TAISEZ-VOUS!" The dude who was most obviously the leader stood up. He was wearing the clothes of a racecar driver and sitting particularly close to the man next to him. "Vous etes ensemble les merdes des singes stupids. Et toi, la, je pense que vous resemblez un castor, alors vous pouvez etre le merde d'un castor." You're both monkey doo. And you, over there, I think you resemble a beaver, so you can be beaver doo.

"Merci." Thank'ee.

"Maintenant… qu'est-ce que c'est la raison que nous avons un rendez-vous?" asked Jean. So… why are we here?

The man who reminded the leader of a beaver spoke up. "Euh… Nous avons fait la publicite pour le Chibifer… mais Psycho Monthly ne fait pas les livraisons. Alors, on ne sait pas _comment _en acheter un." Well… Psycho Monthly, whom we advertise with, doesn't make deliveries. So people don't know how to buy them.

"Ca ne me plait pas," Jean replied. That sucks.

"Ouais." Yeah.

_1st person! BACK TO BAKURA BABY!_

…This sucks. I don't know what the heck they're saying. So I'll just bust in.

:Later:

Hey, Jim Bob! I'm back. I took a break from writing in you so that I could get my Chibifier. This is what happened!

I walked in. "Give me a Chibifier!" I yelled. The whole group of uglies stared at me. Heh. Uglies. Heh. If only they kn-knew I'd wr-written that about them, oh man how mad they would be…!

Anyway, so that's what I said… AND!

"What the heck are you doing here?" said the leader dude. Except he sounded like a… nail clipper. …No, not a nail clipper. A… dude like that! You know what I mean! (Why did I say nail clipper? O.o;;)

"I, uh…" I took out the $59.99 I'd swindled (awesome word) from Rex. "I wanna buy a Chibifier 5000."

"Yeah? So why are you here?" demanded a man who I thought looked like a beaver.

"I uhnno…" I admit I sounded like a two-year-old.

"Oh. …You want one?" this tall guy wearing a racecar driver's outfit said.

"…That's what I just said," I told him, sweat dropping. This room, like the other one, was also large and dark, so I wasn't sure, but… I think he was holding another guy's _hand… _but that's impossible. Race car drivers are all manly.

"Ok. That'll be $59.99 plus shipping and handling."

"But if I'm picking it up here, then it's not being shipped anywhere. So it's only $59.99."

"There's handling."

Oh, they thought they had me fooled…

"But if I pick it up myself, then you don't have to handle it." I am so smart. _I. Am. God. _…Hah, and Ryou's not here to tell me how bigoted I am.

"…Fine." The beaver-guy chucked one at me. "SECURITY!"

A d00d that looked like… oh my Rah… o.O It didn't just look like, it _was_ Yugi's grandpa, in a security guard uniform… well, I ran. I ran away like a MAN! Like brave, brave Sir Robin! And, uh, that's what happened.

…This is going to be kept between us, 'kay?

…Now I can chibify Ryou! …But to do that, I'm actually going to have to bring him back from the Shadow Realm. Or… I could just leave him there…

:) I think I'm going to be liking life a lot more now.

_Ok… well that turned out to be a real suckfest of a chapter. So what will Bakura do without Ryou? Who will he chibify? How's he gonna find Colton's sister? I dunno… maybe if you review I could be coerced into revealing this information. Oh, and somebody PLEASE look at Playing House. Please? Come on._


	17. Confusing chapter! Pizza and Cool Gifts!

I said if someone reviewed "Playing House," I'd update. So here it is.

The Pharaoh's Corrupting Our Schools.

Chapter 17.

Thwarted Deliveries and A Cool Gift.

…I am soooooooooooooooooo bored.

Jim Bob, life without Ryou is no fun. Without someone to chibify, my Chibifier has no purpose. I mean, I've chibified several chipmunks and a few wayward squirrels that seemed too wily for their own good, but no people yet. …Except the mailman. …And who the heck cares about him? Even _I _didn't get much pleasure out of chibifying him, that's how insignificant he is.

So I've been living off of TV dinners and, when I could get Marik to pick some up, Chick-Fil-A. That's good chicken right there. I love how they have one in Domino City. Mmm…

But seriously, right now I'm in my boxers, slouching on the couch, old French fries settling in between the cushions. Doesn't matter, though; Ryou's not here to yell at me for it. I can see why he doesn't like it, though; it is pretty gross.

So, I'm watching this show on TV called Shaman King. It's pretty neat. The midget reminds me of Yugi, except Yugi can tackle a football player if he wanted to, and this guy is actually probably half Yugi's height. …I mean, seriously: he's _that_ short. Who the heck is that short? Apparently, he is. His name is like… Manta… like a sting ray. Or something.

Sting ray… sting! Sting's a good singer. I dream of rain, yaday, yaday… Anyhoo. Oh, yeah, Sting was all I had to listen to besides rap music. There's, like, suddenly a hundred rap CDs in the house. Ryou must have a LOT of friends that listen to it. …I wonder if Tea lent him any? O.O;;

So yeah… and the Sting CD is actually a burned CD, and the only song on it is 'Desert Rose'. So I know the whole thing by heart know. And now it's boring. And I need Ryou to make him do things.

But I've kind of forgotten how to bring him back. He's been gone a whole week.

…Hey, what's this? Another burned CD.

:Later:

The song was Dragostea Din Tea. That was the only song on it, but that's ok. Awesome song. I wish I could make a podcast of myself dancing to that video… not that I really dance…

I SHALL CALL MALIK!

:Later:

Malik is here. :D

"What are you writing in? Is that a _diary_?"

"No, it isn't. It's a journal," I say. He wrinkles his nose anyway. I think I'll shut you and just write in you a bit later, Jim Bob. Let's hope all goes well.

:Later:

It didn't go so well.

Malik was video taping me with his cell phone. The song was playing in the background. I was doing the twist manlily (that is SO a word now; it's the adverb for manly) on the couch, when Malik laughed, I glared and fell over on and sprained my ankle. And then Malik laughed and _left_. The _cad_!

…Jerk. Or, as Wheeler would say: "Joik." He's got an accent like that. Like the authoress' mother does… I mean… there is no authoress… there is no spoon… there is no… pizza… aw _man_! What am I gonna eat? I suppose I could order out… or just eat the ice cream… but that makes me seem like a whiny girl who's boyfriend just dumped her… and besides, there is no spoon…

So I guess I'll order out pizza.

I wonder what kind of pizza they've got in Domino City?

:Later:

"Hello, Domino's Pizza. How many I help you?"

Who would've thought?

"Yes, I'd like one large pepperoni, one large sausage, and one large DOOM pizza!" I squint at the tiny little coupon. "You still have DOOM pizzas, right? 'Cause it says the offer on this coupon is limited, and…"

"Yeah, it's still valid."

"Oh good."

"Yeah."

"So, how long until it gets here?" I twirl the cord around my index finger like I've seen Ryou doing… oh wait, isn't that a girl-type activity? I stop _immediately._

…Still twirling. I mean no! I've stopped. I'm thinking about hockey and football and other such manly activit—okay, now I have the image of Yugi tackling Yami again. Man, I guess that was a life scarring event.

"It'll be there in half an hour, or your pizza's free," the guy says. I bet he has pimples.

:Later:

Dang, there's a lot of breaks in this entry, aren't there Jim Bob? Sorry, but I was watching some British television… something called _The Office. _I bet if somebody did an American adaptation of it, it would be much better, even though I… am sort of a Brit. (Since I'm inhabiting the body of one.)

- - -

_SURPRISE! Look, the author's note in this chapter is in the middle of it. And it's centered too. NO NO NO wait don't skip over this… I just wanted to say that I don't Yu-Gi-Oh, or anything, basically, and that The Office (the AMERICAN version) is hilarious. And I don't own any artists/songs I make reference to. I guess when it comes down to it… there's not a lot that I DO own. O.o; I have some chapstick, but I think it's actually my sister's… Noooooo! I'm pathetic! u.u Oh, and thanks to my speedy reviewers, and special thanks to Fruitcest, who reviewed "Playing House". Kat and I are grateful. I told y'all if someone reviewed it I'd update. :)_

_- - -_

So, J.B., that pizza guy will be here soon… which means I won't get my pizza free… unless I THWART him some way! Ha ha ha ha… Do I really have to write laughter? I suppose it's not obligatory, but the pristine memories of maniacal laughter will be the memories I will cherish in times to come. Assuming we aren't plunged into an ice age and you're needed as firewood. Then I'll burn you, and you'll burn it up for me like something out of a Justin Timberlake song, and I'll forget all about you.

…Oh, don't shiver like that, Jim Bob. ;-; See the sympathetic face I just scribble in? That's for you. I… I love you.

…We will never speak/write of this again. Comprends-tu? Bon… How come I know French now, but not in the last chapter, you wonder? Audio tapes. I've been listening to them while I sleep, or when I watch MTV (which is an activity so mind-numbing it's like being asleep anyway). Why am I learning French, you wonder? Why, you silly notebook, it's because French is the language of amour! And I'm, you know, going through that whole love thing right now with that nameless girl. This bread tastes gross; I shall cease eating it.

Anyway, how shall I elude this pizza delivering man? _Je ne sais pas. _(That means "I dunno.") I will think this over while enjoying some royal berry punch chew-flavoured Starburst. Delicious. I'm glad I found these underneath the couch cushion.

…I could always, I suppose, set booby traps outside so that the sucker can't reach the doorbell… That sounds pretty neat.

:Later:

Ok, Jim Bob, here he comes. I have to write down exactly what happens. But first, an ill-placed flashback!

…No? No flashback? Already, so I'll just describe everything.

Earlier I was trying to create some booby traps out of popsicle sticks and paper clips like I was MacGuyver or something, but then I realized that I could just use some of the stuff Malik leftover here during a slumber par—er, I mean, when he crashed at my place one time. We stayed up late talking about capes and death plots, and then we TPed Yugi's grandfather's game shop. …And Malik painted my nails a vibrant green color while I was sleeping, and dipped yadonushi's hand in… was it warm water, or cold? Anyway, you probably know what came of that, Jim Bob. Surely even simplistic paperfolk like yourself have knowledge of slumber party pranks. Oh, and a bra ended up in the fridge by morning; no idea whose it was. Kinda weird, actually.

Anyway, so I took some of Marik's deathtraps and I had just enough time to set them up before I saw the pizza delivery car roll around the corner. So I ran (screaming like a little girl just for the fun of it) inside, where I promptly slammed the door and raced to the window seat in the room adjoining the foyer (a word which comes from French)!

So now I'm perched on the wide window seat, peering from behind the crimson door—I mean curtains (why can't Ryou listen to H.I.M. instead of Eminem?) as the car parks itself directly in front of my aibou's abode. (Not that I really call Ryou my aibou, but it just makes a neat alliteration.)

And now that we're all caught up, this explanation is over, and it's time for a play-by-play.

So, the car is red and has a little fin on the top that reads "Domino's Pizza." And on the side somebody has spray-painted in white, "I am a Pepperoni Face." Ha ha. Acne problems are hilarious, for some reason.

Anyhoozlers, so this guy steps out. His nametag declares that this loser's name is—oh, wait, he's not wearing a nametag. Dang. Let's call him Ned, though, after that intriguing computer game, Nightmare Ned. Because this Ned is about to go through a Nightmare with a capital _N_… Am I being too corny, Jim Bob? Honestly, you can tell me if I am. I won't hate you.

…SHUT UP, YOU STUPID NOTEBOOK! YOU KNOW NOTHING! Oh, my Caps Lock was o—wait a darn tootin' second, I'm _writing _this! So there CAN'T be Caps Lock! Ok, so I'm just really aggressive. But you asked for it.

Ah! "Ned" has taken his first step onto the front walk, which has… not activated the land mine, because the land mine is buried under the grass. Why I thought the pizza delivery personnel would romp across the grass, I don't know, and that was a pain in the butt to bury so quickly. But that's ok; there are other traps. Oh, there are indeed other traps. _Indeed._

Like the one "Ned" has activated by stepping through the—no, darn it, he stepped OVER the invisible wire! Dang it! …But that's ok, because that's why I put TWO invisible wires there! And,—oh yes, it's already started—"Ned" has triggered the second invisible wire! Huzza.

So, then Prisilla—oh, that's right, I named him Ned—goes tumbling over his own foot, furthering triggering the trap.

A loudspeaker next to the doorbell does its best impression of Bowser laughing and then cackles gleefully in Malik's voice, "You've triggered my trap card… scratch the card part." Then it reiterates its Bowser laugh as the block of cement in front of "Ned" slides open so that he can fall into a pit of crocodiles. This wasn't tricky to set up—the crocodile pit has been set up for the weeks, it was only a matter of setting up zee two trigger wires. I had to manipulate some gears in the pit itself, which was… actually were the crocodiles even in there? I haven't seen them in awhile. Uhm… I can't remember, but—oh! There he is; climbing on out of the pit by putting one foot on two opposite walls and getting up that away. Great. (That's called sarcasm, that last sentence there. Tee-hee.)

"Ned" is shaking his first to the skies above. (Actually, shouldn't it just be the "sky" because there's only one?) "You don't own me," he says balefully, pointing now into the pit. (So I guess he was shakin' his fist in the wrong direction.) "I'm not just one of your many toys!" Oh look, Jim Bob. A reference to a song that ISN'T rap. And it had to be an oldie. Oh joy. (That's sarcasm there again, Jim Bob. Not that I really have anything against Bette Midler.)

Anyway, so "Ned" has escaped the Nightmare of the crocodiles. But now he's about to fall for another trap! The old hole-covered-up-by-a-truckload-of-leaves trick! I used a jackhammer to make a large hole in the concrete. I only made it four inches deep, but it was very fun.

He stepped in it! Yes! …But he's getting back up… geez.

Yeah, "Ned" just sprained his ankle… but dang, I think he's… CRYING! Mua hu hu hu ha hu hu hu hu hu haaa! (It's a new laugh. Get used to it.) But… what's this? He's STILL moving towards the doorbell, even as he's sobbing and stuff! Crap! The only trap is the most simplistic one. See, when he steps up to the door, a chipmunk sentry will squeak, and "Ned" will jump in surprise, knocking his head into a piñata (a pink donkey with a blue and green colors for its mane and tail) that will spill out nuts and whatever else chipmunks eat, as well as wheels attached to wires, instead of candy. Then many chipmunks will come flocking and will jump on the wheels and run on them, creating electrical energy that will flow up the wires via electrons n' junk, which will connect to this brain that will go through shock therapy and, thinking it's a celebrity because celebrity's get shock therapy sometimes, will promptly start to throw up the way only a brain can. The brain will have been on one side of a rope thrown over a bar, and on the other side is a wacky arm-gadget holding a cymbal. The brain is heavier than the arm, but once its load is lightened, the arm will descend to about neck-height with Ned and then, because it's covered in feathers (which are glittery just 'cuz it's… er, manly,) will cause Ned to sneeze. The sneeze will trigger the wacky arm's, er, triggering mechanism-doohickey, which will toss the unusually sharp cymbal at his neck while I lean over and turn on the stereo so that sounds of the band Dethklok fighting with each other will be heard while the cymbals half-decapitate "Ned" in what is likely to change the rating for this fanfic. I can't believe I managed to fit this whole explication (ooh, nice word) on _one _of your teensy pages in my teensy handwriting!

Yay! A new paragraph! Ned's stepping up to the door. And the chipmunk sentry squeaks, and… dang it! Ned jumped, but his head didn't hit the piñata because he's too short.

However, the chipmunk decides to viciously attack the piñata, and its pink donkey stomach yawns open for all of its goodies to fall out. And so the other chipmunks come and to eat and play on the wheels, just like I planned… or not… They're the fat and lazy sort; they don't want to run on the wheels because it's exercise! CRUD!

Luckily, a REALLY strong wind blows, which turns the wheels sans rodents. So the current is flowing to the brain… and it's… it's…

…refusing the shock therapy? -.- What kind of celebrity brain is that? Unless it's a… _scientologist! _Like Tom Cruise! GASPINGNESS! Scientologists refuse all forms of medical treatment, shock therapy included! Crud! But the chipmunk who tore apart the piñata leaps playfully onto the silly hand mechanism, which causes it to fall down to neck height anyway. I don't know why the chipmunk did that… Maybe that chipmunk likes glitter. In any case, I am indebted to him.

But Ned's turning the wrong way! So the feathers aren't reaching his nose. He won't sneeze! So the chipmunk sentry squeaks, calling Ned's attention to it, (that guy really likes me… the chipmunk that is,) and Ned sneezes, ANNND…

He didn't sneeze hard enough. -.-;; But the wind comes to my aid once more, triggering the deadly, sillily-decorated mechanism. I lean back and switch on the Metalocalypse sounds I stole from a web site and then quickly lean forward to see… that…

The cymbal missed! I don't believe thissssss! What could have happened???

…Is that a nickel he's holding? He leaned over to pick up petty currency and _avoided _curtain _death_? …I want that nickel! It's mine!

Jim Bob, I am rushing to the door. I need that nickel, and my pizza! I throw open the door.

"You are late!" I declare officially.

"Uhm…" The guy (I can't call him Ned anymore; that's not really his name, after all) checks his watch. "Actually, it's only been fifteen minutes."

"Oh. Dang."

"Yeah."

"…"

"…" Pepperoni Face (what? It's true!) proffers the pizza toward me. "You want this pizza or not?"

"You walked up the front walk with that in your hands?" I ask suspiciously. I don't remember ever seeing it when he was clawing his way out of the crocodile pit…

"Naw, I flew the pizza to the front door on a hover-type thing, and then I walked… sort of, up your front walk." Pepperoni Face grimaces, and his voice cracks like you'd think Yugi's would be doing all the time, but it isn't, and I can't tell whether he's being sarcastic or not. "Um, I think I hurt my ankle. Instead of giving me some sort of tip, could you just let me use your phone?"

I let out a puff of breath. "Eh… I dunno…"

"Please?" Pepperoni Face looks at me with an utterly pained expression. "Hey, what are you writing in that notebook?"

:Later:

I snapped you shut, Jim Bob, and said "Nothing!" quite tersely. Then I grabbed the pizza (which I think he was hiding up his sleeves or something, 'cause I mean, I didn't see him carrying it at _all_. You know when people say "I just pulled that idea out of my butt?" …No? Well, I hope he didn't do that). I yelled "Wait here!" Then I went and grabbed the money I needed to pay the man. Then I sent him to the Shadow Realm. I didn't even tell him about my coupon.

Problem solved. Except…

Now I'm bored again. ;-; Maybe I should have invited him in. And he gave me the wrong kind of pizza! This one has anchovies. ;-; EW! Although I guess I could just pull them off…

So now I'm just staring at the pizza, writing in you and wondering if I should go and do something crazy like buy a pet snake.

…The doorbell just rang! YES! Somebody to hang out with! MAYBE IT'S THE GIRL I'VE BEEN OBSESSING—ER, thinking about.

…It's Marik and Malik.

"You're not her," I say pointedly, even though they don't have any clue what I'm talking about. "You're not even close." Honestly, Jim Bob. They had my hopes up so high. Although that girl quite literally doesn't know I exist…

Malik nudges Marik.

"See," he says, "I told you he's been writing in that journal non-stop."

"Where'd you hear that?" asks his darker side.

"On da street."

"Da street?"

"Da street."

"_Da _street?"

"Da _street_!" Malik says proudly.

"What do you guys want?" I ask, still writing in you, Jim Bob.

:Later:

This is what they wanted.

"We heard that you were being something of a misanthrope," says Marik creepily, holding his hands in front of him and twitching his fingers like you'd think Igor would or something.

"Even more than usual," Malik adds in. "So we got you something to help you pass the time so you wouldn't have to spend all your time writing in your diary."

"It's a journal." They stare at my pointedly. "I mean… I don't, uh, have a notebook."

"You sad, sad little tomb robber," Marik says, shaking his head. "We got you two presents to help you—"

"I don't need any—did you say _two _presents?" Never turn down free stuff, Jim Bob. Malik smirked at me because… well, I don't know. Probably just because he thinks his Smirk™ makes him look like one bad dude.

"Yes. The first one is going to take some unpacking." Malik pointed to a _huge _present filling up the back of his brother's truck, which was somehow supposed to make it through my doorway.

We eventually got it in, and they helped me put it in my room. And then I got to unwrap the bad boy! And it wwwwwwwwwaaaaasssssss….

A terrarium with a boa constrictor. :) I have great frien—accomplices.

"And that's not even the coolest gift," Marik told me. Malik rolled his eyes at him and shushed him, but Marik grabbed my arm and pulled me out to Odion's car, knocking my elbow against everything on the way.

In the corner of the truck, was a normal-sized gift, wrapped in nice wrapping paper with moose (meese? moosen? mooses?) all over it.

"It's _the coolest gift ever_," Marik told me in a hushed voice, as we headed back towards the house. "By the way, did you know there are crocodile skeletons in the pit in your front yard? Did you forget to feed them again?"


	18. It's a hardwood life

The Pharaoh's Corrupting Our Schools!!!

WOOOOO!

Chapter 18: Bakura's life is so hard

Author's note: I'll keep this short; I don't own what you see here, minus the plot and dialogue and the order the words are in and stuff, and also, they really do make gifts like this.

As soon as we got inside, I tore open the gift. It was… a box! I was disappointed. Then Malik told me to _open _the box, and so I did. And inside the box was… that confetti stuff. I was disappointed. Then Marik told me to dig _through _the confetti stuff, and I did.

And I found a moose.

Not anything lame like a severed moose head (I already have one of those) or its antlers, but a cute (I did _not just write the word cute! _I NEED to get a pencil or one of those pen erasers) stuffed moose.

"…Okay…" I said, giving it a suspicious glance and a tentative hug. It was soft.

"Look at its hands," Marik said, grinning. Malik rolled his eyes _again_. His eyes are going to fall out if he keeps doing so; Ryou told me that when I used to roll my eyes at him. So I've stopped doing that.

I looked at it's… um, do moose (meese) _have _hands? Paws? No… um… hooves. Anyway, so I looked at them. One said "Record" and one said "Play."

I pressed Play, and heard Marik singing, "I hope you get fat. I love you Marshall, but I hate you Slim."

"My name isn't Marshall," I grumble, "and yadonushi's name isn't Slim."

"No, it's a parody of a rap song," Marik said. Malik explains that Marik was sugar high at the time… yeah, he's stupid when he's sugar high. It's not like he runs around wielding a knife, he just kind of… sits, and convulses and twitches and then screams and then sings. It's actually pretty messed up. Ok, so it's _really _messed up. More messed up than Lisa Trevor ripping her mother's face off in Resident Evil. …Ok, so it's not _that _messed up. But it's still really scary.

"…Why did you give me a moose that has Marik singing on it?" I asked in my creepy-pissed-off-British-guy tone.

"No, dude, look." Malik leaned in towards me and presses the hoof (or whatever) marked Record. "Bakura is stuuuuuuuupid," he says. A beep sounded. Then he pressed Play.

"Bakura is stuuuuuuuupid," the moose repeated.

"Interesting," I say. "Why does it sound so faint?"

"But its butt next to your ear and then play it," he instructed.

"The moose's butt?"

"It's a stuffed moose. Get over it."

"I really don't see why this is so cool," I said, even after I realized that the speaker is located in the stuffed animal's rear.

"It's a Pharaoh Scarer," said Malik in a serious, hushed voice. I couldn't help it; I burst out laughing.

"I thought you were supposed to be all goody-goody now," I teased.

"That doesn't mean I don't think scaring the living daylights out of an Egyptian Pharaoh is funny," he says.

Then he told me his idea. It sounds like a really dorky idea. After all, it involves meese.

:Later:

"Do you _have _to take that diary with you?" Malik snaps at me. He is annoying.

"Leave him alone," Marik says. "It's his security item."

"Like you and your pookie?"

o.O I wonder what that is, Jim Bob… So anyway, my accomplices have thought up this really lame idea. They're going to record Yugi saying that he hates Yami, and then set it the moose out for Yami to find, with a note on him that says it's from Yugi. It's _so _lame. Now, here's how I would do it:

"_Bakura's Spirit of the Dark Ring is KING!" the 10' stuffed moose in Yugi's voice would say, only the voice of pure evil would have been deepened and computerized. Fire would spew from its nostrils. "Bakura's Spirit of the Dark Ring is KING! …Hey, that rhymes."_

_The Pharaoh would sink to his knees. "Noooooooooooooo!" he would cry out, beckoning to the heavens above to give him some sort of clue as to why they have forsaken him._

Come to think of it, would Yami really care all that much if Yugi hates him? I mean, the kid _did _tackle him. And Yami's leg hairs could keep him company, anyway. I mean, he's got so freakin' many of them… And they're big enough to have their own brains by now, I bet.

"Did you just write the word _leg hairs_?" Marik inquires.

Malik gives me a dark look. "You're not writing about my sister, are you?"

O.o "Creepy."

"Like the Toxic music video?" Malik inquires.

"How do you _know _about that?" Marik laughs.

"Um, I don't… except that Odion was watching it last night on the computer… again… he's in love with Britney Spears."

"I'm afraid of Britney Spears," Marik starts singing. We both stare at him. You're staring at him too, Jim Bob, with your googley eyes.

"It's a real song," he informs us.

"Do Japanese people really care that much about American pop singers?" I wonder aloud. "I wouldn't know, because _I_ am… _British_!"

"Somebody's very proud of their country," Malik observes.

I blink. "Egypt? We weren't talking about Egypt."

"No; Great Britain."

"Aha! Loser; actually Great Britain is a collection of more than one country," I say.

"Aha! Thank you for proving my point," Malik says.

…What? I don't get it.

"Hey! Yugi's coming home!" Marik points at the future football player walking down the sidewalk… on the side. (What do you do on a sidewalk? You _walk! _On the _side! _Geez, Jim Bob. Stop rolling your googly eyes at me! They're gonna fall out!)

So, as the unruly mess of yellow, red, and black hair nears us, we have to leap out of the bushes (we're stationed in the bushes) at just the right moment as to scare him.

"Hi Malik!" Yugi waves to the allegedly reformed Egyptian, who was standing up in plain sight this whole time. "Do you need something from the shop?"

"No!" Marik leaps up, startling Yugi.

"Oh, Marik… I saw you, but I thought you were, like, sleeping or something." Yugi pauses. "You do realize that this is a rose bush, right? There's thorns."

"Yes, they're making my arm feel nice and light…" That was me, Jim Bob. Not only is it true, but he turned the funniest shade of white. It's so great.

"Um… ho-ho-ho-o-kay," Yugi laughs.

"You just said 'ho ho ho,'" Malik says accusingly. Is he going to make a… "What are we… Santa Clauses?" Yes! A Santa joke!

Yugi blinks at him. "Who?"

Malik rolls his eyes. "I thought you were all into American culture. Don't you know who Santa Claus is?"

"Um… no?" Yugi plays with one of his bangs nervously, which is weird because he's trying to twirl it around his finger, even though it looks as stiff as a board and won't twirl at all. "Who are you talking about?"

"It's a fat guy who wears red and rides reindeer and gives out presents."

"…Oook," says Yugi.

"It happens around Christmas."

"Oh, okay," Yugi says, and he looks as if he's mentally leaving himself a post-it note never to travel to America during the month of December.

"So." Marik gives Yugi a smug look, and gives me the signal. Sighing, I shove the moose's rump into the bushes so that it will pick up what Yugi says without him seeing that I'm holding a frickin' stuffed _moose. _

Marik nods at me, and I wonder why we're frie—accomplices. I need new ones. I nod back to him in a bored fashion.

"So," he repeats, "I heard you hate Yami." I press the 'Record' button. It beeps, _loudly, _and Yugi blinks.

"I hate Yami?" Yugi says in a lame, innocent voice. We stay silent and stare at him, and he gulps, and I try to pull the moose away a bit so that it won't pick up the gulp (as if I'm faster than the speed of sound,) which ruffles the leaves loudly, and he looks nervous and looks down at his sneakers, flushing a bit from whatever emotion people feel when they're in the situation he's in. After a few more awkward seconds of silence, another beep sounds, signaling that the moose is done recording. I toss it at Marik, who shoves it in Yugi's face and laughs, and then rushes off with Malik, who's pretending to try to apologize to Yugi for having his bizarre other half shove a stuffed animal in Yugi's face.

And I just sit here.

"I'm not part of this," I say.

"Okay," says Yugi naively, and I know he believes me. "…Watcha writin'?" he asks after a minute. I spit at him, stand up, start to mosey off.

"Yugi, why aren't you inside yet?" Yugi's grandfather asks him, sticking his head outside. "Oh, hello, Bakura! Want to come inside for some tea?" Wait a minute… Yugi's _grandfather! _

I book it out of there. He's a creepy, creepy man, man.

Hey, I _booked _it out of there… holding you, and you're a _book_… he he he ha...!

…Siiigh…

This moose thing has really got me down. Talk about lame. I mean, I suppose it could have its uses, but Malik's plan will never work; I mean, Yugi'll tell Yami what happened. The only surprise the Pharaoh will get is when he finds out Yugi's telling the truth and that they really _did _use a _moose_ that records. And I'm part of it…. but the Pharaoh won't know that. Yugi'll tell him I wasn't part of it; after all, I told him so.

…Whiiiiiiine! Yes, I narrated my whining! The moose was a gift for me, and I could've at least bothered Ryou with it, but they ran off with it, and Ryou's in the Shadow Realm, and I just ran into a FENCE! Ow! I have a splinter in my shnoz.

…

…There; I pulled it out.

My life is so hard. ;-;

…I think I'll turn emo.

_If you don't review this chapter… you must be emo._


	19. Famous cannibalistic baseball players

_Remember awhile ago when I said this story was going to have "arcs"? Well, this is the next arc. I'll tell you what it's called in the next chapter. Oh, and thanks to Ripper-Roo, I remembered about Bakura's hair and how I think it would look if it was black. I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, Megan, Colton, Kansas, or Mission Impossible. _

_I like to think, though, that I own the idea that famous Japanese baseball players can be cannibals. …That'll make sense soon._

I've turned my room into an abyss with Shadow Magic and painted circles under my eyes with black paint. Oh, and my Millennium Ring is glowing. Emo? Eh, sort of. I don't have any emo music like My Chemical Romance or something, but I do have Sting. And the Hairspray soundtrack. I stole it from my neighbor. I thought about painting my hair black, but realized I would look like some kind of freak trying to cosplay human Inuyasha.

Anyhoo, I don't know how I'm going to get out of this funk… except… I need to find her. That _girl. _Whose brother's name is Colton—ha ha, I almost wrote _bother _instead of _brother. _I wonder if _brothers _are a _bother? _Heh. Anyway…

I don't know where to start. I guess I'm going to have to go back to Mimetown and start asking around. I don't want to have to play charades to understand people, though… maybe I could threaten them with a gun, or something? Nah… I sold all of my guns for some bubblegum a couple of weeks ago… gah…

Besides, my journal is PG.

So, I might as well go.

:Later:

She's not here. Go figure. …Why are people staring at me? I mean, I know I have black paint under my eyes, and a creepy glowing pendant on my chest, but we're surrounded by _mimes! _Aren't those weirder than I am?

…Well, since nobody's actually giving me much more than a third glance before staring at all the miming going on, I guess they are.

…Why is Kaiba here?

O.o Wait, that _is _Kaiba, right?

The limo I'm assuming is Kaiba's has all sorts of funky colors on it, the windows down, and a loudspeaker where the rearview mirrors should be, pumping out lyrics:

"I don't like it unless it's (brand new,)" it sings. O.O; Well, that _could _be Kaiba…

"It's Kaiba!" somebody screams out, furthering my theory that it is, in fact, Kaiba. And then, a final point, Kaiba leaps out in sunglasses with fuzzy purple rims, wearing flashy gold clothing like a dancer. Why is he wearing those? I guess he's gone cra—

"I guess she's lookin' for a brand new man who/Ain't always gotta sit down cause he can't stand you/Boo - this the brand new jam to dance to," he sings.

…Oh Ra. _HIM too_!? He's part of this rap trip too!? No, no, no, no, no… this has to be a drea—

Oh. It was a dream. I just woke up and my head is in a puddle of dog drool (I know because the dog's still drooling). How did I manage to write this while sleeping? The world may never know, just like the world may never know how many licks it takes to get to the juicy center of a tootsie pop. And if you say the answer is _'three,' _Jim Bob, I'll rip out your pages right now!

…Don't even try to test me!

…I am still in Kansas, er, Mimetown… I guess when nobody's talking around you, things get boring—so boring that someone could fall asleep. Actually, I'm not the only one sleeping on the ground. There are a few homeless-looking guys over there who were doing the same thing—with dogs drooling on their faces, too. That guy even has the honor of having a dog pee on him!

Ew. Not quite an honor I'd like to have. No, if I could defeat the Pharaoh in my sleep… that would be a cool honor. I hate him. And his hairy, hairy legs.

Anyway, so now it's time to ask around to see if the mimes know who that girl was. …Hey, and there's that freak she was watching! Strings is his name.

I walk up to him.

"YO!" I scream in his ear. He doesn't even blink.

"YO!" I scream again. "Remember a few days ago when you were surrounded by—hey, are you listening to me?!?!"

He hasn't even blinked.

"Look, don't make me kidnap you," I threaten.

…He didn't even blink!

…

…

…

That's it, then.

…

…

I'm going to have to kidnap him.

"I'm going to have to kidnap you," I warn him.

"…"

He _still _doesn't blink! And his silence is so thick, you could cut it with a knife. If that makes any sense. …I want bread and butter. And a knife. Actually, just a knife.

I flare my nostrils at him.

…No response!?? How can he not crumble under the power of the Threat™, Nostril Flaring©, and Screams™?

I'll really just have to kidnap him, I guess.

…I'll need a golf cart.

:Later:

Well, it's been a day Jim Bob. Yes, that's right; it's been hours since I last wrote in you. Don't worry, my inanimate compadre, I'll fill you in!

"…"

"SHUT UP!" I'm kicking Strings with my foot. Man, he's so… grr… well, I'll tell you what happened.

So, after I last wrote in you, I decided I needed a golf cart. To kidnap Strings, you know.

"I'll be back!" I yelled, shaking my fist at the dumb mime.

So I left. And I went to the Champion Golf Course, where I found Yugi.

"I'm a champion duelist," he was telling people. Of course, they were all golfers, so they didn't care. "Hey!" He tugged on the sleeve of an irritated looking man. "Are you listening to me?"

"No," the man said. If Yugi were a rabbit, his ears would have drooped. Or is that a dog? No, Joey's the mutt… But Yugi as a rabbit is kind of, um, disturbing? Not that I get disturbed by anything. Especially Yugi! I approach the self-proclaimed champion.

"Yugi, I challenge you to golf!" I declared. He looks at me funny.

"Idiot; golf isn't a game. It's a sport," he said disdainfully, before moseying off.

What the…? HEY! He called me an idiot! THIS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED! …Oh, wait, he's already gone. Well, it won't be forgotten!

So… to steal a golf cart.

Why a golf cart, you ask, Jim Bob? Well, just for acting insolent like that, I'm writing against your surface really hard. Idiot! Everyone knows that the funniest, most interesting chases take place when a golf cart is involved! And, seeing as no big Nascar races are held in Japan, and I'm not into the drag racing scene, and I don't have a driver's license anyway, a golf cart is really my only option. I mean, yadonushi-Ryou has a license to drive, but when I drive it's pretty obvious I don't. It's not my fault I hit a lady pedestrian. She was yelling at me, anyway, so she kind of deserved it.

ANYWAY! Golf carts are glorious cars! AND I KNEW THAT I WAS DESTINED TO HAVE ONE, SO THAT I SHOULD KIDNAP STRINGS AND DEMAND A PATHWAY TO GLORY!

And then I saw _him_ by the driving range, and I said:

"Hey, there's Weevil."

Yes, bug boy himself was holding up some baseball bats and carrying them behind some distinguished Japanese baseball player. I don't know why Weevil was a bat boy, (he's more of a bug boy,) and I also don't know why they were there; as I said, it was a golf course, not a baseball diamond.

So… they were getting on a golf cart… and I got another idea on how to make Weevil's life miserable. So I approached them _verrry _slowly, humming the Mission Impossible theme song. This took too long, though, and they started off before I got there. The theme song is 3 minutes and 28 seconds long, you know, and they only waited around for only a minute, loading the baseball bats onto the cart. …Why does this baseball player need a bat boy when he has a golf cart?

So then I just chased after the golf cart. They were going pretty fast for a golf cart though… amazingly fast. And that's when I knew I'd found the fabled golf cart of the legend.

Sweat trickled down my forehead and (Ra forbid!) through my hair, and my legs ached as I sprinted across the course. Finally I caught up, because I'm super and great like that.

"The line to play this hole is ridiculous!" growled the baseball player. "We've been standing here for over 20 minutes!"

Yes, I caught up because I'm super and great… not because they'd stopped or anything. -.- Moving on… I ran up to Weevil. "Bug boy!" I screamed. The baseball player's eyes widened, and Weevil gulped.

The baseball player narrowed his eyes at our green-haired preteen victim. "_Bug _boy?" he snarled. "On your resume you wrote you were a _bat _boy! You're fried!"

"You mean fired?"

"No, I mean fried! I'm a CANNIBAL!"

"Oh no!" Weevil cried plaintively.

And so, while the famous baseball and Weevil ran around in circles, the famous Japanese baseball player's outstretched arms reaching for Weevil so that he could grab him and take him to his deep fryer, I "commandeered" their golf cart and booked it out of there.

Immediately the cops were on my tail.

"You are speeding in a no-speeding zone!" one shouted at me through a loudspeaker.

I was going about 5 miles an hour. They were _running_ after me.

Finally I reached the main road. The speed limit in Mimetown is 5 miles per hour, but I went 20. The police finally reached their cars, and starting after me at the slow clip of 2 mph, because there were pedestrians everywhere. _I _managed to hit none of them! If Ryou were here, maybe he'd finally let me use his license once in awhile if he could see how responsible I was being.

…Or he might just argue that I'm using the golf cart so I can kidnap a mime. Whatever.

I reached where Strings was perched rather quickly. Parking in front of him, I yelled, "Get in!"

"…" He blinked at me.

"That's _really _starting to get annoying!" I yelled. Then I realized he had blinked. "Moment! Finally! Come on, get in before I have to carry you!"

His finger twitched. _Yes, _I thought, he's starting to move!

I could hear sirens behind me. Turning around in my seat I saw that the police were about to turn the corner and catch sight of me. So I hopped out of the cart, grabbed Strings' hands (which there is nothing wrong with), and tugged him from off his perch, placing him in the backseat (I really did have to pick him up and move him back there; he wouldn't move). Then I shooed the small kindergarteners playing next to the cart and making graffiti on it in crayon, and made like a tree, whatever that means. Doesn't "make" mean go to the bathroom, in some contexts? How does a tree do that, anyway?

I'm kind of tired, Jim Bob. So I guess I'll write the rest tomorrow. It got plenty exciting after that, but I'll just leave you in suspense…

_Mimes are always exciting. This sounds corny: I don't own the song "Brand New," that Kaiba was singing, but if you review than I will update with a brand new chapter. :)_


	20. A golf cart with a Nascar setting!

_If you couldn't tell, this is the 'Kidnap Strings' arc. Oooh. Nice title, eh?_

…I can't sleep, Jim Bob. Strings isn't snoring, and the lack of sound is keeping me up. I might as well continue with what happened yesterday. I drove off, Strings sitting stiffly in the backseat, police chasing after us. They were now going around 5 mph as people cleared out of their way. That was good, because when they were going 2 mph, well… people _walk _at 2 mph. They could've just run after us and made better time. But actually, 5 mph wasn't making much difference, as I discovered that the golf cart had…

A Nascar setting.

Here's how it happened.

"How do I turn on my blinkers?" I wondered, staring at the golf cart. "Wait, do golf carts _have _blinkers? I'm not really all that acquainted with their anatomy… Geez, that sounded weird. Hey, look, a Nascar setting!"

To set the car to Nascar, you had to press a large, red, doomsday-device-ish-looking button. And so I did.

And then we were off! We quickly passed 60 mph. And I _still _didn't hit any pedestrians! (Though I did hit a squirrel; but still! That's pretty good! Why wasn't Ryou there to see how careful I was!?) I didn't see any need to go faster than that; I mean, I kind of wanted the police to catch up… slow-speed chases are funny, medium-speed chases are interesting, but a _high-speed chase… _those are _captivating. _(Nice word, eh?)

So, we went along at 60 mph. And an amazing thing happened: Strings actually clambered over the seat to ride shotgun. That was all he moved, though. His lower lip didn't even twitch (although his piercings swayed a little in the breeze).

So, while we were driving (and we drove for half an hour… meaning we went 30 miles, (math is power!!)) I got to take a good look at this guy in-between looking at the stoplights and the road and the other cars and all that boring nonsense. And he's got, like, 20 piercings. And he's as pale as snow. And his lips are an unnatural color. It's just weird.

So we stopped at a small diner outside of the city, parking the golf cart in the parking lot behind the diner, so that it couldn't be seen if you were on the road.

Then I had to try to prod Strings to get out of the car.

"Look, I _know _you can move," I said to him. He stared at the windshield, inanimate except for the occasional closing and opening of his eyelids. (That's called _blinking_.) "I saw you twitch! And you climbed into that seat, for Rassake! So you're going to move your legs and get into that diner!"

So he swung his legs around so that he could jump out of the cart. And when his legs hit the ground, and he stretched them, his joints made the most awful popping noises. I literally flinched

"Just get inside," I said, bending down (wincing again as I thought of the noises his legs had made when he had bent them) to scoop up a conveniently sharp stick in the middle of the parking log. I made stabbing motions at his back, and he obediently went inside.

And there we were—inside Domino City's equivalent of BJ's. How I know what BJ's is, well, don't ask me. It was kinda dim, there were TVs that you couldn't really focus on because their volume was too low, and the smell of good food was everywhere.

So we go inside and are shown to our table. Finally our waitress shows up.

She looked like Tea.

"AH!" I jumped in the air—like a man, you know—and when I hit my chair again, my butt hurt.

"Uhm… ok," she says, in a voice that isn't Tea's. So she's just a look-alike.

"I'm Shelly, and I'll be your waitress—AH!" She jumped in the air when she saw Strings and his many face piercings. (I don't blame her. I mean, seriously, the guy looks like he works at Hot Topic. Except he's too fat. Not that he is really fat, it's just that people who work at Hot Topic are anorexic-skinny.) Strings doesn't even blink at her rudeness. He just stares lamely at the menu.

"Er… can I get you two something to drink?"

"Lemonade," I say. I wonder if I looked weird, with my white hair. ...Nah. Strings points to something on the menu. Shelly squints at his menu, writes something down and then walks off without even telling us how our drinks would be 'right out'.

"So," I say, suddenly feeling all businessy. "I need some information from you, Strings."

"…"

"See, a few days ago there was a crowd of people around you. In the crowd were a girl and a boy. They looked related. The boy's name was Colton, and I don't know the girl's name. Do you know them?"

Strings blinks at me.

I sigh. "Ok, I'll try to elaborate some more. She said, 'There's one guy who won't say something stupid.' She was talking about you, I think." Strings releases just a hint of a smile. "Then she told her brother that he couldn't buy Magic cards. Remember?"

Strings stares at me.

I grab my napkin and take out the pen I usually write in you with, and I handed them to Creepy.

He scribbled down the following message:

_Yeah, that kid Colton comes by every week to buy Magic Cards. Her name is Megan, I think._

Megan…?

"Are you sure?" I asked. He pointed to the words _I think, _and then writes, _for all I know, it could be Angela, or Pam, or Jim. Or Nagem. _

"Nagem, huh? What's that?"

_It's 'Megan' backwards._

"Oh. Any idea where they might live?"

Strings shrugged. _In Domino City? _he wrote.

I rolled my eyes. "No, really, dumbtard."

Frantically he scribbled, _Dumbtard isn't a word._ I glared at him.

"Look, this isn't going to work if you don't talk," I shouted.

He sighed—the only sound I'd heard all day from him. Then he wrote down something else.

_I can't. It's against the Mime's Code._

"Oh, give me a break!? The _Mime's _Code?"

Angrily he underlined _the Mime's Code_ and pointed to it. I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Listen to me," I growled. "You're going to help me find this girl's house, okay?"

Strings shrugged, then nodded noddingly.

Then Shelly came by with our drinks and asked us if we were ready to order. Since we hadn't really even looked at the menus, we weren't, but being a man I couldn't let anybody think that I was unprepared for anything! So quickly I looked at the menu and ordered a hamburger and fries. Strings pointed to another object on the menu and Shelly took our menus and left quickly.

Later, after we'd eaten and stuff happened that I'll tell you about later, we came back here, to regroup and collect our thoughts. Then I had to pick a place for Strings to sleep. See, he could've technically stayed in Ryou's bed. But if he had slept even _near _Ryou's _room_, and Ryou had found out about it in the future, I'd be grounded forever. Ryou is very particular about who can set foot in his room, and he gets really mad if I go over his head about these things.

Not that I'm afraid of him…

Anyhoo, so I decided he could sleep in my room—only on the floor. So I got him some blankets (just to piss Ryou off, they're _his_; that'll show I'm not afraid of him) and pillows, and he's sleeping on the floor… just lying there… not snoring…

It's annoying, I tell you.

Grrr… it's 2:07 and I'm _really _sleepy… and writing by flashlight-light is hurting my eyes… so goodnight, Jim Bob… I'll tell you about what happened on the way home in the morning.

_Morning may never come if you don't review!_


	21. I forgot I'm not a cattle rustler!

_Most of this chapter was beta-read by Akio the Dragon Master! Thanks:)_

There's a mime eating pancakes in Ryou's kitchen, Jim Bob.

Last night I had a dream. It made me think… about mimes. Here's what happened in my dream:

It all looked like something out of Final Fantasy Tactics. I was standing in front of the Kame Game Shop, where Yugi's grandfather works, and I had a pitchfork and an angry mob that increased my attack strength 50+. Suddenly my enemy appeared. It was Yugi's grandpa, and he, gamboled and gallivanted around like the Six Flags guy. Then he whipped out a Keyblade from behind him and swung it, and my angry mob disappeared and I suffered 2 points of damage—I know because the numbers floated in front of my eyes. Then I woke up.

It was strange.

Anyhoo, so now Strings is eating all my pancakes. -.- Just like last night, he ate all my fries!

Our food had finally arrived, and Shelly darted away from us as if we were poison, or infected with the T-Virus. If I were poison, I would want a scorpion tail, and eight glowing, flame-spewing spider eyes (because Ryou told me spiders can spit fire out of their eyes), and an arm in the middle of my chest to grab people with. That way, I could hold them down while I stung them over and over with my cool tail. Although maybe I should make the tail detachable. …Is there a Duel Monsters card like that? There should be.

So, yeah, Shelly left us, and we sat there, quietly eating our food. (_I _was eating my food quietly because talking with food in your mouth is disgusting, and is actually against the Tomb Robber's Code; _Strings _was eating quietly because he's a freakin' mime.) I didn't think that the fries were salted enough, so I kept putting salt on them. But then when I ate them, they were saltless! O.o

So I thought the cows had gotten to my fries. (You thought I'd forgotten about the cows, didn't you Jim Bob? Oh no. An elephant never forgets… and neither do, um, tomb robbers.) But then, halfway through our meal, I realized it was Strings. Here's what was happening: I would salt my food, fry by fry. But he would grab the fry I'd salted, and so I'd grab an unsalted fry, thinking it was salted, and eat it! Then I would with bubble with rage (RAGE I say!) at the tastelessness of the fry!

Why I was salting only one fry at a time, I don't know. That's not very efficient. And I should've known it wasn't TESMU OCAOT TAPID; they would've tried to save their hamburger brethren.

I glared at Strings. I had a good mind to tell him to stop eating all my fries.

"Stop eating all my fries!!!" I said that with that exact number of exclamation marks, somehow. "What have you got to say for your sorry self!?" Heh, I called him sorry. …But what if he _isn't _sorry? Is it still an insult?

"…" Strings blinked at me. Darn him and his mime-ness.

I gave him a Glare™. "Unless you're blinking in Morse code, and are apologizing, I'm going to kill you. Say something."

Strings grabbed the napkin, which was full of his earlier writing, and grabbed my pen (which is mine. Grr). Then he wrote:

_It's rude to talk when you have food in your mouth. It's against the Mime's_

Then he ran out of room. Maybe he meant to add "Code" at the end, but I still think he was about to write about nuclear tests, or African-American literacy statistics, or even something completely unrelated to mimes.

"Isn't talking against the Mime's Code anyway?" I asked. He nodded. So I growled: "Just don't touch my fries again." He nodded again. That's when I realized I didn't have any fries left at all. "The cows must have gotten the rest of them!" I swore, rising to my feet. Strings blinked at me curiously. Since he didn't have anymore room on the napkin, he wrote on his hand.

_What_

"Everybody freeze!" The police entered the diner. And I thought, crud, I won't get desert. Or is it dessert? Either way, I like both kinds. But not together. What was I writing about—oh yeah. The police. Oh, wait a minute, Jim Bob. I have to switch to present tense for a sec.

- - -

"Don't use all the syrup!" I yell at Strings. "I'm not the only one that lives here, you know, and my roomie-slash-vessel will be angry if you finish off the syrup!"

Strings doesn't look like he cares. I kick him. Then he glares at me, and slathers even more syrup on his—_my_—pancakes. This guy's a schmuck.

Anyway, back to last night—wait, it wasn't night. But it was getting darkish. So I guess it was dusk—aw, who cares anymore? Anyhoo; the police said they were looking for an escaped cattle rustler.

"We are looking for an escaped cattle rustler!" one policeman said.

Another guy, flailing his limbs around, screamed "stay calm" in what was probably the shrillest voice in this prefecture. …Domino City has/is a prefecture, right? I don't know.

BUT I KNOW EVERYTHING ELSE!

"Cattle rustlers? In Japan?" Shelly asked incredulously, sounding very Tea-like. It was scary.

All I can think of is, "Cattle rustler?? That's me!" So I jump to my feet and grab Strings by the wrist. (Not by the hand. Who do you think I am… Pegasus?

…Shut up, Jim Bob.) Then I dragged him out of the diner, tripping him several times for fun, before I realize that I'm not a cattle rustler, I'm only a mime-kidnapper and golf cart-stealer. (Cattle rustler sounds cooler, though; I'll put in on my list of things to do.)

Anyhoozle, since I ran away, the cops thought that I was a cattle rustler, and they were chasing after me in the parking lot.

"Look at that ugly cow he has with him!" a young cop shouted. Strings gave him a dirty look.

"That's a man, Leon," an older cop informed him.

Leon's looked crushed. "Oh," he said, embarrassed. I mean, what a loser!

"Don't worry about it, Kennedy, it's your first day on the force," another cop said. "Just hope that the city doesn't get overrun by zombies and that years later you'll go to Spain to search for the President's daughter among cultists who for some reason speak Mexican Spanish instead of Spain Spanish."

"What?"

"Nothing."

Strings hopped into the backseat, and I jumped up front, and we lit out of there like a… man who ate beefy burritos at the beef bonanza, lighting his farts on fire. …Beef BONANZA! That sounds cool. I wonder what time it's at. (Author's note: COUGH s-x o'clock…. Sorry about that. You wouldn't understand my history homework…)

The police ran for their cruisers, which spontaneously combusted.

"That'll teach 'em," said an honest-looking chap perched on a heifer that we passed by.

Anyhoot, we were speeding along at the stupendous speed of 15 miles per hour. At a stoplight I slammed on the breaks and Strings fell into the front passenger seat—well, most of him did. His forehead actually connected with the windshield. Accident. Really.

Strings reached for _you, _Jim Bob, and I snapped at him. "You can't write in this," I said. I protected you from a mime. :) 'Cuz I just love you thaaaat much.

Mr. Mime (HAH! That a _perfect _name for him) looked POed, and sunk back into his seat. After we ran over a cat, however, (yes! First casualty of the day!) he checked his pockets and found a short length of white ribbon, which he proceeded to ruin by writing on.

_I wanted dessert, _he wrote. Well, THAT totally made my weekend: I had a whiny mime on my hands. And then he added, _I am getting paid for this, right? _which used up his entire ribbon.

About this time I'd caught sight of Joey and was trying to run him over with the golf cart. I thought, stupid mutt, Trix are for… kids! I gotta say, it was like playing a video game or something. But when a clown grabbed Joey and dragged him into the sewers I gave up.

"Let's go to Bastin Robbins!" said a voice that sounded like it had just sucked out all the helium in a balloon the size of the Goodyear Blimp. (Will doing that kill you? And how do I know what the Goodyear Blimp is? I wonder…) Anyway, I had no idea who had said that, and it spooked me so bad I crashed the cart. Then I realized it was Strings, who was miming nervous laughter, however that is possible.

Glaring at him the entire way, we walked to Baskin Robbins.

"Welcome to Baskin Robbins!" said Tristan cheerfully.

…

If I had known he worked at Baskin Robbins, I would've sworn off ice cream for Lent. …But Lent is over now, right?

…

When the heck _is _Lent, anyway?

Strings held up one finger, then he pointed to where the dutch chocolate ice cream lay.

"Coming up!" said Tristan, as if he dealt with mutes everyday. Oh, excuse me… _faux-_mutes. Grr.

I didn't order anything, since buying dairy products gives money to TESMU OCAOT TAPID, just like purchasing gasoline from that one gas station gives money to drug lords/warmongers in that Latin American country.

"Thanks for visiting Baskin Robbins! Come again!" Tristan shouts cheerfully as we exit. He didn't even notice me; what a dummy. And he said every little thing in the same tone, wearing the same expression. …Wait! Ah! o.o;

o.o;

o.o;

o.o;

o.o; Tristan is actually a robot! (How did you like my shocked faces, Jim Bob?)

After Baskin Robbins, we walked home, Strings devouring his ice cream, and me trying to look like a TOed mobster. (Which is hard, because I just end up looking like a woman in a good mood. …If women HAVE good moods. Maybe Megan has good moods.)

"You sure her name is Megan?" I asked. No answer except for gross sounds that sounded like those parasite-infested dogs from Resident Evil 4 trying to eat Leon Kennedy's face off. "Hey, you've got ice cream on your lip ring. …And your eyebrow ring, too. How'd you do that?"

No answer. I sighed. I was in a pretty lousy mood. So I went and bought cool clothes. Strings went with me. Shopping always improves my mood. :) Strings even bought a pair of leather pants. :(

And then we walked home and fell asleep (I made him sleep on the floor, remember) and woke up and made pancakes which _he's eating _and _I'm not_, and that's where this cussed entry _started!_

**Strings will post pictures of himself in those tight leather pants on the Internet if you don't review! o.o Hurry, review like the WIND! **


	22. Megan

_The first half of this was beta-read by Akio the Dragon Master! Uber-thanks Akio. Also, Thursday Addams, I update this while you were busy reading Chapters 20 and 21! Mwahaha!_

Chapter 22: Megan

Our chapter begins in the 3rd person. Bakura gives his kidnappee-turned-guest a disapproving look from across the table.

"Are you sure her name is Megan?" he asks for the first time since yesterday. ("He" obviously being Bakura, since Strings is a mime, and mimes do not speak.) The tomb thief (again, obviously Bakura) peers into his glass of orange juice with concern, a frown etched on his face. He is searching for pulp. The carton said it contained "some".

The mime (we're talking about Strings this time and, honestly, I swear after this chapter is over I'll never point out that Strings is a mime again) pauses in his pancake devouring activity, a fork just inches away from his multiply-pierced lips. And he thinks to himself (because mimes don't speak out loud).

Enter the flashbacks.

1)

"_Megan, let's go buy Magic cards!" Colton said excitably, tugging his sister towards a store._

2)

"_Megan, look at this card!" Colton held said card inches away from his sister's nose. "It has awesome abilities and—"_

"_Colton, I don't care," said Megan, staring at Strings' miming act… in which he didn't move. She was probably thinking of how boring he was, honestly._

3)

"_Wait a second, Megan." Colton looked at his sister in horror. "You invited WHO to my birthday party!?"_

Strings nods. Man, that girl and her brother spend a lot of time in Mimetown.

Bakura chews on his lip, taking this information in. "Um, any idea where she lives?" he asks—I mean demands. Tomb robbers are forceful! Yaarrr!

Strings thinks some more.

"_Megan, I'm going to mail-order some Magic cards. What's our new Japanese address again?"_

"_Colton, it's—"_

"_Hey! A mime!" A new face pushed in front of Colton and his sister. "You'd never expect to see one of these in Little Mimetown!"_

Strings glares, his eyes half-lidded, at his—er, Bakura's—pancakes. 'I live in a town of idiots,' he thinks—mimes don't talk! 'I should fire my agent.'

He has an agent? 0o0 -o- 0o0 That's a blink.

…Who _am _I? Am I some narrator from a third dimension? I mean, seriously, I—

BOOM! EXCITING FIRST-PERSON BAKURA NARRATIVE EXCITING SUPER NON-BORING EXCITING ACTION! Goooooooooooo!

…Why is he glaring at his pancakes, Jim Bob? What did they do to him? (spooked) Did the syrup speak to him? (Yes, I just narrated my feelings—but I was lying! I wasn't spooked! I NEVER get spooked! I am a tomb robber, after all. …Unless it's clowns. Eesh, clowns. Gross. …If the syrup _did _talk to him, though…)

"So do you know where she LIVES?" I growl. Growlingly! And then I sip my orange juice. Sippingly!

…Ew, there's (some) pulp in my orange juice.

"I don't like pulp," I murmur murmurringly. Strings looks at me. But doesn't say anything.

It's because he's a mime.

…

…

…

I can't stress that enough.

So, while gothboy over there inhales my freakin' food, I might as well describe the pretty, MANLY clothes we bought last night. _I _am wearing blue jeans… and a _pink _shirt! It takes a manly man to pull that off, Jim Bob! Mu huhu ha! Fear my prettine… uhm… manliness.

On my shirt is says "I am a badbutt," except it has the different word instead of butt. :P Strings is wearing… eesh. Won't even talk about it.

"So I guess today's goal is to find out where Megan lives," I say. Strings gives me a strange look. I know that look; it's the _And how do you suppose we do that? _look that Malik is always giving Marik. Only it looks WAY more bizarre on Strings, because of his face piercings and stuff. I mean, wow. I bet this guy never ever makes it through the metal detectors in airports.

"Well… I remember Ryou saying something about phone books," I say. Strings picks up my pen and writes on his arm.

_Who's Ryou?_

This time I remember NOT to say "my wife." "He's my roommate," I say.

_Oh, _Strings writes. _Where is he?_

"The Shadow Realm."

_Oh._

"Oh? …You know of the Shadow Realm?"

_I used to be Malik's mindslave._

Oh wow.

"Fun."

_Not really._

The last mindslave Malik had, he made dress up in a clown costume and entertain at little kid's birthday parties for money so that he could deliver all the pay back to Malik. I pity Malik's mindslaves. …Or I would, if I had any feelings.

"So… do you know her last name?" Strings nodds and told me her last name. "Awesome! That _is _her last name, right? You're sure?"

Strings rolls his eyes and proceeds to write, _They looked American, and Americans use first names. Besides, they had sorta similar appearances, so they were probably related, and so would've used first names anyway._

"You just used up your entire right arm," I point out. Strings shrugged. "So, we can look her number up in the phone book… but I don't know where Ryou keeps the yellow pages. So we're going to have to go get Ryou."

_Where is he? _Strings writes on his left arm.

"The Shadow Realm."

_Oh. Happy._

"Yeah."

_So… what now? _Strings asks.

"Well… we're going to need some help," I conclude. "Not that we tomb robbers really _need _help… It's just I sort of forgot how to bring him back."

Strings apparently didn't hear my whole spiel about being a tomb robber. _But who are we going to get help from? _is what he writes.

I know just the person… I think.

****

**_Bakura will never tell you who it is unless you review! _**


	23. Salad Breath

I was gonna wait 'til I had more reviews to update… but SPRING BREAK is underway! WOO-HOO! So if you didn't review the last chapter, please go back and do so. :P And remember, I love all reviews, even if they're negative. So THANKS for reviewing…

Akio the Dragon Master gave me the idea for how to get Ryou out of the Shadow Realm. …And I used it. Thanks Akiochan!

Iiiiiiiiiit is CHAPTER 23!! (crowd cheers like their favorite baseball team hit a home run) Wooooo!

Bakura's P.O.V.

Jim Bob, a sad day it is that has come, because… besides the fact that Strings _ate _all the friggin' pancakes, (which you're probably sick of hearing about, and so I'll let it go,) I… I have to ask Ishizu for help.

Not a lot of help, mind you; I _am _a tomb robber, after all. I'm very independent. I just need to ask her to use her Millennium Necklace/Tauk to see into the future, to tell me if I manage to get Ryou back or not. If I do, then I'll make her tell me how I did it, and then do it that way. …But if the future me didn't go to see Ishizu, how did he know what to do? It almost makes my brain hurt, but I'm a tomb robber, so I can handle it.

You might notice I'm not using a multitude of explanation points. This is because, when I ran out of food this morning, I ate Ritalin for breakfast. After all, what are pills if not just a different kind of candy.

…Hey, there's Yugi. I forgot his house was on the way to the museum. …Wait, no it isn't. o.O I'm going the wrong way!

"O.o;;;;;; BAKURA?"

"What?!" I snap.

Why is Yugi looking at me like I'm a giraffe and I'm wearing a clown suit?? …Oh hey, I'm a giraffe and I'm wearing a clown suit. Wait, no I'm not, I'm just HOLDING a picture of a giraffe wearing a clown suit. How'd that get there?! Hey, Malik's here.

"Yugi!!" Yami comes running outside, cradling my… my stuffed moose! "Tell me that this isn't true!"

Yugi sweat drops. "It isn't true, Yami," he says.

"Oh. Okay." Immediately the Pharaoh is all sunshine and smiles again. Idiot. How the heck did he ever beat me? I seriously don't know.

"It was Malik," Yugi continues.

"Aw, dang it, Yugi!" Malik jumps out from behind a bush. "I wanted to see him cry!"

"I am the Pharaoh," says… the Pharaoh, in a snooty tone. "I never cry."

"What does your shirt say, Bakura?" Yugi asks as the Pharaoh went back into the house.

"OI! PHARAOH! DON'T IGNORE ME!" Malik and I shout at the same time. Weird. But the Pharaoh ignores us anyway. Schmuck.

"…" 'says' Strings. Did I mention he was here? Well, he is.

"My shirt says _I am a_… well, you can read, can't you?" I smirk and flounce my hair. 'Cuz that's a snobby thing to do.

"Um, Bakura, that doesn't say _I am a bad_, uh, _ butt_… it says _I _have_ a bad… butt_," Yugi says uncomfortably.

……………………..Oh. Well that's lame.

"And your shirt is PINK!" Malik does a poor job of stifling his laughter.

"HEY! FEW PEOPLE CAN PULL THIS OFF MISTER!" I yell back.

"Pffft," says the Pharaoh. "_I _could pull it off. _I _could pull of anything."

"What if you dressed up as a giraffe wearing a clown suit?" I suggest. He gives me an odd look.

"What made you think of that?" the Pharaoh asks curiously.

"Hey! A mime!" Yugi says in awe. "Awesome!"

"Strings?" Malik gives Strings an _odd _look. "What are you _wearing_?"

"I didn't know there were mimes like that," Yugi mutters, all his previous awe already washed away by waves of confusion. (Ooh, that sounds good, huh Jim Bob.)

"Are you two hanging out together in your dumb clothes?" Malik's teasing ME now! Gotta escape…

"Hey look! …SLIFER THE SKY DRAGON!"

"Where?!" Malik and Yugi turn around. I take off running, Strings right behind me.

Idiots.

"…" Strings 'says.' I bet he's insulting them too right now.

:Later:

I'm at Ishizu's home now. Actually, I'm at the museum. She _lives _in there. Literally. I would think that I—um, that a _girl _would get scared staying in the same place as all those wax dummies in the 'historical resurrection' department… but apparently she doesn't. Then again, she can just sic her two brothers on the wax figures if they look at her funny. Or seem to be.

The place sure has changed a lot. It used to be a friendly-looking museum back when I was swindling Rex, but that was the front of the museum. From the back it looks like a haunted manse. Creepy organ music is being played and lightning is forking across the gray skyline. Meh. Why is there organ music? Is Davy Jones having a recital nearby? (PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN REFERENCE! Wooooooooo!)

I turn around, wondering if I should grow a beard out of tentacles. "Stay here," I tell Strings. He's gaping at the place. I guess he doesn't want to come anyway. Maybe mimes are allergic to museusm? (If those are the kind of thoughts I'm having, then maybe the Ritalin isn't working… Hey, I spelled museusm wrong… I just did it again… Why don't I just buy a pencil? Then again… this pen and I have been through so much together… Not really. I'll buy a new one soon. I can't get too attached. I can't _name _it. You know you're crazy when you name your inanimate objects and treat them as friends, Jim Bob.)

I walk up the ridiculously long gravel pathway to the eerie doors. The doorknockers are in the shape of lions' mouths. Sheez. Who decorated here, Dracula? Snort… he he… that was funny…

Okay, so I just narrated my snort. SHUT UP! Jim Bob, you're so insensitive. You're like a bad guy. Which is relevant, because I'm about to use some complicated plan to catch the bad guy, like on Scooby Doo. Oh wait… no I'm not. But I _am _about to use a complicated maneuver to break inside this museum. Hold on.

…

That plan worked perfectly. :)

_In 3rd person…_

"Odion, somebody rung the doorbell! Go see who it is!!" Odion, grumbling in response to his sister's demand and in response to the fact that she had conjugated the verb 'ring' wrong, went to the front of the museum. Only to realize that the museum didn't HAVE a doorbell.

Bakura had somehow pushed it anyway. He must be a genius.

_Back to 1st person…_

Odion answers the door. "Hello?" he says in a deep voice. I yawn. …What? I couldn't hold it in. I mean, Odion is just so… boring. He doesn't have a Millennium Item; he only dueled once in the whole show (show? What show? I don't know what I'm talking about); AND he doesn't have badbutt hair. (If he does, it's not on his head. Maybe it's on his back.) So he's a boring loser.

But he looks even more like a loser today… he's got a bit of lettuce stuck in his teeth, and his pants have practically been decimated by something—there are scratches all over his legs. And, on his head, he has a giant lump.

"You look gr8," I say sarcastically. "Ready for our d8?" Hah, that'll confuse him. And yes, Jim Bob, due to my l33t prowess, it is possible for me actually say things with the number 8! Fear my l33t prowess.

Odion looks at me, confused. "What?" He does not understand. He is not l33t.

"I need to speak with Ishizu," I tell him. "…Why do you have a third nose on your head?" Maybe he can hear people's thoughts with it, like that lady with the third ear in the Wayside books that Ryou used to like.

"What?" Odion touches his bump. "Does it look like a nose? …I only have one nose, Bakura. So if this _were _a nose, it'd only be my second."

I'll show him. "I heard that your hemorrhoid looks like a nose, too," I say. "Malik told me that he'd seen some pictures once, and…"

Odion's tan skin is now the nicest pale shade of snow. :) Although… I just made the thing about his hemorrhoid up… I didn't think he had one. O.O But he does! That's gross!

…

O.O EW! That really is very very gross!

Odion isn't white anymore; now he's red. This has nothing to do with his ethnicity, obviously; he's blushing very hard.

"M-M-M-Master Malik is in his room," Odion claims. He smells… of salad. He has salad breath.

"That's not who I want to see," I say patiently. "I want to see _Ishizu._"

"…Down the hall and to your right," he stammers, before he turns and rushes off, embarrassed. …Ew. Just ew. No, more than ew. Ew ew ew ew _ewe, _like the sheep, ew ew ew. Ew. That's enough ews. …Ew.

So I walk down the hall, Jim Bob, thinking about ewes and whether they have hemorrhoids. (This doesn't bode well for the Ritalin…) On the way, I pass by Malik's room, which has light green walls and, right now, evil shadows and the sounds of a chainsaw. I wonder if I should pop in for a visit on my way out? Malik's laughing really hysterically, though… he must be watching a funny soap opera.

So, I turn into what appears to be Ishizu's living ro—O.O Oh my Ra.

"Ryou?!!?!?!?!?!?!"

Ryou pulls away from a—a KISS!—with Ishizu and stares at me. "…Oh. Hi Bakura! I was wondering when you were going to sense my presence and come get me," he says, offering a shy smile.

"Your PRESENCE?! What do you think this is? _Dragonball Z_?" I answer in what even I will admit is an astoundingly squeaky voice. Ryou shrugs. "HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF THE SHADOW REALM!?"

Ryou gives me a big grin. "I believed in the heart of the cards," he says goofily.

"…WHAT?!?!!? That answer is inacceptable!"

"You mean unacceptable."

"HOW THE HECK ARE YOU HERE TALKING TO ME!?" I shriek.

Ishizu raises her hand as if we're in Kindergarten. "Yes, you over there!" I say, pointing at her. Soon I'm going to chibify Ryou, so I better start acting like _somebody's_ in Kindergarten.

"Ryou used the power of the Millennium Ring to come back," she said.

"You're not allowed to do that!" I snapped. Here's his response:

"But I'm your vessel! I deserve it!"

I glare at him. "RYOU! The Millennium Ring is a privilege, not a right!" I say. His mouth opens into a round 'o'.

His face reddens, and he looks at his shoes. Dunno why; they're boring. Although they've got those cool silver check mark things…

"Bakura, I didn't know you felt that way… I'll try to be—" I cut him off with, "And it's not a privilege you're ever going to get!"

"Huh?" Ryou looks at me, and… crud. He starts blubbering. He puts his head on Ishizu's shoulders. "Oh, Bakura, I didn't know you felt that way, either. But I I I…"

"No."

"WAH!" Ryou is right-out sobbing now. "I th-thought that, e-ventuall-LY," he sniffles, "you would come to t-t-t-trust me… enough so that maybe you'd share the Millennium R-R-Ring, just a little—"

His lips tremble, and he's getting tears all over the couch he's reclining on with his apparent girlfriend. Ishizu gives him a comforting h-h-h-hug. She shouldn't be shouldering that pansy. Or making out with him. o.O (Is that how you use the word shouldering? Shoulders… shoulder pads… football players! Yugi. Eesh.)

"NO. Now get off your girlfriend's lap, we're GOING HOME."

Ishizu blushes, and Ryou obediently gets off of her lap and follows me.

"Be careful on the way out," she calls. "The ceiling's been collapsing lately. It already hit Odion. Oh, and Ryou," she says sweetly, "could you feed Maybelline on the way out?"

"Sure thing," Ryou says. As soon as we exit in the hall, he thanks me, even shaking my hand.

"SALAD!" he complains. "Salad with croutons, salad with mayonnaise, and even salads with catsup! It's all she, or anyone in this family, eats! I mean, geez, eat a chocolate bar or something! Eat anything other than salad! She had such salad breath!" Ryou wraps up his lament with a sigh.

"…Ooookay then," I say. "Don't make out with people who eat salad, then." Weird. Just then, a piece of the ceiling falls down. I jump back and accidentally knock my yadonushi out of the way.

And then, jumping _OUT _of the ceiling, is a white cat, yowling like her tail was aflame with the flames of Heck itself.

"Oh, there's Maybelline," Ryou says sweetly. "I'm supposed to feed her."

"WHO?"

"The cat from Chapter 2," Ryou says bluntly.

"What do you mean, 'chapter'?" I demand. Ryou shakes his head at me. He's PITYING me! DARN HIM! NO ONE PITIES THE _MIGHTY BAKURA!! _(This is where the hellflame spouts up in the background.) Meanwhile, Maybelline attacks Ryou's legs, leaving little lines all over his lithe legs. Yes, stupid cat! ATTACK THE MORTAL!

…Was I talking out loud again?

…NO! LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU DUMB ANIMAL! ARRGH!

Why did I narrate that last "arrgh"? What's Ryou going to cook for dinner? Why does Ricky Bobby wanna go fast!?! WHAT IS THE CIRCUMFERENCE OF A CELL PHONE!? And am I bleeding again?

I feel woozy…

**Either you'll have to do the math yourself, or you'll have to review to find out what the circumference of a cell phone is! Remember! I even appreciate flames! Not everybody likes how I write, so tell me if you dooon't…**


	24. Phone Circumference&Things about Ryou

And now presenting… a double chapter! Have fun!

_It's time for sunny storytime, children! In our last happy tale, Bakura was mauled by the evil cat warrior, Maybelline! Then our brave side character Ryou fed placated said warrior-beast by feeding it! Now our protagonist battles unconsciousness while being attended to, and he suffers from his mind being… IN THE HAZE! Dun dun dun. IMPORTANT THINGS REVEAL THEMSELVES TO THE LIVING IN THIS CHAPTER! We start out with Bakura barely conscious._

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … Whoo-ee… That's a lot of ellipses… ellipses… eclipses… something is tipses! That's not a word… Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you? Wait, the best of who…? …I'M THE BEST AT EVERYTHING!

My pain HURTS… I mean my brain… I mean MY… my…

My, what is that _delightful _smell?

"Did you just say the word delightful?" Ryou peers at me. "And how are you writing in your little spiral notebook while you're unconscious?"

"Oranges Ryou… oranges…" I'm not sure I know what I'm saying… I'm seeing Ryou through slit eyes… if I sit up then what'll happen?

GAAAAAAAOOOOOW! BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN! I realized how much my back hurts. This is worse than the time Mako brought me home to meet his folks, and the band went marching home! …Wait, did that ever happen? I don't think so…

…My legs look like SHREDS of their former selves! They… they… they were MUTILATED BY THAT CAT! That's it! That cat is going on my blacklist!

…I need to write down my blacklist. As soon as I take a nap so I can hide in the unconscious abyss from my pain. (That sounds kind of emo….)

Well, I really don't jump around when I go to shows. (I don't go to a lot of shows, actually…) So I _could_ be eeeeeeemo…

:Later:

Ok! So while Ryou is changing the bandages on my legs, I'm going to write down my blacklist.

1. Pharaoh (duh)

2. Yugi (he called me an idiot earlier!)

3. Maybelline (the cat)

4. Pharaoh's leg hairs (together I think they make a person of their own)

5. Malik and Marik (they took my moose)

6. Guy down the street (he owes me money)

7. That lady that screams at traffic (I still have to pay her back for beating me in our last shouting match… NO ONE outscreams Bakura!)

So-o-o-o-o. Apparently what happened after I passed out (in a manly fashion) in the Ishtar home went a little something like this, according to Ryou:

I billowed to the ground like a sakura blossom plucked prematurely from its tree, my attacker hissing and spitting in derision. Then Ryou leapt to my aid, ready to defend my honor and armed with only his gi and a katana made out of hardened cat food. He swung the "kibble katana" at the beast's head, rendering it as unconscious as a (insert something ninja/samurai/shogun/feudal era-related here). Then, after the battle was won, Ryou dragged me ceremoniously to our refuge, our ancestral home at 12 Maple Syrup Street.

…Why was their (oops, typo) a sword made out of cat food? Does Ryou even OWN a gi? Isn't that a martial arts training outfit? I never see him work out, and he's not interested in martial arts.

"I wasn't really wearing a martial arts training outfit," the Ryous say. Yes, I'm seeing double now. Actually, more than double. There are five of them, and they all have pineapples for heads. I now have five pineapple headed hosts. Man, it's hard to focus on stuff. And Malik's here too… and a poster of the Grim Reaper, and… wait, a poster of the Grim Reaper?

O.O I'm not home! I'm in Malik's room! Moonlight filters into my abysmal soul releasing realization upon my tortured self! I _must_ be emo! HELP!

…I'm passing out again…

:Later:

I realized something while sleeping. Being how I am—a genius—I know. I know the circumference of a cell phone. The circumference of a cell phone is 2 times its radius, times pi. I'm not sure what the radius of a cell phone is, and pi isn't as tasty as when it has an e, but that doesn't matter. What _does _matter is that I'm in Malik's room.

Apparently, instead of dragging me home, Ryou merely carried me (in pansy fashion, 'cuz he's a pansy, pansy, PANSY) all of ten feet to Malik's room.

"Actually, I got Odion to do it."

Well, that's great. And STOP READING OVER MY SHOULDER, RYOU.

That was a message to Ryou, Jim Bob, not you. I'd erase it but… I only have a pen. :) But it's a new pen! I stole it from Malik. Woot!

**Meanwhile, in the 3****rd**** person…**

"…" Strings checked his watch. Bakura STILL wasn't out yet. Where was he? Strings sighed inaudibly, then began to see how well he could doodle on his face, since his arms were almost full of his conversations with Bakura. (Remember, Strings has been writing down everything he's wanted to "say.")

**Back in the mind of our favorite protagonist (if one can really call him that…)**

I feel like I'm in a haze… like when Mako kidnapped me and dragged me to his undersea castle. …Wait, was it a castle underseas?

…I'm pretty sure the answer is "yes."

Didn't it go something like this, Jim Bob?

"_Under the sea!" Mako sang. "Under the sea!" All of the dead fish on those plaques he had started la la la-ing. "Life is much better, down where it's wetter, WHY DO YOU GET ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD!?"_

Why did the music change? Did my subconscious forget the words to the song?

"Malik! Turn that down! Can't you tell Bakura has a headache? And for goodness' sakes, Nine Inch Nails?" Ryou scolds Malik. Then he adds, in a hushed voice he doesn't think I can hear, "…At least play Eminem."

"NO!" I scream. "NOT EMINEMMSS!"

Ryou takes a step back. "…I don't understand this part of the fic," he says, turning to Malik. "What is that a reference to, that S on the end of Eminem?"

"Well," Malik explains, "there was this joke on the internet or something, where this guy pretended to call up Eminem, and pissed him off. 'Eminem' would reply with bits from… I think it was just from one song, but anyway, the guy called Eminem 'Eminems,' and some people thought it was funny." Malik looks around as if somebody is listening.

"Oh, so that explains that reference," Ryou said, nodding appreciatively. "Now everyone can understand that—uhm, joke." He's looking at me. "Uhm… everyone… in this room, that is." He kneels down. "So, uhm… we should probably change his bandages again."

"He can hear you, you know."

"Well, let's just pretend he's unconscious," Ryou says sarcastically. "It'll be fun."

"I can hear you, you know," I say, glaring, "and I don't even remember why I came over here."

"Ah-ah-ah! Unconscious people don't talk!" Ryou says, shaking his finger. I glare and chomp the air near him.

"The mime you were hanging out with told me that you came here to try to figure out how to rescue Ryou from the Shadow Realm," Malik says.

"There's a mime outside?" Ryou asks. "Really?"

Oh. I'd forgotten how much he likes mimes. Cool. Now he won't do the whole 'Aw-Bakura-I-didn't-know-you-cared' routine.

"And Bakura?"

"Yeah?"

Ryou FLUTTERS his EYELASHES. "I didn't know you cared," he says in his most feminine voice, making Malik laugh. I hope Malik is laughing _at _Ryou, instead of with… holy Ra he's laughing at ME! Dang it!

"What are these on my legs? WHY AM I WEARING BARNEY STICKERS!?"

"Those aren't stickers, they're band-aids," Ryou points out. …Wait a minute, I don't remember thinking that in quotation marks! "You're talking out loud again."

"The mime says you've been doing that ever since you arrived at the museum," Malik says.

"How would he know? He didn't come in with m— Wait a second. He TALKED to YOU!?!?"

Stupid mime!!

**Later!**

Ryou is helping me walk out of the Ishtars' place. Yeah, he's helping me. Yeah, I'm admitting it. Heck, I'll even admit that I _need _help; my legs are _covered _with fine red lines. Actually, scratch that; those scratches aren't lines, they're _gauges. _…Wait, I spelled that wrong. It's gouges, isn't it? Ah… the dramatic effect is gone.

This sucks. My legs hurt like hell and I can barely put any of my weight on them without my whole body cringing. I wish this were Ryou's body instead of mine.

…Oh. Wait. :)

"Ryou?" I begin innocently enough.

"Yeah?"

"When I sent you to the Shadow Realm, I was using your body, and you were just a voice in my head. So now, even though you have your own body, I'm still in your original one."

"Huh?" Ryou looks weary, for some reason. ...Am I really that fat? I mean I know I'm kinda jus' putting all my weight on him, but come on! "Oh… yeah. I suppose you're right, Bakura. So technically that's my body that got scratched up." He glances downward, where his favorite pair of jeans have been transmogrified into tattered capris. (I actually suspect they are girl pants, but they're comfy, so I don't mind when he wears them.)

"…Well." Ryou eyes my left knee, which is still bleeding a little. "Do you want to, you know, stay in control of my body for a little while longer?"

"Uh, nooo?" I say bluntly in my Valley Girl voice. (Can you BE blunt and talk like a Valley Girl at the same time? Um, I don't knooow?)

"Dang."

Jim Bob, I may throw Ryou back into control of his own body at any moment, so I'm sorry if I cut off abruptly. I'm grasping the Millennium Ring, ready to do just so in a minute, when Ryou DROPS me onto the hard pavement!

"A mime!" he shouts. Just shouts. Then he says it again, excited. "A _mime_!"

Oh boy.

Strings looks up, his eyes bright and frozen like a deer in a headlight—er, not IN a headlight, but in the light FROM the headlight, you know. And like a mime caught in the spotlight, (not IN it, but you know) he freezes. And doesn't move. Like a… mime. And Ryou eats it up.

Confused, Jim Bob? Maybe it would help if I explained, just for you, Jim Bob, my trusty notebook. In the past (Author's note: Meaning in Yu-Gi-Oh manga #12) Ryou saw Strings before. And he acted like Strings was one of those royal guard people in London… And you know what Ryou said?

"Boo!" Ryou leaps at Strings and raises his arms in a semi-Frankenstein-ish fashion. Then he sort of freezes that way and looks at Strings questioningly.

Strings doesn't even blink. T.T Not this again with the not moving!

"Look, Bakura! It's a funny man. Should I play with him?" Ryou quips.

o.O "A _Luigi's Mansion _quote?" I ask.

"Why not?" Ryou says, turning to smile. I see a countdown on his lips. "5… 3… BOO!" he screams as he twists around to see the response he's earned from Strings. And yes, he does look like an idiot. That's the thing about Ryou; sometimes he draws attention to himself. Usually, he's a well-mannered, quiet, inconspicuous, shy, awkward nincompoop of a teenager. IDEAL for body-snatching. Think of Yugi. Why else do you think the Pharaoh dotes on him? Because Yugi is all those things I just listed. And those things make up the perfect host. And if you accept this as a rule, then the whole thing with Malik and his other half fighting on the Battle City blimp makes sense—Malik is _not _well-mannered, shy, OR quiet, although he can blend in pretty well with a crowd if he wants to, (which is pretty amazing, given his fashion choices,) so he CAN be inconspicuous. But mostly he's not. So, he's not a good vessel. And that's why there was conflict between him and his other half. Pay attention, Jim Bob, this is all very true.

I am not pulling this off the top of my head or out of my (very bad)butt or from any other body part you pull things from. Under these guidelines, Ryou's basically a good host, except that under certain conditions, he gets excited about something. His eyes light up and the corners of his mouth are pulled up as if by a string, and he acts goofy, and therefore he isn't inconspicuous or awkward or shy, and is therefore temporarily a terrible host… AND an idiot. This happens with Yugi, too, but the idiocy of his friends absorbs his own and negates the effect.

So, under certain conditions, Ryou is a dummy. One of these conditions is when he is in the presence of a mime.

"Boo!" Ryou tries again. This time he twirls around and touches his nose, grinning shyly. And he thinks this will help him get Strings to move… how? O.oV (That 'V' is a sweat drop, Jim Bob. Just so you know!)

"Boo! Boo! Boo! Nyeeah! Meow!" Suddenly in a booming voice: "Ryoma, become Seigaku's pillar of support!" Then in a normal voice (if you can call it normal) "Nyaaaaa! Boo! Boo! Hiss!"

…Siiiigh…

One time in London, he was in front of the… London Guard people? Is that what they're called? The people with the big hats that don't move. Anyway, to get them to move, he pretended he was about to take a gun out of his jacket while screaming "I've got a gun!!!" The guard kicked him in the balls (ooh, PG-13!) and twisted Ryou's arms behind his back, and all my baka no host could think to say was "You moved!!! HA!" …Yes, he is an idiot.

Ryou stares deeply into Strings' glossy eyes. "….ALASHAZAM!"

Strings rolls his eyes. Tired of staying frozen for this git, he lets loose and pulls out a ciggy. (That's a cigarette, not a signature.) Slowly, he draws it to his lips, then blows out a puff of smoke. Remember, Jim Bob: if you smoke, you'll look like a mime. And that's bad.

Ryou, after informing me that he might be magic because saying "alashazam" made this mime move, decides that saying "alashazam" makes ALL mimes moves, so he isn't magic because he can't be magic because he says "I've never been able to do magic before, except for make magically DELICIOUS scrambled eggs!" So now he thinks Alashazam makes mimes move. (Alliteration, ooooh!) I need to use this information to humiliate him…

"Hey," Ryou says, realizing the obvious and the bizarre. "You've got weasels on your face."

Strings blinks.

"I mean," Ryou says innocently, blushing, "you've got writing on your face."

This is true. Strings' are limbs already littered with what he's limned on them since yesterday. ('Limned' is a sweet word for 'described!' Woot! No, wait, I think that deserves two zeroes in the woot: W00t! I'm cool and descriptive, Jim Bobbio!) There are sentences snaking down his arms, and there are even a few words written sloppily on his cheeks, as well as a decorative drawing of a lion while I runny nose I doodled on his forehead last night. (He has no idea. It's hilarious.)

You should understand, J-Bob, that outside of Little Mimetown a mime like Strings looks rather ridiculous, and when you add in the fact that he's got writing all over his face, he looks like a _complete _dork. He he he…

H-HA HA HA! Hah… that's hysterical. Excuse me, Jim Bob, I need to wipe away a tear.

NO I'M NOT CRYING! Stupid ugly notebook. That's right, I called you the u-word! And you are! You've got moles drawn in sharpie on your back! I should know! I drew them! I… dang, talking to a notebook makes me feel like I'm on Aqua Teen Hunger Force… … … … Man, I hope I'm not Shake. …Actually, I guess the way I've been acting lately, I've kind of been like Shake… Have I? Oh. Well, I'm sorry, Jim Bob. Here, I'll hug you. Awww, you feel better now:) Good.

"What are you two staring at??!" I snap. Ryou and Strings are gaping at me. I mean, really gaping at me! Their maws are touching the ground. Geez!

"You a—You APOLOGIZED to a notebook!" Ryou stammers, as Strings holds up a sign in true Genma Saotome fashion with the words _You called me a dork! _splashed as angrily as they can be across it. I must've been "writing aloud" again.

"Hey, uh…" I think I might be blushing. Just a little. Barely. Not really. Ryou's still gaping, and Strings looks ticked. And I don't like the way he's brandishing that picket sign. "…Where did you get that sign?" I ask, attempting to change the subject. Strings points to the external wall of the museum, where four more signs are leaning against the brick. They all say _You called me a dork! _on them. That's weird. I didn't think there was a market for those kind of signs. What is this, Ranma ½? "Oh," I say.

Thunder rumbles. A droplet falls. You get wet. A fly flies into Ryou's mouth. He swallows it without realizing it. Eesh. This paragraph is random.

"Hey," Ryou says, and then he stares into space for exactly ten seconds, before realizing "it's raining."

"Naw, really," I say. Idiot. "Why don't you—"

TTFN Jim Bob!

…_Ok, so nothing important really happened in this chapter. So SUE ME! Or review me. Preferably the latter. Know what I've got? A stick of gum. And it's not even mine; my mom gave it to me. So that's how much I own. Ha. Oh, and I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, so you can't sue me for that either. I also don't own Nine Inch Nails, they're song "All the Love in the World," the Emo song, Eminem (Slim Shady would be kind of weird to keep as a pet, huh? He'd probably bite), the Little Mermaid, or any Barney band-aids. And for the second part of the fic, I don't own Luigi's Mansion, the quote "You've got weasels on your face" (which is from Weird Al's Albuquerque), the phrase "Ryoma, become Seigaku's pillar of support!" (which is from Prince of Tennis), Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Master Shake, Ranma ½ and/or Genma Saotome._


	25. But nobody WANTS the GummiStars!

Anyway… so I finished my last Advanced Placement test today for school. Wheeew. Anyway, so in celebration of me finishing it, and because I probably should update this now, I will… update this now. :) Enjoy.

Chapter 25: The chapter after chapter 24…

…and before chapter 26, if you review enough for there to be one. :P

_And the chapter begins in 3… 2… 1…_

Hey, Jim Bob, don't be mad that I cut you off. I warned you that I'd be going back to the Millennium Ring for awhile. Luckily, Ryou didn't throw you away. Actually… when I awoke, (meaning that I got to take over Ryou's body again, while he was in the ring,) I was in Malik's bedroom and my hair had been French braided. Aye-yi-yi. Oh, and somebody had just _dumped _peroxide on my legs, and they were stinging like Ra had a million bees sting them. Gah. …Were there bees in Egypt? Probably...

So, then I shoved Marik hard. "What were you_ doing _to my hair!?" I screeched at him. He just looked at me like _I _was the crazy one that writes in notebooks and talks out loud and… oh. I turned to Malik and gave him a Super-Glare™. (That's a trademark. If you use it, I'll… egg your house, or something. I dunno. Wait a second, you're a notebook. You're not going to use it, are you? I can trust you, probably.)

Malik was draped across his bed, watching Seinfeld on his PSP. How? Dunno. "Ha, ha… Kramer is so funny…" he laughed. He paused, and said in a serious voice, "Although _not when he's _not _on Seinfeld,_" he says. "Actually, let's cut this controversial part out of the story."

"What story?" Ishizu called from another room.

"The story of our _lives,_" he elucidated. I launched a pillow towards his head. "Hey! …What is it, Bakura?"

"MY HAIR IS BRAIDED!!" I screamed. I screamed so loudly that Ishizu poked her head into the hallway outside of Malik's room to see if she could get a glimpse of what was going on. "WHY DID YOU—"

"Dude, Ryou braided his own hair that way," Malik said calmly.

"Oh dear," I said, slapping my forehead. …Owch. "Ryou, we need to talk."

_Yeah Bakura?_

"You _braided _your _hair_," I said pointedly.

…_Excuse me?_

"You 'got your hair did,'" I said, trying to speak his language and the language of this idol he calls Mis-sy El-li-ott.

_No I didn't, _he denied. _That mime guy did my hair. He asked me when I was going to pay him, and I said I didn't know what he was talking about, and that I couldn't afford to pay him now, but that I would see if I could keep him on after our first sunflower harvest. But then he grabbed me roughly by the hair, braided it, and stormed off. I'm kind of afraid for whoever runs into him. I wouldn't want to cross his path. _

"How bad can a belligerent mime be?" I replied, rolling my eyes.

_But what if that mime is rolling around in a fast car with "The Truth" by Limp Bizkit playing really loudly from his radio? That would be scary, Bakura. Especially with all his face piercings, he'd look really creepy. He'd grimace, and the lyrics would be screaming "Deliver me from evil!" and he'd go off a ramp and over a building or something. Then he would crash, and "The Boiler" would start playing as he emerged from all the rubble and stuff. _

"Yeah, that would be badbutt," I admit. At least Ryou didn't imagine Strings crashing a car while Missy Elliott was playing or something.

_Bad WHAT?_

"Nothing," I muttered.

_No, bad… bad WHAT? …Oh, and Bakura, I meant to ask you, what's with the shirt that you're wearing? It makes you… it's just… it's like a… um… it doesn't suit you. Or me._

"Well, it would suit your girlishness if you had the butt to back it up," I explained with a sigh. Malik quickly tore his gaze away from his PSP to stare at me like a meerkat. And this is where I am now.

"What the _heck _are you talking about?" Malik asks. "Are you talking about your shirt again? 'Cuz yeah, you don't really have much of a butt." He flicks his hair behind his ears.

"Hey, my body is a temple!" I say, pouting. He rolls his eyes.

"Oh yeah, and that just makes your butt so big automatically," he says sarcastically. "Your jeans are… what? A size -15 million? Yeah, your butt's astounding." He pauses, looking into the air. "How come nobody seems to say the a-word? We all seem to be trying to avoid it… So, anyhoo, I'm sorry about your pants being clawed up by my cat. But at least there's still enough material left to cover this 'huge' butt you seem to have."

That's not what I said! He's making stuff up now. ;-; I'll tell 'im off, Jim Bob! Watch me!

I open my mouth. "But I never really said that I _had_ a—"

_I bet you had to jump up and down just to put 'em on… _

Ryou, shut up.

_Bet you had to wiggle it around just to put 'em on…_

Please stop.

_Bet you had to lay back on the bed jus' ta zip 'em up…_

I said please!

_Ok. _

"I… don't… big… uh… Do you wanna go to the movies?" I say, suddenly in need for a distraction.

Malik blinks. "Huh?"

I roll my eyes. "I _said_, 'do you wanna go to the movies?'"

"…Um…" He looks at me like I'm crazy. (Which I am _not, _thank you very much.)

"Not on a DATE, you idiot!"

"Oh. Well then sure. But…" Malik starts to count off on his fingers. "It's raining and you can't walk and I don't have enough money for SourJacks _and _Twizzlers."

"Well, they're giving away coupons so that you can get the GummiStars for free when you buy a combo."

"Those are only for people with those Movie Watcher's points. And besides, I don't like the GummiStars!"

"Yeah, neither do anybody else. Everybody leaves those coupons in the bathroom by the sinks for other people to pick up."

"…But if I _do _get them, I'll finish them before the movie stars."

"I thought you said you didn't like them all that much."

Malik waves me away. "Irrelevant," he states. "It's free candy." Then he adds, "I can't believe you were hanging out with my former mindslave."

"Yeah, I know," I say, looking around. I could've sworn Malik used to have a TV in his room, but maybe Marik blew it up.

"Weird." Malik says. His hair his hanging in his eyes. Giiiirly! Eesh, my bangs keep hanging in my eyes. My host needs a haircut. I wonder what Ryou would look like with a buzzcut?

…

XD

…Wait, that would make me look stupid too. But still…

XD

"I wonder what he's doing now?" Malik says, still talking about Strings, in case you were confused.

"Don't you still have some kind of connection or something with him, left over from your romp in Battle City?" I ask.

"…Actually, I thought I killed him off or something else 4Kids-unfriendly," he answers. "I don't really remember… I wonder what he's up to."

"Hm… So what did you do this weekend?" I ask. I don't want to talk about mimes because of Ryou. …I'll explain later.

"I went to Mount Fuji, and then came back home and made prank phone calls with Marik," he says.

"You went to Mount Fuji??" I ask. I am asking a lot of things.

"What? No… the restaurant." (A/N: My penpal, MAIDEN OF TIME AND SPACE, said she was going to Mount Fuji for her birthday, and then going back home. And I'm like, "o.O The REAL Mt. Fuji?" And she said, "Nah, the restaurant." Heh.)

"Oh. Cool." I sigh. "…I'm bored."

"Yeah," Malik agrees. "So, let's go see if Odion will give us a ride to the movies. All of this silence is making me lose my mind," he says.

_Y'all gonna make me lose my mind,/up in here, up in here! _

Shut up Ryou!

_Y'all gonna make me act a fool,/up in here, up in here!_

…Shut up Ryou!

_T.T You're really mean… _

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODION!" Malik screams, permanently damaging my ears before I get the chance to clap my hands over them.

"GEEZ! Warn me next time," I say. Odion's bald head appears as summoned. What a tool.

"What is it?" Odion asks. He adds in a low voice "you little shrimp." Heh, I bet he doesn't think I can hear him… I have blackmail on him now! Woot! Something to make this day rock.

"Can you drive us to the movies?" Malik asks innocently. Odion rolls his eyes, says yes, grabs me roughly by the arm and drags me into his truck.

:Later:

You know, it is fun to look at the raindrops when they're on the car windows. The lights outside make them look like they're different colors. I especially like the way the red stoplights make them look… It's like there is blood splashed all over the car:-D Woo1

…Oops, I forgot to shift the 1. …Wait a second, I'm not typing this. … O.o;;;

"…Hey! There's Strings!" Malik says, pointing.

"Where?"

"Just outside the police station!"

"Oooh, cool…" I press my face up against the window. And there he is! There's Strings! In front of the Domino City Trinity Police Station. Neat-o. I wonder what he's there for. Maybe that daffy police offier arrested Strings for being a cow, ha ha. Remember when that happened, Jim Bob? Hilarious… And the police thought I was a cattle rustler, which is cool, 'cuz cattle rustlers are cool.

Now a limo is blocking my view. -.- … O.O It's Kaiba's limo! And the song on his radio is…!

"I DON'T LIKE IT UNLESS IT'S (BRAND NEW)!"

o.o It's like that dream I had a few chapters ago—er, I mean yesterday! IT'S SERIOUSLY PLAYING IN HIS CAR! Oh my Osiris, I'm _psychic!_

"You're talking aloud again, is what you're doing," Malik mutters. "That doesn't make you a psychic. But you ARE psycho… 'cuz I say so. …That rhymes, kinda."

I scoff. "You're lame," I say, because he is.

"Shut up. Once I had a dream that Yugi would defeat me and take my Slifer, but you don't hear me going on about it."

"That's because you lost _horribly _to Yugi and the blasted Pharaoh," I point out, "and a bit of your manhood died that day."

"…………………………….._Shut up,_" Marik hisses, and then he turns and gives me the cold shoulder. I shrug and look back out the window, straining to discern what's past the raindrop-laden glass. I wonder if Strings feels weird, 'cuz I'm looking at him through the glass, don't know how much time has passed… all I know is that it feels like forever… No one ever tells you that forever feels like home… I don't want to live in this car. If I did, and I tried to spill my ramen on Malik, it might get on me, too, because this car is too confined. So when is this stoplight going to change from red??

"They say your attitude determines your latitude," Kaiba's car sings out. That would explain why Kaiba's obsessed with blimps, since they're high in… wait, that's not latitude, that's _altitude. _Huh. Yeah, the blimp was pretty high up, though, so I guess Kaiba's got attitude…

_He very much does have an attitude_, Ryou agrees. _He's the type of person you love to hate, but can't—because you love what he makes._

"Stop singing. Hey! Are you saying I love Kaiba?" I growl in a voice that makes everybody in the car turn and stare at me, including Odion, who is _supposed _to be watching the road and noticing that the light has turned green and that the car behind us is honking at us and just now bumped into the back of Odion's truck really hard.

…Yeah, he should've noticed that. Now what are we going to do?

**Find out in the next interesting installment OF: The Pharaoh's Corrupting Our Schools! Chapter 26: Domino City Trinity Police Force!!**

I don't own "Dem Jeans," "Party Up," "Brand New," "Through The Glass," "Boiler," or "The Truth." And those are just the SONGS I don't own in this chapter! What makes you think I own anything other than the plot? Well? WELL?

Leave a review or Strings will come and braid your hair—painfully! You don't want to find out how bad a belligerent mime can be.

PLEASE tell me how you think this is!! I won't update unless I get… um… let's say 4 reviews. That sounds good.


	26. Domino City Trinity Police Force!

Hey hey! You you! I don't like your girlfriend! I think you need a new one! …I MEAN… So, I would've updated yesterday, but the server was down.

READ THIS NOTE, IT'S IMPORTANT! In this chapter I'm going to do something I tried to do in another chapter, but decided there weren't enough outside references to do it, like the Avril Lavigne reference I just made. Sooo… my sister and mom are huge Gilmore Girls fans, and I'm not. But I know that there is a mode that you can select when watching the DVD. In this mode, every time they make a reference to something, something pops up explaining the reference. Since there are TONS of outside references in this fanfiction, I thought it might be fun to try, even though I've never watched the way it's done on the Gilmore Girls DVD.

This might be annoying, but I am aware that this story is very confusing, and I KNOW that people who read this have to have at least read ONE thing and thought, "What the heck?? What's she mean by THAT??" So, yeah. I'll try to put even more outside references in this chapter than usual. So here we go! If you want to skip over the explanations, just skip over anything like _**this.**_

Chapter 26: Domino City Trinity Police Force!!

Bakura's P.O.V.

Odion's getting out of the car. Malik and I are peering through the back window and… geez! The guy who slammed into our bumper, had somebody slam into _his _bumper, and that person had somebody slam into _their _bumper! And a bum vomited next to a stop sign nearby! And a woman is going into labor on the corner! And a thug is stealing a toddler's lollipop! You couldn't cause such a devastating massacre if Dethklok went on tour here. **1 **…Ok, so that's not true, nobody's dead.But I can dream, can't I?

_**1. Dethklok is a band from the brutal cartoon Metalocalypse. Wherever they go, hundreds of people die for seemingly random reasons.**_

…Whaddya mean I can't dream?!!? Jim _Bob… _I'm getting miffed at you. (Yeah, MIFFED! DEAL with it!!)

So… Odion gets out of the car, trying to look cool like a cowboy. Why a cowboy? I don't know. Cowboys aren't really all that cool… especially not Woody from Toy Story. And the guy behind us gets out of the car, too.

He's a ninja. O.O

"Kuro-tan!" comes a voice from inside the car. "I told you not to tail so closely!"

'Kuro-tan' looks miffed, too. "STOP GIVING ME THOSE RIDICULOUS PET NAMES!" he screams. "I just wanna find Sakura's feather and get OUT of this world!"

"Ahem." Kuro-tan looks at Odion, who just cleared his throat, which you would know if you were paying attention.

"What?? You've never seen a ninja before??" Kuro-tan glares. Odion rolls his eyes, as if he's _way _too cool for this ninja person.

"That's nothing special," Odion says. "I am ninja, you are ninja, she is ninja, too!" **2**

_**2. It's the theme song for the popular podcast, "Ask A Ninja".**_

"…" Kuro-tan gapes at Odion. "An entire world made of ninja?"

Suddenly a white pork-bun comes and sucks that ninja into his mouth. O.O;; Along with the car, that guy who called the ninja Kuro-tan, another boy and a young girl.

"It's like watching a messed up anime," Malik says. **3**

_**3. The characters and nicknames are from Tsubasa, an anime.**_

Odion continues to look buff as other people get out of their cars. Since it is basically his fault we've got a small car pile-up here, Odion is trying to look as tough and badass as possible so that nobody will mess with him. Unfortunately for him, some people are already heading to the police department, which is RIGHT NEXT to us.

"One of you head into the police station," he growls at us, "and go tell them that is was… Kaiba's fault."

He points to Kaiba's limo, which is stopped next to us even though they should be going 'cause it's a green light. His car is no longer "brand new." Instead, now it's blasting something else:

"Catch me in a house with a 100 floors, Benz with 100 doors, walkin' out the Grammies with 100 awards," his radio blasts. **4**

_**4. This is the song "Datz on My Mama" by Nelly and Taylor Made.**_

"People will hate him 'cuz he's rich," Odion insists, "and he'll just pay off the police."

"Let's go into the station," Malik says. "Looks out for zombies."

"Whatever, Claire," I say back.** 5**

_**5. In Resident Evil 2, Claire has to get to a police station, narrowly avoiding zombies to get there.**_

3rd person time!

Inside the police station was Officer Barbrady. Officer Barbrady suffered from depression, and not just because he hated his job (he had the same attitude about his job that a chemistry teacher had about _his _job; he'd rather be talking about last week's episode of _House_) **6 **or because he hated his coworkers (although luckily the volunteer sheriff's deputy, Dwight, recently quit… only to find out that he was never really part of the force in the first place). **7** It was because he hated the people he dealt with everyday.

Right now, he was 'talking' to a mime.

_**6. My chemistry teacher would rather talk about house than teach. **_

_**7. This is a reference to one of my favorite TV shows, "The Office." In a deleted scene, Dwight quits the police force, and the policemen there say that he was never a part of it.**_

Back to Bakura!

"Hey! It's Strings!" Malik says, pulling on my shirt.

"I can SEE that," I say. "What's he saying?"

"Nothing," Malik says as if I were a moron, "he's a mime, moron."

Strings was gesturing wildly and holding a sunflower out towards the policeman. He had a large sign that read, as if it were just one in a long list of signs, "…And then they told me to wait until after their first sunflower harvest!" **8**

_**8. A few chapters ago Ryou told Strings he would pay him after the first successful sunflower harvest. This is a reference to the movie "The Messengers," where they take on a farmhand and say they'll pay him after their first sunflower harvest. I'd just watched it when I wrote that chapter.**_

"Since you guys didn't make a contract, there's nothing I can do," the policeman says. …He looks a lot like that guy from South Park. Same name, too. "And since you're a mime, don't even think about suing. It'll just be too difficult."

Another sign that Strings holds up: Everyone's been talkin' all this stuff about me/why don't they just let me live?/I don't need permission to make my own decision (OH!) …It's my prerogative! **9**

_**9. From Britney Spears' "My Prerogative"**_

"So you want to sue?"

Another sign: "YES!"

"Hey," says Officer Barbrady suddenly, "you've got weasels on your face… I mean, writing."

"I want to sue you!" screams Weird Al. **10**

_**10. Weird Al sung a "song" called "Albuquerque," and in the song the first thing his true love says to him is "Hey—you've got weasels on your face." **_

"D'oh!" says the officer.

"Now _I _want to sue you!" says a small boy with a spiky, uh… head. Is that hair?

"That's MY line, boy! I'll kill you!" A fat man with a donut grabs the boy and begins to strangle him. **11**

_**11. It's Bart and Homer from the Simpsons.**_

"This is boring," Malik says. "Let's go upstairs and see what's going on. What do you think?"

"You keep asking me questions—I feel like I'm in a _Choose Your Own Adventure _novel," I shoot back. "…Not that I've ever read one of those."

"Right. Let's go!" Malik grabs my hand.

"What are you DOING?"

"Eh? …Oh don't flatter yourself. I just thought you were taller and that I'd be grabbing your wrist. Shorty."

"I'm TALLER than you! And I AIN'T your shorty!"

"...Oh please," he says, rolling his eyes, even though he _is _shorter than me. Wacko.

We creep upstairs and peek into a room labeled "Domino City Trinity Police Force! - Lounge". Inside are two officers. There's a Spanish one sitting on a couch, watching a tennis match on the magic box, AKA TV. On TV, there's an angel fighting a demon with tennis. Or something like that. It's a girl playing against some guy who's licking his lips and crazily reminding me of Marik.

"That girl's hot," says the policeman. Another officer comes in—it looks like one of the guys who chased me for being a cattle rustler earlier this week!

"That's a _boy, _Luis."

"WHAT! Nuh-uh! Shut up, Kennedy!" **12 & 13**

_**12 & 13. The anime is Prince of Tennis, and it's Fuji (the one who Luis is mistaking for a girl) having a match with Kirihara in episode 124. They were compared in the series to an angel fighting a demon. What a VAGUE reference. Luis and Kennedy are Luis Sera and Leon Kennedy from Resident Evil 4. I love them. :)**_

"It's true," Leon says. "…You're a sucker for guys, aren't you?"

Luis sweat drops. "You're disgusting."

"Am not!" Leon said after shoving twenty donuts in his mouth at once. …..Ew, yes he IS!

Wait a minute, Jim Bob. If it's the Domino City Trinity Police Force, then that means there's three. Where's the third person?

…There he is. A yellow man in a police outfit comes out. The yellow thing isn't to say he's Asian or anything—I mean, his skin is yellow. **14**

_**14. Chief Wiggums from the Simpsons.**_

"Ok, boys, we've got a 10-80 near the Domino City high school," this man says.

"A 10-80, Wiggums?" Leon says in disbelief, after swallowing the massive… mass of donut in his mouth in one gulp.

"You mean…?" Luis gapes in horror.

"Yes! Somebody got angry over a card game and is attacking their opponent with their leg hairs!"

"They have _codes _for that?" Malik whispers.

"_Leg hair _attacks?" I whisper back. "That sounds like…"

"THE PHARAOH!" we shout at the same time, and we scuttle off before the policemen can catch us.

LATER!

It is now later, Jim Bob, as you should've been able to discern by reading the last line. Malik and I ran all the way to Ryou's high school, where he sits through those boring math classes at seven-thirty in the morning. Poor schmuck. Anyway, just as we thought, the Pharaoh is there, wailing at Yami Marik!

Apparently the Pharaoh actually lost in a game of Go Fish, and when Y/M (that's his street name) went to claim the God Cards, (because God Cards work in Go Fish too, you see,) the Pharaoh's leg hairs elongated and become prehensile and challenged Y/M! And then Y/M's nose hairs began to grow! And now it's a battle! For some reason, this reminds me of an anime. 'Cuz, you know, only an anime would have a guy battle with body hair. -.- **15**

_**15. BoBoBo-Bo Bo-BoBo**_

"Super Leg Hair attack!" The Pharaoh screams, and his leg hairs shoot out like needles, all aimed toward Y/M's neck.

"Nose Hair Shield!" Y/M's nose hairs form a matted shield in front of his face! The washed-up Pharaoh's attacks are useless!

But the Pharaoh's laughing.

"I didn't think I would have to use _this,_" he says, chuckling, "but I need to take you out! –TO DINNER!"

"O.O WHAT!?" Y/M, Malik and I all scream.

The Pharaoh laughs. "You fell for it! SUPER DISTRACTED ATTACK! LLLLEG HAIR ATTACK!"

-.- This battle is so stupid.

"YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!" Leon and Luis jump onto the scene, rolling like they just jumped out of a moving car. In fact, Luis rolls right past the Pharaoh and Y/M, and keeps going until he lands in a prickly bush.

"OW!"

Leon, however, has leapt to his feet. "Freeze!"

"Why?" Y/M challenges.

"Because… I'VE JUST THOUGHT OF THE PERFECT WAY TO BEAT YOUR OPPONENTS AT FOOTBALL!"

Everyone _does _freeze.

"How?" the Pharaoh asks, awed.

Leon declares, "Everybody has to get naked!"

We look dubious, I think, because he adds, "Come on!/How they gonna tackle you with no pants on?" **16**

_**16. A reference to one of the funniest songs by Eminem and D12, "My Ballz," a song about football (really).**_

"…That's brilliant," Malik admits.

"You sicko," I snap at him. "First you grab my hand, then you—"

"AHA!" Chief Wiggums leaps out onto the scene. "Come on in, boys, we're taking in this clown for kidnapping a kid for his Duel Monsters cards!" He's handcuffed to a freaky-looking clown, and Joey is standing next to them, looking frightened. **17**

_**17. A few chapters ago, Joey was dragged into the sewers by a clown, which is a reference to "It" by Stephen King. I've never read the book and I've only seen a tiny bit of the movie, but I thought it was funny anyway. I thought I might want to bring Joey back, so now Joey is saved. :)**_

"You know what?" Malik says, glaring at me. "I'm bored. I'm going home, since you keep making fun of me. Besides, soon it'll be—"

"IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!" Marik screams, suddenly in a banana costume. Who does he think he is, Shuichi Shindou? **18 & 19**

_**18 & 19. The "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" is from Family Guy, and Shuichi Shindou is from Gravitation. He dresses up in a banana costume for no apparent reason at one point. **_

"Let's go home," Malik says to Marik, as if Marik wasn't about to be arrested. "We'll take the bus."

"What if God was one of us?" Marik queried. "Just a slob like one of us?/Just a stranger on the bus—"

"Don't quote that song, the author's getting tired of inserting all these explanations," Malik said.

Who's the author? The author of what?

"I hope the bus doesn't go _demon speeding,_" Marik says.

"Don't you add in a Rob Zombie song! I SAID THE AUTHOR'S TIRED!"

Whatever. I'll go with them, too. Wait, what about the movies? Hm… I can make Marik carry me to the movies from his house! Mwahahahhahahaha! Nah, just kidding, that would be awkward.

"Wait! But you're under arrest!" Leon shouts, just as Marik and Malik scale a fence and rush out of sight. "Ohhh… So much for my happy ending!"

Is that an Avril Lavigne song, or some naughty Dave Chappelle reference? You decide, Jim Bob.

"HEY! WAIT UP!" I scream. How the hell did I run all the way to Domino High School if my legs are so beat up, you wonder, Jim Bob?

…I had Malik carry me. Yeah, it was awkward, and he got annoyed, but it was worth it just so that I could know for sure that the Pharaoh's leg hairs ARE alive. …I think they're going to give me nightmares… (Just kidding—Thief Kings never get nightmares!)

"MALIK COME AND CARRY ME!"

Like a tool, he turns around and comes to get me. Then he THROWS me over the f e nse (sorry I messed up; I wrote that while in midair) and Y/M catches me ROUGHLY. GEEZ!

"Where to?" Y/M asks, grinning.

_So… was that too uber-annoying? It seemed kind of annoying. Review and tell me if it was annoying. _

_**ONE MORE DAY UNTIL MY JUNIOR YEAR IS OVERRRR!**__ (dances outRAGEously!) No more 1__st__ period math! So leave a review to further gladden my spirits, or Bakura and Malik may never get to see their movie!_


	27. That's not really a codeword

_-.- Sorry about this chapter. It could be better, yeah. I thought I was going to post this up just before I left for camp, but I guess I didn't. Reading back, though… It's not TOO bad. But this next chapter? Much better. :)_

"Let go of me!" I snap at Y/M. Jim Bob, sometimes you gotta show these crazies who da boss is. …I want a t-shirt that says that. "Who da boss!?" Then underneath it, it would say, "_I _da boss!!" It would be cool.

Marik drops me on the ground. Owch! Gravel! Why do I keep getting hurt, lately, anyway?

"Hey! You!" That policeman is still screaming. …Hey, did the sun go out? …No, it's just a shadow; someone's scaling the fence and trying to leap nimbly over me… (Which doesn't mean they're measuring the fence's weight. It means they're CLIMBING the fence. There's an SAT vocabulary word for you, Jim Bob!)

OW! Somebody just stepped on my NECK!

"Thank you, peasant, for aiding me, the Pharaoh, by being my stepping stone," says the pompous ass. (Guess who THAT is. No, really, guess. It's REALLY hard to figger out.)

"You stepped on my NECK!" I snap.

The Pharaoh blinks. "Bakura?"

"Yes, it's me. You stepped on my NECK!" (See, that wasn't so hard to guess, was it, Jim Bob?)

"You stepped on his neck," Y/M informs him.

"You stepped on my NECK!"

"Oh." He blinks his 'regal' eyes again. He looks retarded. "Well, sacrifices must be made for the greater good." The greater good!? That was my NECK!

"Hey! Stay where you are!" That fat policeman commands from the other side. The wooden fence next to us lurches a little. It sounds like the man is trying to knock the fence over with his fat instead of scaling it! o.o _Lazy. _

"Let's go," Marik says, yawning. We walk away at a leisurely pace.

"Hey! We're arresting two of you!" o.O Oh really?

Malik snorts. "Fatasses."

o-o When did we start using the a-word? Oh well.

So, Y/M, Malik, and I head out into the sunset. I limp.

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiit's 3rd person time!

The Pharaoh glared at the backs of his enemies. They were up to something, he just knew it. But what? What were they scheming?

"So what movie are we seeing?" Malik asked innocently. "Bakura, don't lean on me."

"It's YOUR cat's fault I can't walk right," spits the tomb thief. The Pharaoh's eyes narrowed. How suspicious! he thought. What kind of a codeword was cat?

"Can I come too?" Marik asked.

"Don't you have some things to take care of?" Bakura snapped. "We don't have enough money for candy for three."

"But I heard they were giving out coupons for free GummiStars…"

"Nobody really wants to eat those."

"True."

O.O They were speaking in code! Yami _knew _it!

"You do have stuff to do today, though," Malik reminded his darker counterpart.

"Oh, yeah. The cat has to be fed," Marik said. Yami was perplexed. Who or what was 'the cat'?

"_You're _taking care of her? No WONDER she's crazy," Bakura mumbled. How Yami could hear Bakura when he was following about 20 feet behind them and Bakura was just muttering, is a mystery.

'Her?' What did that MEAN? Yami would have to follow them. If they stepped out of line, he would use his new shadow power on them. He didn't really want to though… it was kind of messy.

Bakura's P.O.V.!!!!!!!!!111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111 (Annoyin', ain't it?)

"You get the feeling we're being followed?" Malik asks.

"Duh," says Y/M.

I turn around. The Pharaoh is gawking at us, very obviously. I would care, but I'm too injured. My legs look crappy. Real crappy. (And the fact that I just stepped in dog dookie doesn't help my crappy image, either. …Heh. Dog dookie. He he.) I can't be bothered with such a small fry as the Pharaoh. Besides, who wants just one fry? Super size him, then he'll be worth my attention.

Y/M's drooling!

"Bluhh." Fascinating.

"You're gross," Malik tells him pointedly. I could've SWORN I heard somebody whisper _"That must be a code word!"_ Weird.

"I am not gross." _"What does it mean??" _Really weird.

"You are so."

I've limped a whole block now. Luckily the movie theater isn't that far away from here. "Bakura, stop putting so much weight on me! I'm going to fall over and hit my head and pass out."

"I wish you would," I snap. "You are expendable!" We are now a few blocks away from the policemen. We're moving at a fast clip for a cripple, a mental patient, and a wannabe GIRL.

"HEY!" Malik seethes. "I better be the mental patient!" He must be reading over my shoulder. "No, you're talking OUT LOUD."

Again?? DANG IT!

"_They want it to be a secret!" _o-o Is that the Pharaoh whispering all those weird things? O-O Is he STILL following us? -.- He's persistent. o.O Does he think we're up to something? n.n That could be interesting.

"Does the scarecrow walk at midnight?" I ask, trying to sound sinister and coat my words with extra meaning.

"Are you trying to speak in code? 'Cause you're really bad at it," Malik insults me. -.- Darn him!

3rd person

Yami was in stark awe. The most ingenious thing—to SAY they were talking in code must be ANOTHER part of their secret code!

…Genius.

Bakura's P.O.V.

"Let's use OUR secret code!" Y/M suggests.

"I don't know any secret code" Malik complains.

"Good, 'cuz I don't want to talk to you," Marik saids. Is saids a word? I think not!

"Bakura!" Malik whines in my ear. Geez, he's violating my personal space. "If you talk in the secret code, I won't carry you!"

"-.- You're not carrying me anyway."

I am BARELY leaning on him. And I don't need his help anyway—we tomb robbers are above needing that sort of thing. And I'm just BARELY limping. BARELY!

"He IS carrying you," Y/M says to me. Liar. "He's got you in his arms."

More lies, Jim Bob. **LIES!** Malik is NOT carrying me. I did NOT get tired of limping and leaning and actually make him carry me! Never!

…Really! Don't give me that disbelieving glance! SPORK!

That wasn't random, Jim Bob; Marik's really holding a spork up against my neck! Why must my neck be tortured today? ;-;

"Take it," he says. "I ate broccoli with it earlier."

"Ew."

"Just take it."

"Why?"

"Because you'll need it for your popcorn at the movie theater."

O.O No I won't. Time for a good excuse Jim Bob. Watch me come up with one!

"You said that out loud," Y/M says.

"Dang."

"Just take it." He pokes my nose with it.

"Why??" I whine.

"Just because."

"Because why?"

"Because it's a BOMB!" Yami Marik laughs maniacally. "Just kidding."

"A bomb!?" comes a voice from behind us. "SHADOW POWERS!" Someone yells in a gay voice. "AWAKANE!!" Suddenly there's a really loud BOOM, and darkness eclipses the sky. It's my mother! …No, wait, she's dead. It's just the Shadow Realm.

3rd person again!

Yami's eyes turned dark. "I call upon Ra. Let me borrow the power of the Shadows. Give me the power to…" His hands crackled and turned red. Energy currents flowed around them.

"…BLOW UP THE SEWERS AND HAVE PARASITES RAIN FROM THE SKY!!" He threw his hands up at an oddly specific 45 degree angle with his head as the vertex point and his arms pointing diagonally out from his shoulders. Math is power… and descriptive, apparently.

Bakura's P.O.V.

O.O !!!!! WHAT THE H—

_**Review or a parasite may fall in your hair. And even though I'm back from camp now, don't think I'll come and save you.**_

_**And… chapter 28 WILL rock harder. I promise. **_

_**Oh, and thanks for the input! I won't do something like chapter 26 again. Promise. I'll reformat it, too, soon, so that the stuff's at the bottom… Should've done that in the first place… **_


	28. What's a chicken nugget? OR Tragic

_Last time, in TPCOS:_

"…BLOW UP THE SEWERS AND HAVE PARASITES RAIN FROM THE SKY!!"

_And now:_

Chapter 28: "Tragic."

Well, Jim Bob, you know it's just a regular day when an explosive blows up the sewers and makes parasites rain from the sky. It _must_'ve been an explosive, the Pharaoh can't do tricks like that. Or maybe this is Explosions-and-Parasites Town. Like Chinatown, except definitely not like Chinatown. …Hey, there are weirder sections in Domino City. Like Mothballtown. …Ok, Jim Bob, you may be right: maybe this is a little weirder. I don't know why the cinema is in this part of Domino, but I DO know that if Malik and I don't hurry, we won't have time to stand in line for popcorn. Unfortunately, he passed out in fright when a parasite clipped his ear. How tragic. It's going to be hard to haul his unconscious body down the street, limp, AND write this, so I'm gonna go for now.

_LATER!_

It is now later. D-uh. I had to drag Malik's sorry butt through the ticklet line AND through the—wait, ticklet line? Bad misspelling, gah… Although that does sound kind of funny… maybe a ticklet line would be a line where you wait to be tickled. Or… something. I dunno. Anyway, I had to drag Malik's sorry butt through the TICKET line AND through the line to get popcorn and refreshments. What a pain in the butt. But guess who paid for it all, since Malik's sleeping?

NOT ME! H-ha ha HA HA COFF COFF… ahem… I used Malik's money.

:) So after "borrowing" some money from my "friend" Malik (you can maybe sense the sarcasm, Jim Bob?) I dragged his unconscious self to the water fountain, where he woke up SECONDS before I was about to rain on his parade, as in spray him with water fountain water from the water fountain. (Where else would water fountain water come from?)

He was not pleased.

"WHAT DID YOU TO ME??" he shrieked right in my ear (which was almost as annoying as the Pharaoh's leg hairs rustling in the wind). (…Ew, ew, I can imagine that.) APPARENTLY when I dragged Malik around with me, he got multiple cuts and bruises on his legs and kneecaps, and a dog bit him when I wasn't looking. Tragic.

But he got over it, (I bought him a slushie,) and now we're making our way towards theatre ex-aye-aye, or '12,' to go see _Fake Movie Title 3. _The first two were pretty good.

"Are you going to take that stupid notebook in the theatre with you?" Malik snaps. I sniff indignantly.

Of course, I'm taking you with me, Jim Bob—you have to observe my sKiLLz. Because I've GOT sKiLLz.

"What skills?" Malik asks naively. So unaware of my sKiLLz. I'm about to snap you shut on Malik's nose, Jim Bob, as punishment for his naïvete. …What? A red squiggle should be underneath the word "naivete"? But I was so sure that was a word… No matter.

"OW!"

Hehehe, that was a bundle of funness. No? That's not a word either? Oh well.

"Geez!" Malik is pinching his nose shut. "You wacko."

"No, _your _mom goes to college!" I shout back. SKiLLz, Jim Bob, sKiLLz.

"That HURT!" Malik yells. He lunges for me but trips over an untied shoelace—not HIS, but one lying abandoned on the sticky floor.

"Oomph!" He hits his chin on the aforementioned sticky floor. Tragic.

_Later!_

I'm bringing sexy back (YEAH!)/Them other… Oh, the movie's starting. This is not the time to be singing to myself. (I am pretty sure that that song is about _me_, Jim Bob.)

"_This summer…" _Oh, it's just the previews. _"Two girls… insanity… multiple plot lines and angry rodents… and… shrimp raining from the sky…"_

o.O One of the guys in the previews looks like Yugi.

"_For people who like random things… Sour Schuyler presents… from Fanfiction Theaters… 'Playing House'. Online now."_

Sounds dumb.

"_Review and you may get a cookie."_

O.o Well I DO like cookies…

MORE PREVIEWS! They suck and/or are boring. I will save your pages for more interesting things, Jim Bob.

_Later!_

The movie is starting. The protagonist is standing on a hill, surrounded by ninja(s). His name, he explains in a voiceover, is Bill.

"My name is Bill," he says. "I am a secret agent for federalist John Adams during World War III. I am delivering a top secret disk to a horse in Russia containing important information about the eating habits of the extinct Thracian culture. And right now, I'm surrounded by whatever the plural of ninja is."

…_Awesome._

_LATER:_

"I think Jennifer Love Hewitt did a good job playing Rapunzel's reincarnation," Malik says, sitting across from me at the table in a fast food place we're eating at. We're the only ones here, besides the pimply-faced boy behind the counter, so we have decided that we're going to tell everyone we broke in, since we DID break in when the boy was closing up shop, and then we forced him to serve us.

"It was kind of weird when t.A.T.u. took over all of Asia, though," I say. "And Bill didn't blow up any shopping malls like in the first two movies. This one was kind of disappointing."

"What are you talking about?" Malik argues. "Slipknot was in this movie. SLIPKNOT!"

"…Not actually _in _it… One of their songs played during the ending credits," I point out, but Malik isn't listening. He's got this 'Zomg Slipknot!!!!!!1! (foaming at mouth)' look on his face that's rather tragic.

"Sigh," I sigh. "I'm boooored."

"Surrender all your chicken nuggets unto me!" says an unknown voice. Malik and I look up.

"Who the hell are you?" Malik asks, ticked off because his 'Zomg Slipknot!!!!!!1! (foaming at mouth)' was ruined.

"It doesn't matter," says the boy smoothly. He looks about like he's in middle school, and he has gray, but regal and somehow normal looking hair. "You have to give all your chicken nuggets to me, for I have never had any before. Naa, Kabaji?"

The middle schooler snaps his fingers, and this big guy appears and agrees with him monosyllabically.

"Be awed by the sight of my prowess!" the first middle schooler says. "Now hand over your nuggets."

I blink. Malik blinks. I blink again in order to outblink him. Then:

"What's a chicken nugget?" we both cry at the same time. We stare at each other.

"You copied me," I accuse.

"YOU copied ME!" the tomb keeper yells in recrimination.

"You don't know what a chicken nugget is?" the boy asks, confused. "Hey, do you know who I am?"

"No, but we don't care," Malik and I answer at the same time. Eerie.

The boy celars—I mean _clears _his throat anyway. _Let me clear my throat! Da nun na nun nun! _Ryou thinks. Ryou is strange. _It's an old school song, Bakura, it's old school. _Whatever Freakazoid.

"I'm the captain of Hyotei Gakuen's tennis team, Ato—"

"You're a middle schooler," I bark.

"Yeah! Middle schooler, middle schooler," Malik chides.

"Get lost!" I add gruffly.

"Get lost, get lost!" Malik chants. I grab some of the weird meat things that came with my fries of France and fling them at this snobby, oddly gray-haired junior high kid.

The rich bitch screams like a girly-girl. "Carry me, Kabaji!" He snaps his fingers and the big guy grunts, then carries him out of the restaurant.

…That was kind of weird. Why do I always meet the weirdest characters? They're almost as bad as anime characters. Man, those shows are messed up.

"…We just wasted our meat pellets on him," Malik points out. Dang.

"Well then, let's go to Real Scary Things 'R' Us," I suggest wisely. "They probably have some stuff we can steal."

"…How would that help our hunger?" Malik inquired. Ooh, 'inquired', that word must make me sound FANCY:)

"…Well, we can use the scary things to scare those guys," I explicate. Another fancy word!

"…I don't feel like it."

Pouting, I slump in my seat. And so a cool subplot in the story of my life ends before it even got a chance to begin. Tragic.

"Oh, fine," I say to the wet blanket. "…Malik, you're sitting on a soggy blanket."

"No, that's a greasy napkin."

"Oh. …You're sitting on a greasy napkin?"

"It's stuck to the seat of my overly-tight pants."

"Wow," I say. "Tragic."

_Review and you get a cookie. If you caught the Prince of Tennis reference, you get two!_


	29. Grass Murderer

_Ato-be! Ato-be! Ato— (Atobe snaps) That means it's time to be quiet… because we're about to peek into the mind of Bakura! Oooh…_

Chapter 29: Lurid Blossom, Again

Here I am, Jim Bob, curled up in my bed and writing about what happened today. So much has happened since Malik whined that he didn't want to chase after those junior high kids. But maybe it's a good thing that we didn't go to Scary Things 'R' Us. Because when we were walking out of the MacDoughy Foods fast food restaurant after finishing our feast of fries of France, I saw… HER.

Yes, that's right. That GIRL. My lurid blossom. –Ryou, stop laughing at me, I can call her what I want.

_Bakura has a cru-ush… Bakura has a cru-ush…_

SHUT UP DAMN YOU! …A-hem. Anyway, I knew it was her because she had that kid next to her. And I knew it was that kid because he said "Hey, can we go buy Magic Cards?"

And then she said "No, we have to go buy a lawn mower."

Ah, so they're shopping, I thought, how sinister. ...I mean, if they were shopping for an evil lawn mower. I, uh, I… I'm not real sure where I was going with this. I'm still cool, though.

"Why are mom and dad making us go buy a lawn mower for them, anyway? Shouldn't they do something important like that?"

"Colton…" SHE said frustratedly. And then Colton said it—he said her name!

"But _Megan,_ I can just run into that shop and grab some Magic Cards. The line isn't really that long…"

"The line is longer than those lines where you wait to sit on Santa's lap!" Megan snaps.

O.O So her name is Megan! So Strings was right! And now I know her name for sure, is what I thought. And then I smiled gleefully. Once again I felt the urge to abandon my plans of chibifyi—I mean of attacking those middle schoolers to go buy her a cookie!

_What about chibis? _

Nothing, Ryou.

_No, really, what about—_

Jiffy, I said. Next time I see those middle schoolers, I'll take care of them in a jiffy.

_Oh. _

"Bakura, why are you smiling like that? It's really creeping me out," Malik said to me, unappreciative of my Gleeful Smile and unaware of Megan. Instead of looking her address up in the book of Phone, which I'm not even sure has addresses, I decided to follow her to her house instead. That's perfectly normal.

"I have to go," I said suddenly. Then I bounded off, the pain in my legs forgotten, ditching Malik near the third-rate McDonalds. He'll forgive me. After all, he did steal my moose, so he owes me.

I rushed over to where _Megan _and Colton are standing, but remained careful not to be seen. Then I stealthily followed them as they make their way towards Lawn Mowers 'R' Us. Unlike the last few times I've written this, this time I am 200 percent sure that I wasn't seen tailing them, and even Ryou said I did a good job stalking them… which makes me feel kind of happy. n.n Although his opinion certainly doesn't matter.

_You're a bugger._

Yeah, well you're too British… or sumthin'. Anyway, so I followed Megan and Colton through the great sliding door of Lawn Mowers 'R' Us. And inside, lo and behold! Dozens of brand new models of lawn mowers formed row after sparkling row.

"Which kind are we supposed to get?" Colton asked. Megan consulted a sheet of paper she'd retrieved from her pocket. They stopped in front of a box with a picture of a sinister looking machine on it. The letters GR are on the front of the box, and the rest of the name trails across the side of the box.

"…The 'Grassacre,'" she said, then wrinkled her nose. "Is that supposed to be a play on the word 'massacre?'"

"Yes! Also a reference to a twilight zone episode. You know, where the guy can hear plants screaming and hears all the bits of grass dying?" said a redheaded salesmen who stepped up to them. He had a green-and-pink checkered shirt and a conniving face. I could've sworn I'd seen him from a cartoon before… but the mighty Bakura doesn't watch cartoons, so it must've been a mistake.

_I watch cartoons. n.n_

Shut up Ryou. Nobody likes you.

_Liar. n.n My mummy loves me._

…That was lame… So anyway, I watched as the salesmen tried to sell them the Grassacre. (Which _does _sound like an evil lawn mower, so I was right. So there. Myeh. That is the sound of me sticking my tongue out at my invisible adversaries, Jim Bob. …I'm not crazy.) Megan, obviously put off by the way the salesmen was using lots of double negatives ("And you won't not be not loving your lawn mower before you know it"), told him that they were going to look around. And so they did. And then this Colton kid found a gumball machine, and decided to go get some gumballs. 'Cause that's what those machines are for. I mean, c'mon. It's a _gumball _machine. It's for gumballs. Like a phone booth is for using the phone (or entering the Ministry of Magic), or a suicide booth is for… Oh! At that time Megan walked into the aisle I was hiding in.

So there was Megan. I needed to say something to her. So, I stepped out into plain view in the aisle and held you out in front of me, Jim Bob. I figured she would understand what I was about if she met me holding a light blue pocket spiral with googley eyes.

"U-Um, h-hi… My name is Bakura. What's yours?" I asked politely, just like I did that one time in the car when Ryou and I simulated a conversation (and then he laughed at me! Grrr). I opened my eyes.

She was already gone! Dang! And I'd been… _polite! _In broad artificial storelight! GAH! Ryou was laughing his british bum off at me. It wasn't great. And where did she go, you wonder, Jim Bob?

"I'm trying to get a green one," her brother told her. She was over by the gumball machine now.

"That's nice," she said, in a way that indicated she really didn't care. "But hurry. We still have to go and get my summer reading materials, and then we have to find a way to carry that insanely large lawn mower home."

The gumball went through a long series of winding turns and spins before it reached the final compartment. This Colton kid reached in and took it.

"…It broke in two," he exclaimed lamely. "Megan, do you want a piece?"

"…What did you do to it?" she asked suspiciously.

"When would I have had a chance to poison it?" he complained.

"Aha! So you poisoned it!" she accused.

"I didn't poison it!" he argued.

"Sure," she said. "Let's just go buy the lawn mower."

"…Okay."

So they headed over to the register, where a very perky lady told them that the Grassacre cost a zillion Monopoly bucks… which, oddly enough, Megan started pulling out of her jean pockets.

_Ask her if she needs help carrying it home, _Ryou's voice whispered in my ear.

"Hey!!" I said loudly. Megan, Colton, and the cashier lady turned to me. "Um… do you need help carrying that?" I asked, pointing at the bulky lawn mower.

"No, they've got it," the lady said before Megan could even reply. She took out a wand and shrunk the large box.

_o.o Oh my gosh! BAKURA, RUN! SHE'S A WITCH! _

"O.O Colton, let's leave." Megan was apparently thinking the same thing.

"But you have to finish paying your first installment!" the witch said, smiling sickly.

Megan gave her more Monopoly money, and she and her brother edged out of the store as quickly as they could.

Quickly the girl snapped at her brother to carry the large box encasing the lawn mower by himself. You couldn't even see the boy's head then, it was hidden behind the box. Hehe.

Later…

Well, later I was in _Megan's _neighborhood. So now I know where she lives, right down to the house number. Creepy? Yes. It's what I do.

Anyway, I turn around to leave…

"_SPROK!!!" _

There is an _ENORMOUS _woman running at me. She makes Madame Maxine look… well, ok, she's about the same size. I bet she eats a lot of donuts. Donuts the size of tires, that is.

"_SPROK!!!!" _she screams again, waving her arms spastically. She dives into the bushes next to me. She squats there, quivering in fear, her hands (large as dish plates) clamped over her head. Her back is like, protruding five feet from the top of the bush. This lady's _big. _

…Oh, man, I forgot all about what she was running from. I _love _sproks. I gotta go see! I turn around again andsmack into Yugi.

"Hi!" Yugi chirps. "Do you like my teal turtleneck sweater?"

"…Sure," I say. It just doesn't look good with his hair. And it's too hot for turtlenecks.

Yugi grins. "Did I ever tell you that Yami came up with the perfect football play ever?"

Yami? _Football? _This kid's off his rocker.

"Oh yeah?" I try to say casually. "What is it? Does he play with his leg hairs?"

"…Everybody on the team has to get naked."

x.X "_Why._" That's not even really a question. And haven't we MADE this reference before? Like, just earlier today? But, coming from Yugi…

_The mental images are burning me, _my host complains in his ghostly voice. I agree.

"How are they going to tackle you with no pants on?" Yugi adds happily, apparently thinking that my cringe means that I don't understand.

_Yami didn't come up with that… that's in a rap song, _Ryou tells me disapprovingly.

I glare at Yugi. "I hate to break it to you, hobbit, but that's from a song. Your other half _stole _it, 'cause he's got no originality. He didn't even get it from the song; he got it third hand when the policemen told him it today. He was being chased by the cops, by the way," I add, and Yugi starts to snivel. "No originality at all… Not like me. I think up great names for everything, and great strategies. And obviously the best strategy in football is to stab all of the opposing players so that it's easier to win."

_Both strategies are, um, illegal…But I still like yours better, Bakura. _

Whatever, Ryou. (I _am _original, though, Jim Bob. Remember the name I came up with for my plot against the Pharaoh? The 'Pharaoh's Power Chasers'? It doesn't get more original than that.)

"So… wait." The future football player has tears in his eyes. "Yami didn't come up with that?"

"No…" I murmur. Come to think of it, if Yugi _had _become a football player, would he have _tried _that strategy? Amon-Ra…

"It's okay," Yugi chirps in reply to my apparently out-loud thinking. "There would always be some kind of leaf, or something, to block things like that out. There always is."

"_Life isn't a cartoon_!" I snap.

Oh crap!! The sprok!!!

"COME BACK, SPROK!!" I scream, shoving Yugi out of the way.

"Wait, Yami was being chased by the police?" Yugi squeaks from behind me, as I rush off.

I ran through the moonlit streets after the sprok. Oh man, sproks are awesome, Jim Bob, you have just no idea. Unfortunately, however many sproks there were, they had all disappeared by the time I got there. So I went home, snuck into Mr. Dee's (our neighbor's) house, stole his aerobics tapes, and did some F.E.A.R. (Ferociously Evil Aerobics Rituals, if you remember from chapters long ago, possibly immemorial). Then I went to sleep, curled up with my secret beanie baby collection that I stole from various small children. I dreamed of hot dogs with pickle relish. Delish.

_References made… Well, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, McDonalds, the fast-talking salesmen, Madame Maxine, or the song "Ballz" by Eminem and D12. I do own some stuff… like "F.E.A.R." "Sprok" and the (lack of) plot. _

_Oh! And REVIEW! … (Goes back to chanting) Ato-be! Ato-be! Ato-be! …Don't ask…_


	30. In Which Things Get Done

The Pharaoh's Corrupting Our Schools!

Chapter 30!

Quick A/N: I wrote this at camp, where I was introduced to _24_. I thought this was funny then, and I hope you think it's funny now!

Today, Jim Bob, is the day I use my spiffy Chibifier on Ryou! Yes, I know last time I wrote, dragons with six heads and bear claws were going to attack me while I was tied up. But I escaped easily. I AM a master thief, after all. We're good at escaping. (What do you mean, that never happened? A dream? No way!) I can even _pronounce _escape, unlike a certain blue fish in a movie I watched with Ryou last nite.

Yes, I watched a dumb movie with host, AND I used the cutesy spelling of the word night: "Nite." (Adorable!) But I had good reasons. He offered me apple pie, and writing four letters instead of five saves time. But besides those two unquestionable motives, I also learned a valuable lesson from _Finding Nemo, _and that is that fish need to beat their children. That way, their children will respect them. Then Marlin wouldn't of had to go on an incredible journey, risking life and fin, to find his son, 'cuz his son wouldn't of touched the "butt" and been captured by a dentist in the first place. (Using 'cuz instead of because? Also really cool.)

Anyway, so I guess this means that once I chibify Ryou, I'll have to lock him in a closet. What do you mean, that's against the law? …Oh. Oh _yeah. _…That's child abuse, rite? Well, I'll just have to put him on a leash. I think that's legal in some states. Japan's a state, rite?

…

…

No, no, I'm pretty sure Japan is a state, Jim Bob. I might've read it on Wikipedia, so it has to be true. The Internet wouldn't lie. So, I guess all that's left is to buy a leash.

"Bakura!"

Ryou comes rushing in, his eyes happy and bright. "Our new neighbors just bought the most _adorable _Pomeranian!"

On second though, I could just steal one.

_Later!_

Ok, so, it is now later, I have a tiny wound in my hand, and I realized it's 6:30 in the morning. Who buys a dog and brings it home so early? And why was Ryou up? Why am _I _up? I'm going back to sleep.

"Bakura, did you try to pet Mad Dog?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, your hand is bleeding…" Ryou points to my hand with his unscarred one.

"NO." How does he know these things? "I'm taking a nap, don't wake me up. Go and… watch early morning cartoons, or something. Whatever it is you do early in the morning," I growl.

Ryou laffs. I growl again. "Bakura, I outgrew those years ago!" he exclaims.

Well, I get the feeling soon he'll be liking them again…

More later!

It is now 9:45, AM. "A respectable time to be awake," I insist.

"Go 'way," Marik grumbles on the other side of the rainbow –er, telephone.

"You wanna help me—"

"No. Talk to Malik."

"He's awake?" I'm surprised.

"No. MALIK!" Y/M screams. I can hear him crashing thru the Ishtar's abode. "MAAA-lik! Maaaa-LIK!"

"Eh?" I hear Malik, well, eh. "What is it?"

"Sit up. Phone call." I hear Malik sitting up.

"Huhh?" he huhhs.

SMACK.

Malik fumbles with the fone. "Hello?" he yawns.

"Hey Malik, wanna—"

He cuts me off: "Too early… Must… get… beauty sleep."

"MARIIIK!" I hear a girl scream. Oh snap. (No, no, no! I can't believe I just said that! Oh, wait, I didn't say it, I just wrote it. That's not _as _bad…)

"No," Malik says, "you said it too."

"MAAARIK!" An unearthly shriek pierces my ears from the other side of the phone.

"Listen, Marik woke Ishizu up, so I'm gonna wet myself and hide in a closet." Malik yawns. "Bye."

_Click. _Well, dang; Who's gonna help me with Mad Dog? Maybe I'll do that later today… Let's see what's on my calendar.

_Prank call KaibaCorp. _Perfect.

I'm dialing him up now, Jim Bob. It's ringing…

"Bakura, I know that it's you," Kaiba says.

"¿Qué?"

"Cut it out, Bakura."

"Yo no soy Bakura. Me llamo Ricardo."

"I know it's you. I have Caller ID," Kaiba says.

"Oh yeah?" Just now, some guy drove by outside with the windows down and rap music way, way up, which reminded me of Kaiba and that song that was playing in his car. I'm sorely tempted 2 ask him about it, but instead I'll just taunt him. "Why are you at work already?"

"The company's not gonna run itself."

"Yeah, but I thought that u wer the President, not a janitor."

"It's CEO, and spell your words correctly when you speak." o.o How did he know? "I can read minds."

"Really?"

"No." He hangs up. I call him back.

"WHAT?"

"Look, I know you can't be busy. I bet you're the only one there."

"All KaibaCorp employees begin their work day at 3 AM sharp," Kaiba recites.

"Oh. When do they get off?"

"3 AM sharp."

"Holidays?" I ask.

"Don't count on 'em."

"Do you like Pomeranians?"

"No."

"Wanna help me battle one?"

"'Battle'?" Kaiba repeats, sounding baffled. "No."

"I have blackmail on you."

"No you don't."

"I'll kidnap your brother."

"No you won't."

I gotta think. _Think. _…I got it!

"I'll add you as a friend on MySpace," I declare, as if pained me to even consider a person like Kaiba an online friend.

"Don't have one."

"Isn't there one for KaibaCorp?"

"That was created by a cult of my fangirls," he explains. "It's not official."

"Look," I lie, "I just thought you'd want to help me push Joey around…"

"Wheeler?" Kaiba says.

"Yeah, Joey; that's the Pomeranian's name," I lie.

I could _hear _Kaiba smiling. I think it ripped his face.

"A dog named Joey?" he muses. Then he starts laughing maniacally.

"Meet me at 11," I say. I hang up, with him still laughing psychopathically on the other end. Omg.

That done, I slink into the living room, where Ryou is watching _24_. In broad daylite. Wimp. Everyone knows that you need to watch 24 at nite, when your supposed to be sleeping, so when the scarier bits happen you can feel shivers. …If you're not a tomb thief, and experience those types of things.

"Oh my gosh! Terry! Get out of the car!" He squeals, clasping his hand to his mouth. "That's not her father!!"

I roll my eyes. "Omg," I say, sinking down next to him on the couch. "Is this the 1st season?"

"Did you just abbreviate the word first?"

"_May_-be," I say mischievously.

Ryou rolls his eyes. "Go be annoying somewhere else, Shin-chan."

"Shin-chan?"

"Yeah, he's this annoyin' little kid on this show. Crayon Shin-chan."

"Excuse me!" I stand up and puff out my chest, at my full height. "Thief Bakura is not a crayon!"

"Shut it, Amber Brown," Ryou snaps. Then his eyes lite up. Oh snap. (Oh man, I didn't say that.)

"Shut it Amber Brown," he raps. "You're just a clown/I'm gonna hit you in the teeth and you'll need a crown."

I give him my best what-the-hell look. "You're going to transfer cavities to me through your hand?" I sum up. Ryou nods vigorously. "Oh, OK then." Idiot. "Change this stupid channel."

Ryou picks up the remote and switches to an infomercial. He frowns. "I hate informercials," he complains.

"I love 'em. Keep it on," I say, sitting back down. Bakura: 1. Ryou: 0.

…Maybe I shouldn't of tallied the score just yet. It's an infomercial about a local School of Midwifery.

"Of course, looking the part can be important," says a bleached blonde with perfect teeth. She pretends to drink from an empty coffee cup. I know it's empty 'cuz at the angle she was holding it, it would've spilled all over her belly. Her large, pregnant belly. "If my doula is ugly, then she—"

"_Or _he," says a man smiling a bit too widely at the camera. He's sitting next to the girl.

"Right. If my doula is hideous, she or he—"

"_He _or _she,_" the man corrects. She gives him an evil look, like she wants to punch him in the mouth, giving him cavities, according to Ryou.

"If _she _or _he _has a face like roadkill, my baby might be too frightened or horrified to exit the womb."

Dear God. -.-

"That's why we recommend that our midwives look appealing," the man explains. He smiles and adjusts himself in his seat, surreptitiously (meaning obviously) picking at his wedgie.

The woman smiles. "If you would make a good doula, you might look like this," she says.

And then a big, large picture of Ryou blushing in an apron appears plastered on the TV screen. I bust out laughing. Ryou smacks me hard with the remote, shouts, "How could you??" and storms out.

H-ha-haha—wait. o.o I didn't have anything to do with that. o.o Why the hell was Ryou on TV? Unless… he really IS meant to be a—no, I don't want to think about it. I mean, I look like that too… but I never blush. Or wear aprons. So it was meant for him.

_Later!_

The doorbell rings just after the Quidditch match finishes on TV.

"Answer it," Ryou yells frustratedly from another room, angry that he's a destined midwife and that the Chudley Cannons lost again. Lucky for him, I _want _to answer the door. I get up and do so."

O. M. G.

Much later!

Sorry, Jimmy. I had to put you down so I could focus on stealing the leash. And bcuz I dropped u. I'm sorry, I was just laffing so hard…

See, I answered the door. The guy on the porch was wearing thick tinted purple ski goggles, a spring-green ski jacket, and black dress pants. And one of those funny hats with the ear flaps. He shuffled into the house slowly, like a numb eskimo moving underwater in space.

It was KAIBA. H-ha-hahahaHAhaHAhahahaha! That's when I dropped you.

"Shut up," he growled. "I'm undercover."

"Undercover?" I cackled, wiping tears from my I's. Tears of laffter, of course.

"Undercover. Incognito. In disguise," he xplained, even though I obviously knew what 'undercover' means. "Sure you did," he said. Hey!

"Bakura, who's at the door?" Ryou called out from what I then realized is the kitchen. Kaiba peered into the kitchen. I bet with his outfit it's like peering out of a submarine porthole.

"Nice apron," he said, in a hi-pitched voice that was a complete disguise of his own. If I didn't know it was Kaiba… then, well, I wouldn't have known it was Kaiba.

"…Bakura, I told you not to blackmail prepubescent boys into helping you rob gas stations," Ryou scolded. To Kaiba: "I don't care what Bakura says, robbing stations is not _cool_."

Heh. The first (and last) time that happened, I said I'd take away these kids' World of Warcraft. Then after they helped me rob the joint, I locked them in the gas station bathroom. H-ha ha ha ha ha! You know that's some serious evil going on right there – I mean rite ther. (Ryou would probably said "Right thurr, right thurr. Eesh. I don't want to think what he thinks.)

"He's not blackmailing me," Kaiba squeaked. "We're just working towards a common cause."

"Bakura, what have I told you about _brainwashing _kids?" Ryou reminded me.

Heh, oh yeah. Last time I brainwashed these kids into thinking this pop singer had hit on them. Then I locked the kids in a gas station bathroom. :) It was fun.

"I am no-ot brainwashed," Kaiba asserted, his voice cracking. Dang, he's good at this voice disguise thing. He sounds like an eleven-year-old Yugi Motoh. Of course, I'm pretty sure Yugi never underwent puberty, so it kind of sounds like him in the present day as well.

Apparently, Ryou came to the same conclusion. "Yugi, is that you?" he asked, stepping into the hallway. The apron was still tied around him. It said _I love tapirs. _(The "Baku" in our name means tapir, so I love them too.) He was drying his hand on a dishtowel, which he dropped when he saw Kaiba. "Oh," he said. "I guess not." And he scuttled back into the kitchen like a frightened crab or something. Hah.

Kaiba turned to me. "Let's go," he said lowly and in his own voice. "And don't even think about locking me in a gas station bathroom."

O-O Did I tell him about that? Or did he just know?

Anyway, Kaiba and I trudged across the damp yard and opened the tall wooden gate leading to our smelly neighbor's (they breed skunks for a living, on a skunk farm out of town) backyard. And there was Mad Dog. Tied to a pole off center in the yard. A small, poofy, orange-haired dog, with clipped nails and friendly eyes. With green foam frothing from its mouth.

"That's really healthy looking," Kaiba commented. I turned to him and nodded, then did a doubletake; I'd forgotten what weird stuff he was wearing. "It figures that a dog named after Wheeler would be sick." I like how he's ignoring the fact that there's a nice sized sign that says 'Mad Dog' right next to the pole.

"Sick in the head," I murmured, and he laughed loudly. I saw Ryou push aside the frilly blue curtains to peer out the kitchen window. He looks like a nosy neighbor. …Which, I suppose he is. Who was outside at 6 in the morning to see his neighbors' new dog? Ryou, that's who. Weirdo.

"So when the dog attacked you earlier," Kaiba started to say, but I cut him off so I can set him straight:

"Hey! That pound of fluff did not attack me! It snapped at me, so I moved back, and I hit my hand on a nail!"

"…Even lamer."

"'Scuse me?"

"Look, if you didn't want a barb, you shouldn't of looked stupid," Kaiba said. So, if Barb is short for Barbara…

"You're going to attack me with women named Barbara?" I guessed. Kaiba may have rolled his eyes; couldn't tell.

"Oh yes," he said. "My secretary will attack you if I ask her to."

"Is she witchy?" I wonder.

"Well… Let's put it this way," the CEO-who-looked-like-a-space-man said. "If this were _24, _Barbara would be Alberta Green."

"My God," I said.

"Yeah."

"…Wait, is that terrible?

"Yes," the CWLLASM said grimly.

"Oh. …Can I be Jack Bauer?" I asked.

"No; I'm Jack Bauer."

"But you're ALWAYS Jack Bauer!" I griped, even though it didn't make much sense.

"What? …Oh shut up."

"You have old man hair in Season 1!" I shouted. I guess that was kind of insulting; usually Seto Kaiba looks like he's part of a boy band.

"…Ok, even I don't watch _24 _that much," he said. "You're just a freak."

It's really Ryou that watches it. He's the freak; not me. I was about to tell Kaiba this when Mad Dog bit his shin area. But since, it was covered by black dress pants, it didn't hurt. I wondered why—

"These pants have reinforced steel for threads." Must be heavy, I thought. "Not really." o-o I couldn't tell if he was… you know. Reading mah _mind._

"So, how do we…" I gesture at the dog.

"Kick it." Kaiba attempted to kick the dog, but fell over. He was on his back like a turtle, or maybe a beached whale.

I start to say: "You look like a—"

"Turtle?"

"No, a—"

"Beached whale?"

He's good. O-O It looked like he was having trouble righting himself, and I laughed. In his bulky outfit, getting up seemed about as difficult as memorizing all the countries in South America.

"Memorizing things like that is easy," he said. Dang.

"Ok, I think we should take the leash," I said.

"What do _you _want it for?" Kaiba asked suspiciously.

"Why do you listen to 'Brand New' all the time?" I finally asked.

"…Because, 'I don't like it unless it's (brand new)'" he quoted.

"…Okayyy… Well, if we take the leash, we can share it. I'll have it on Sunday through Friday," I reasoned.

"Um… I can just buy one," Kaiba pointed out.

"Then just get me the dang leash."

Through a series of Matrix movies, Kaiba retrieved the leash for me. And in exchange he demanded that I defeat the Pharaoh. Well, I told him I'd get around to it, he called me a pansy and said I was blonder than Kim Bauer, which makes the third _24 _reference today. Then he called his limo and rode off. Oh, and Mad Dog ripped a chunk of my hair out. One of my bat bangs.

…No, seriously. It was like this:

"Kaiba, restrain the dog after you take its leash."

"No, you." He let the dog go.

"OWWW! Oh God! RAAAA! Help meeeee! Osiris! HURRY!"

Or something manlier than that. The skunk-smell-y neighbor lady came out and retrieved Mad Dog. The Pomeranian bit her hand and drew blood.

"Aww, you're an affectionate little sweetheart," said the skunk lady, enveloping the dog in a bear hug. I swear I could see the dog wrinkle its nose, and I heard it pule (not puke, _pule_) loudly. It continued to whimper as the lady said, "Come on inside, Madison."

…Wait. _Madison? _Either that dog's a former President, or… we were attacked by a _girl _dog!! _No! _

Maaan…!

So, this part of my day being kinda lame, I kicked Kaiba in the shin just before his limo arrived, then took the leash inside and kicked Ryou in the shin for comparing me to a crayon Shin earlier. And thus it was a fulfilling morning. Only one thing left to make it a success: Chibify Ryou Bakura. Muahaha.

So let's go downstairs, shall we?

I grab a robin's-egg-blue Chibifier 5000, which looks a lot like a pump-action water gun, one of the large ones, and head downstairs.

Remember, I kicked Ryou in the shin? Well, he's still lying on the floor.

"Call to you so clearly/but no one wants to hear me!" he sings. …The only Linkin Park rap song on the CD he owns, and he knows the lyrics to it.

"But nobody's listening!" Well, at least he's not doing the actual rap part.

"Ryou, there are much better Linkin Park songs," I insist.

"You know, I borrowed that Linkin Park CD from Yami," Ryou informs me.

"I hate Linkin Park," I suddenly decide. Ryou tilts his head, considering me.

"Is that a water gun?" he questions. (I would have written ?s, but that would have read 'he question marks'.)

"Yes," I say, "and I filled it with Cola."

"Yeah?" Ryou says, still squirming on his back on the floor. "How come?"

"It cleans up blood. I saw it on Mythbusters," I say.

"…What kind of Cola? Coca-, Diet?"

I think. "It didn't say," I decide. Then I point at him, rev up the gun using highly advanced pump-action technology, and shoot. "Bang," I say.

Magical purple particles fill the air around the Chibifier 5000. Swirly blue lines appear outta nowhere.

"I just realized," Ryou says, "why would there be an infomercial about midwifery? How often do you see those?"

"I dunno," I replī, as da Chibifier 5000 glōs and emits a huming noiz. "Why don't I have any real weapons?"

"'Cuz my ID says I'm under the legal age to buy them?"

"Oh. Sucks."

"Whatever."

A stream of blue-and-purple swirl shoots straight at my host's heart. He's surrounded by the manly colors. Then he begins to shrink.

"Bakura!" he crīs, getting smaller. Then he scrēms. "Bakura! Stop!"

His voice becomes a smal squēk. This totally rox. My host lookd like a prisoner in rags, his clothes now much 2 big for H.I.M. (or for my host… wāte, that jōk doesn't māk sense; Ryou's probly shortr than H.I.M). After a sec, tho, they shrunk 2.

He looked at me w/ his wīd, chocolate I's. And then he did something that made me cringe.

_Well, I bet you're thinking: thank goodness that's over. Anyway, I was on a 24 kick when I wrote this. Also, my birthday was yesterday, and I got the second season. So yaaay. Now then… __**review or no updates! **_


	31. Chibified! And Guess Who's A Polar Bear!

Last time, on _Dragonball Z!_

…Er, sorry, on _The Pharaoh's Corrupting Our Schools. _(The person who said Dragonball Z has been sacked.)

_He looked at me w/ his wīd, chocolate I's. And then he did something that made me cringe._

(Irregularly placed author's note: Does everybody hate school as much as me? Good. I'm glad to know I'm not a freak.)

Chapter Thirty-frickin'-one!  
Ryou! Finally Chibified  
OR  
Guess Who's Really a Polar Bear! (Go on. Guess.)

Cry? _Naw! _The sucker VOMITED on me! DANG… But… I sorted it all out.

_In 3__rd__ person view_

Ryou beat his tiny fists against a door. On the other side of the door, red tape was plastered to the door as if Ryou were trying to keep out the monster-things in that scary movie the author didn't go see but wanted to. Anyway, someone had written across the tape, in black sharpie:

WARNING! Tot ahead. (I don't mean a tater.)

_Back in the delicate mind of Bakura…_

So… I have all the time in the world to write now, so I don't have to abbreviate things, even though that is easier. But yeah…

So I covered the vomit up with a towel, so I won't step in it, and I locked Ryou in his room for awhile… what's the worst he could do to himself?

_A quick peek back to Ryou, in 3__rd__ person view_

The small toddler Ryou looked around the room. And he found… a gluestick! Yes, left over from some homework assignment long since turned in, was an Elmer's gluestick, the small cow on the label just peering at him… inviting him… beckoning him to do some kind of gag with the gluestick… _"Come play with Elmer, little boy…" _it seemed to be saying. Really creepy stuff.

And Ryou's tiny mind thought, _"Is that lipstick? _

… _n.n I want to be purty!"_

Oh dear.

_Back in Bakura's mind!_

…My spider senses are tingling… my host is about to do something stupid. (This sense tingles often.) I better go see what's up.

So, I walk down the hallway, wondering… why don't we listen to more British music? Does my host _not _like Imogen Heap? Is he _offended _by Lily Allen? _It seems to me, we're on all fours,/Crawling on our knees,/Someone help us please_. She has GOOD songs!

So, I rip off the tape with suspicious ease, and open Ryou's door. And blink. And here's what I think he'd be saying: _Oh Jesus Christ almighty,/Do I feel alright? No not slightly,/I wanna get a flat I know I can't afford it,/It's just the bureaucrats who won't give me a mortgage. _Or something like that.

He doesn't look like he feels alright; actually, he's glued his lips together. That doesn't really look healthy. And his eyes are wet, and his legs are wobbly. The lyrics that he actually looks like he want to say, from H.I.M., are: _Hold me/Like you held on to life/When all fears came alive and entombed me/Love me/Like you love the sun/Scorching the blood in my vampire heart. _Ok, enough lyrics that don't really fit, and that Sour Schuyler doesn't own, but loves. (Who's Sour Schuyler? Why did that name just pop into my head…?)

Anyway, that last paragraph wasn't meant to be gay. Especially since Ryou is now, like, 4 years old. Anyway, I was kind of planning to use Ryou to impress Megan… Chicks dig little kids, right? Anyway, it probably won't work if my "little brother's" mouth is glued shut.

TO THE HOSPITAL!

_At the hospital:_

"Are you sure you don't want to come inside with your younger brother?" a doctor asks. I nod vehemently. "He's very upset." I tell the doctor he'll be okay. I'm stretched out in the "Sick" waiting room, which is sick, dude. Anyway, I'm sprawled across several tiny children, using their heads as head rests, their arms as armrests, their shins as… things to kick. Surrounding me are several other children, doing my various biddings.

Tiny Ryou is crying as they drag him inside. Pansy. …I wonder how they're going to fix this, anyway? Cut his mouth open? That could hurt, though, wouldn't it? Maybe they could turn him into the Sorting Hat for the operation, cut his mouth open, and then turn him back into Ryou. …Which leads me to an important question… Does the Sorting Hat feel pain? And should I become a pirate? I did already copy those DVDs illegally. Arr. …I wonder if Megan would think this chibi Ryou cuter if he had a peg leg. Hmmm… Anyhoo, I gotta figure out how to get around this whole "mystery child" thing. I couldn't really present any birth certificate or anything at the counter, so I just shouted, "THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! MY LITTLE BROTHER'S DYING!" in Ryou's voice and did the Lower Lip Quiver™. Luckily the person behind the counter was a girl; she swooned at my manly rendition of pansyasshood (the new word of the day) and swore that my little brother would be okay. But now I have to fill out forms and stuff. Well, I would have to fill them out, if I hadn't set them on fire…

"Uh, excuse me?" I look up. It's the same girl. "Um… do you have the forms…?"

I scratch my head, trying to look puzzled, hoping she'll ignore the fact I have small children propping me up and a tiny kindling of dying paper behind me. "Oh, those… They spontaneously combusted."

She tilts her head, taking in the scene before her. "Uhm… sir… you're not supposed to turn the waiting room into your own personal fiefdom."

"This isn't a fiefdom," I tell her. "It's a _thief_dom." As I speak, one of my tiny apprentices steals her gold bracelet.

She gives me a look that says she clearly doesn't know what to do with me. "Ok… Um… I'll get you some new forms," she says, but just then, tiny Ryou emerges from behind a door, picking his nose and looking happy.

He opens his mouth and smiles at me. He looks like he chewed his lips off. You know when you chew your lip, and your lips get all soft and painful to chew on? He's got those kind now.

Anyway, this means that I can ignore this girl. "Come on, uh… Enrique," I say, and I grab his tiny hand and shove him out of the doctor's office.

"Hey!!" that girl shouts, running after me, her really long, crimped blonde getting caught on a chair. "Owch!"

We're out, Jim Bob! We stride away, and I cease with the hand holding. But Ryou starts to wander away… Crap. I need the leash. Until then, I'll just carry him in this burlap sack I just happen to have on my person for perfectly legitimate reasons.

Later!

Aww, look at the wittle chibi. Gasping like the burlap sack had no air in it, and sweating like it was too warm in there. Awww… And now, the leash.

_Snap. _Yes, that is the sound of my fastening the leash around the nice little collar I bought with Kaiba the Freakish. And by bought, I do mean stole.

Chibi Ryou looks up at me. "Go somewhere?" he asks. I blink.

"Uh…" is my intelligent answer. But he looks happy with it. He reaches up with one hand and tugs on his leash, effectively choking himself.

"O.O" Oh my, his face is turning purple… Awesome.

"Go somewhere!" he squeaks, and he blows a raspberry at me. Cute?

He burps. Ehh… Not so cute. But whatev's.

A scream of delight suddenly bursts out of his tiny mouth. "Daddy!" he cries.

Oh, no, no, no. "I'm about as much your father is Harry Potter is from Thailand," I say, which makes little Ryou start begging for Peanut/Satay sauce. Even as a tyke, my landlord's a freak. But I expected that.

"Can Ruru eat peanut sauce wid us?" Ryou asks, with as much politeness as he can muster.

"Ru-ru?" I repeat, confused. Maybe I've been Confunded. Guess Hermoine doesn't want me to play Quidditch for Gryffindor. Darn that Ronald Weasley… filthy blood traitor…

Ryou bobs up and down on the balls (heh) of his feet. "Nooooo… _Ryou_!" he says firmly.

"You're right there," I say. He blinks, then gives me a curious look.

"No, not me… Ryou!" He glares at me, stamping his tiny feet and snorting impatiently.

"No, no, let me describe Ryou," I say. "He's a pale albino freak of a boy without a freckle to his name. He lives alone, because his father hasn't loved him since I came into his life. And NO, we're not gay," I assert. Chibi Ryou looks at me with bewilderment. "Let's see… Single; No magical properties; born September 2."

"That's my birthday!" the kid says gleefully. "But you're wrong."

"Am I?"

"Yes. Ryou is a polar bear," Ryou says matter-of-factly.

Pause.

"Really," I reply stiffly. Chibi nods vigorously.

"Uh-huh."

"Can I, er, meet him?"

More nodding. "He's in attic… Help up?" he asks, covering half his face with his hand, and then he gazes up at me bashfully with his large, dark eyes, which, even back in his toddler times, are freakin'… eh… you know.

"Sure," I laugh, utterly unimpressed at how his speaking skills have retrogressed.

"A tick!" he laughs, clapping his hands. "A-tick! Atikk! Atticus! Tikkis! Kissy! Curtsy! Burpsy!" And then he burps, the taste flying into my open mouth as I hoist the chibi on my shoulders. GAH! Heavy! Oh, and ew.

"_Some pillows in the Dordogne region of France are heavy_," Ryou admits in a whisper. (A/N: This is true.) Damn, was I speaking out loud again?

"Curse word!" Ryou shouts, clapping his hands over his ears. "CURSE WORD!"

"Shut up!" I shout; he whimpers. I stand there, stunned.

When was the last time I could make Ryou whimper? I can't remember, it was so long ago… now he just grounds me.

"Hey kid," I growl, "I'm the boogeyman."

Ryou giggles. "Oogie Boogie?" he says hopefully.

"From Nightmare Before Christmas?" I ask, trying to sound casual, as if Oogie Boogie wasn't my hero. Ryou nods.

"…_Worse_," I snarl. He smiles. Weirdo.

We ascend the stairs and then reach for and then pull on the thin, white cord to pull down the latter to ascend to reach the burpy. I mean attic. …Did _any _of that make sense?

"Let's get this straight, kid," I say as we climb up. He's picking his nose again. "Let's get this straight: I am your elder brother, uh… Akiffa Bakura! But you," I add hastily, "shall call me Bakura. That you're calling me by _your _last name is not strange at all."

Ryou nods thoughtfully. " 'Kura," he repeats. Well… that's better than Kiffy.

"You are not Ryou," I say. He nods as if this were the most obvious thing in the world. "And you are to go under the alias of 'Enrique Bakura,' comprende?" More nodding. "I repeat: You are NOT—"

"Ryou!" Chibi Ryou reaches his hand out towards a ginormous stuffed polar bear toy. It's hand (paw?) is outstretched, as if to take this little boy's. A ribbon's been tied with a flourish (a flourish I say!) around its neck, and on it, somebody has indeed written the single kanji making up Ryou's first name, twice; in between them is his name written in big, white, blocky roman letters.

"Wio," Ryou says, hugging the bear like it was his father. Was this Ryou's first imaginary friend, or something? Why did he name it after himself? Loser.

So we bring "Ryou" down. Ryou thinks "Ryou" is a hoot. Suddenly his (real Ryou's) tiny tummy grumbles. …Oh, right. Kids eat. …Or _do _they? Do kids eat, too? I don't remember doing anything but being excellent when I was his age; I was pretty sure toddlers didn't need to eat until a magical pillow tried to bite off their nose, and it could only be warded away by full stomachs. Isn't that why people normally eat? No? I wonder how I came up with that.

"Ryou?" I call. Ryou picks up "Ryou" and holds "Ryou" in front of him, eclipsing his scrawny toddler body. He (Ryou) tilts the bear's head back so that two large, black marbles are giving me a quizzical look.

"Wes?" he says, moving the bear's head as if it were talking.

"Uh… Are you hungry?"

The great bear shakes its head no. "But _I _am!" the real Ryou says, stepping away from the polar bear. "Food pweez?"

" 'Eez?' Since when were you trying to sound French?" I demand.

"_There are over 12 types of French cow_," Ryou whispers. (A/N: This is also true.)

"Actually, I know that; and all of them are dangerous, Enrique, let me tell you," I reply. I wish Oogie Boogie, leader of the rebellion AGAINST the cows, were here. Hey… maybe he'll babysit the Chibi!

If only I had his number…

I begin to take out pancake batter, my mind filled with the fantasy of Oogie Boogie marrying me to Megan.

Finally, I am finished with the pancakes; Ryou pours peanut sauce all over them. Freak.

…I hear rapping at our door? o.o Only this, and nothing more. …Oh, no, now they've wrung the doorbell. …I mean, _rung _the doorbell. (Either way, the doorbell gets hurt. Don't you kind of feel sorry for the doorbell, Jim Bob? …What do you mean, you have it worse? EXPLAIN! …Fine then, I won't tell you what happens next.)

_Later!_

I have to tell you what just happened:D

Guess who it was? Go on… guess.

…

…

…

…

I said guess damn you!

…

…

There's still time to guess…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Ok, it was Strings. :D And guess what he said?

He _said _(said being the significant word, since, after all… _mimes usually don't talk, except in that one car commercial_): I want my money.

"I want my money," he said in a squeaky voice. A _creepy _squeaky voice. Like a hyper midget after sucking helium.

"What money?" I said, irritated.

"That other of yours promised me money after the first sunflower harvest," Strings said.

"Well, it turns out we need the money," I said coolly. "We have a child to raise."

"You don't have a child to raise," he squeaked. That's when I remember what I told Fred/Mako several chapters ago.

"The person who promised you money was my ex-wife," I explain. He gives me a dubious look. "We have a child! Come on in and meet him."

Just then, Ryou came running to the door with "Ryou" in his arms. This made it look as if the stuffed polar bear was running to us on tiny toddler legs.

"Hi!! I'm a unique kid!!" he told the mime proudly. The mime gave me a quizzical look.

"Doesn't he look just like his mother?" I said wryly. Strings nods slowly.

Unfortunately, Ryou took that exact time to actually listen to what I'd said earlier. "'Kura," he said, "I'm done with my pancakes."

Strings raised a pierced brow. "Your son calls you by your last name?" he asked in his ethereally squeaky voice.

"Yes," I said. "It teaches him to be tough, the same way abandoning your child in the woods does – with lots of emotional scarring."

"………" Strings took out a sign and starting writing on it with a permanent marker he pulled out of his sleeve. O.o Literally seconds later, he turns the sign towards me and smacks me with it.

_Liar!!!!!!! _the sign read. I shoved him away and slammed the door in his face smugly. I was totally unafraid… as I locked every window and door on the first and second floors, and made it so that the attic door can't be opened from the inside. I won't explain how I did that last one; it was a complicated maneuver. Ryou, meanwhile, while I slaved, jammed out to t.A.T.u. songs in the living room, singing along in seemingly flawless Russian. O.o;;

"No, I was just making up words and singing them to the tune," he explains. "It sounded pretty good, huh?" He smiles goofily up at me. And that's when I got tired of him talking and decided to chibify him further. Just a smidge.

"Let's play prisoner," I said. In the back of my head I could hear the regional manager of a small paper company in Pennsylvania say "_Ooh, kinky_."

"Can Ryou play too?"

"Sure."

"How do we play?"

"First, I blindfold you, then pretend to execute you by shooting you with this water gun," I said.

"Yaaay!" Ryou said, overlooking all the morbidity of the game. "Someone's playing a game with me!"

Oh yeah. I forgot he was a lonely kid.

So, as Ryou clumsily blindfolded himself, I charged up the Chibifier and set the settings to chibify "a smidge." (That's the real setting.)

"Ok, turn around and say your final words," I said. "Make them dramatic."

Ryou raised a tiny fist. "BERNARD IS KING!" he yelled.

"Nice, but you're name is Enrique," I said. Then I said, "Bang." Purple particles pulverized Ryou's head, pushing his body down, making him smaller. Finally he looks to be about 4 years old—which was his shy age. So this will work.

Ryou opened his mouth. "… 'Awwn," he yawned. Then he sleepily climbed up on the couch and collapsed against a pillow, falling fast asleep. Yes, this Ryou is definitely more well behaved.

So, that's what happened. Now what to _do _with him? Should I parade him over and present him to Megan right away? Hm… Choices, choices.

Well… I dunno… I mean, I could just sit tight right here, and watch TV… Maybe even _The Office. _That's a good show. And look! Ryou just happens to have the season set! It's time to watch Dwight relate everything to Star Wars and beet farming.

_A few minutes later…_

Filthy Ryou bought the BRITISH version!!! NOT the AMERICAN!! GARETH IS NOT AS FUNNY AS DWIGHT! JIM IS BETTER THAN TIM! I need to make a T-Shirt: _Jim not Tim. _Later we're going to have to have a fight like those people on Youtube who argue vociferously over which version is better like it really matters. Well it doesn't. …I just want to pick on Ryou.

"Bugger," I say, poking the sleeping child in the chest. He lets out a squeal in his sleep, then goes back to his "little, soft snores." _Not. _He goes back to sounding like a freight train with a bad cold. I'm about to kick him in the side when I remember that I have to show him to Megan. I don't think she'll be too impressed if he's cowering in fear while I hold his leash. I guess I'll… crap. I guess I have to be _nice _to him.

So that means… I can't wake him up. -.-# (Do you like the sweat drop that number sign represents, Jim Bob?) I guess I have to find something else to do. That kinda sucks.

I guess I'm going out, now, to search for an activity to occupy my time. I won't lock the door, so Ryou can get out if he wants. What, you may ask, am I doing to keep intruders out? Well, there's always the alligator pit. And besides, Ryou has the King of Thieves living at his house, he'll protect him if something happens, right?

_Bakura seems to have forgotten that he IS the thief king… Anyway, if anyone watches the Office, sorry to bash the British version. ...Although I still think Jim is better than Tim. Anyone, sorry if the very end of this chapter isn't up to par; I thought I had this chapter already finished and then realized I didn't. Does it show a lot?_

_**Review! Or… or… Strings will come and slap you with one of his heavy signs. And they'll say… I don't know, something insulting on them. I have English homework to do now. **__Am I the only one that thinks writing poems about yourself for English class is hard? And we have to include a picture of ourselves. A picture! I don't want a picture of me hanging up all year. I hate doing these type of assignments. Anyhoo. _

_**Review!**_


	32. Look look look I updated!

_WOAH! Haven't updated this in a long long time. I wrote this chapter awhile ago; it's not finished, but I'm posting it up anyway because I feel bad for making you guys wait. _

After deciding to leave the house in pursuit of something decidedly more interesting, I have decided that I am decidedly hungry. So I decided to go to Burger King.

There are many kings in Domino City. Yugi and/or the Pharaoh is/are the king/kings of Games. I am the King of Thieves (and at LEAST the Prince of Games, or Evil Archbishop of Games, or something.) And that strange man who waits outside your window for you to wake up to his breakfast brand of fast food is the Burger King.

Luckily, the Burger King can be met within a mile of Ryou's home. I push my way inside. It's the typical greasefest. Parents sitting at the booths next to overweight babies in strollers. If those parents feed those fat babies those french fries… Well, I guess they can get away with calling it "baby fat". Besides, Ryou says that people (a.k.a. himself and other GIRLS) think that all babies are cute.

So, I cut in front of everyone and come face to face with a pathetic adolescent.

"I demand to see the King of Burger," I say forcefully. 'Cause I'm forceful.

"…What are you writing?" the grease-haired boy asks, peering at my hands, which are steadily flying over you (and writing, too).

"Unimportant!! Bring me to the baagaaou," I say. He gives me a blank look. "…It means 'king of burgers'." More blankness. "In Japanese? You know, the language we speak? …I think? Although the author is using dub names—wait a minute, how do I know that??!"

While I agonize over my mysterious knowledge, this nincompoop (Ha: poop) continues to give me a glossy stare. And is his hair getting greasier? It's like he's in training to win the next Greasiest Hair World Cup. He's pretty good already; he's probably under the tutelage of Professor Snape.

"…" he 'says'.

"Fine!" I snap. "I'll just go ask for Col. Sanders! That'll teach you!"

"…" He's still not saying anything. I think he died. How weird…. and yet wonderful. This saves me the time I would've spent sending his a$$ to the Shadow Realm. (I bet you can't guess what the word with the dollar signs means, Jim Bob!)

LATER!

There it is, Jim Bob. KFC. A most popular source of food during the winter holidays in Japan. I open the door, and a voice rings out clearly above the sounds of people chewing their food like cows (and even occasionally mooing, for some reason):

"I demand to see Col. Sanders!!"

…Wait a sec. That's what _I _was going to say! Somebody beat me to it. And that someone's name is—

"I, Malik Ishtar, shall resolve my feud with Mr. Sanders by—"

"I say you he dead," says the redneck adolescent behind the counter. Malik dismisses him with a regal wave of his hand. (I could wave my hand more regally though. I'm better than my acquaintance in every way.)

"Do not attempt to sway me with your Family Guy quotes, however funny they may be!" he roars. (For example, I can roar better than him.) "I have a score to settle with the chicken man! Bring me the chicken man!"

"Yes! Bring us the chicken man!" I butt in. Malik glares at me.

"Um, excuse me, but this is my feud," he says stiffly.

"You're not excused," I retort curtly.

We have a staredown.

"…………..

"BRING US THE CHICKEN MAN!" we scream in unison.

LATER!

"How is it we always get kicked out of that places?" Malik asks. I shrug.

"It's a gift," I suggest.

"Maybe."

"I is," I insist. "A rare gift. We should be proud. How many people do you know that can say they've been kicked out of a fast food restaurant for demanding to see their leader?"

Malik stops in the middle of the sidewalk where we're walking, causing some people to crash into him. He doesn't notice; he just looks contemplative.

" 'Demanding to see their leader'?" he repeats. "That makes us sound like aliens."

"I know."

"With laser beams."

"And space ships," I add.

Malik grins. "Cool!"

We cackle. (Cackling is an important skill, Jim Bob, and we've got it down Pat, whoever that is.) And, as is always necessary with cackling, we cackle for an inordinately long amount of time, then both stop short at the same second. Then one of us lets out a single, last guffaw, (like a tiny burp after taking a long sip of soda,) and then we're done.

So, basically what I'm trying to say is, half an hour later we we're done cackling. So now what should we do?

"…Hey, 'Kura," Malik says.

"Yeah, 'Lik?" I reply, trying to sound cool.

"…That little tyke over there looks an awful lot like you…" He points over towards a chain link fence where the kids at Rintama High School play basketball.

"Eh?"

I peer over towards where he's pointing. And where Ryou the chibi is tied up to a tetherball pole.

…...

Wait, WHAT??

"Ryou—er, Enrique?" I call out tentatively. Malik gives me an odd look.

"Who's Enrique?" he asks. Dangit—I knew eventually someone was going to ask me this.

"Ryou's younger brother," I say smoothly.

"…That's a guy?" he says.

"As much of a guy as Ryou is," I say truthfully.

"So what's he doing with gang members?" Malik asks. I shrug. "…Should we do something?" I shrug again. "Ryou would probably be upset if his little brother got hurt." Ah. Well.

"You have no idea," I say. "Let's go 'do somethin'."

After Malik and I bust out into song, pretend to play guitar while riding in a flying car, and just generally be cool the same way the Britney Spears' song 'Do Something' is cool (Don't. Say. Anything.) we head on over to the basketball court, where gang members are spray painting 'We aer dum'.

"So boss, what's with the kid?" one of them asks. He turns to the "boss", who is big, burly, and wearing camouflage pants over his tutu (although the ruffles still poke out on top).

"Well, I was supposed to babysit someone named "Mad Dog" at 10 Maple Street, but the folks weren't home. Instead I just found the kid."

…We live at _12 _Maple Street. He went to the wrong house and kidnapped my child host. -.- Oh how smart this man is. I am in awe. …Not.

"Hirutani," another guy says, "we have to look after this snot-nosed guy all day?"

Hey now! My host may be girly, but pansies are actually a very clean people. He is not 'snot-nosed'.

"Well…" Hirutani scratches under his arm, making him look like a giant white gorilla. "I guess so."

"Don't you know anything about baby-sitting at all, boss?" asks another. Hirutani is too busy eating a banana. …You know, he really does look like a—

"MONKEY BOSS!"

…That's what _I _was going to say! Who said that?

Hirutani sneers. "Joey Wheeler," he says.

Joey stands halfway across the basketball court, Yugi tittering nervously behind him.

"…Is that a little boy?" Yugi asks, peering around Joey and scrutinizing the scene before him.

"I'm his babysitter," Hirutani says proudly. (To give you an idea of how this gorillaman sounds… Have you heard of Brian Regan, Jim Bob? You have? Well, he sounds like the kid who says… "The big yellow one is the sun! The yellow one is the sun!")

"Babysitter?" Joey says in disbelief. Even Yugi snickers. Yugi 'Where's My Bamboo!?' Motoh is snickering at this gorillaboy.

"Yes," Hirutani says, unperturbed. It's kind of disconcerting how he doesn't see something different about himself, an obvious gang member, babysitting a small child. "This is 'Mad Dog'."

"…Doesn't that look like Ryou?" Joey says.

Yugi stares at the chibi. "Hey _yeah_…"

"His name is 'Mad Dog,'" Hirutani says.

"Ryou's younger brother's name is Mad Dog?" Yugi wonders.

"That's a guy?!" Joey asks.

"That's what I said," Malik adds in. We're watching the scene from the other side of the chain link fence.

"Malik!?" Joey says.

"Bakura!?" Yugi says.

"Bakura?" That's Joey.

"Malik!" Yugi.

"You guys?" Malik responds. "Yes, it's us, you dimwits."

They stare at us.

"…Dimwits?" Yugi repeats, sounding like he's about to cry. He needs to—

Hirutani scoffs, "Oh, get over it, you baby!" …_That's what I was gunna say! _Monkeyman beat me to it.

"_Really_," Malik adds, brushing a lock of hair behind his ear.

"We are not dim," Joey challenges. Malik opens his mouth to make a preppy, cheerleader-meantastic (new word of the day) retort, but monkey man beats him to it.

"Yes you are," he says.

"Are not," Joey says.

"Are too."

"Are not."

"Are too."

"Are not."

"Are too." (…You get the idea, Jim Bob. I really don't want to write down how long this conversation is taking…)

While they go back and forth, another member of the game turns and sees Malik and me. "Who are you?" he asks stupidly.

"I'm the Archbishop of Games," I retort. Malik gives me 'a look'. "I _am_," I hiss.

"Are too!" Joey's screaming now.

"Are not!" Hirutani yells.

…Wow. They aer dum.

Yugi ambles over to where Ryou is, and unties Ryou from the tetherball pole. Then he ambles over towards us.

"Are," Joey growls, cracking his knuckles.

"No way," Hirutani hisses, flexing his arms.

"It feels like something's heating up," Malik says.

"Can I leave with you?" Yugi asks us. We face fault. He gives us a shy grin. "I don't know what I'm thinking 'bout," he says.

"Really? Leaving with you?" Malik asks incredulously.

"I like that song," I say.

The two give me a weird look. "What song?" they ask.

_Ok, so originally I'm sure there was supposed to be more to this chapter. But I haven't updated in forever and I feel like I owe it to update with celerity. So I guess all that's left is to end this chapter in the usual fashion, with a threat: Review or Hirutani will shove bananas in your eyes. And in case you're wondering what anime Hirutani's from, he's actually from Yu-Gi-Oh (the manga, anyway). 2 more reviews and I'll have 200! Keep 'em coming and I'll try to write another chapter soon!_


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